Describe Your Favorite Game Poorly

[Hades]

Since all the recent posts have gone kablooey, and this subject was shaping up to need its own thread anyway, here we are. I saw some good ones last night, hopefully you guys have them saved somewhere.

Describe your favorite game and make it sound as shitty as possible:


Some kid gets summoned by a talking tree to retrieve a jewel out of its dungeony bowels. The tree vomits exposition all over the place, informing the kid that a sickly-colored ginger is trying to take over the world, because he has a huge nose and can't deal with it.

The talking tree sentences the kid to a lifetime partnership with a Screeching Firebug of Woe, then promptly dies like the old asshole he is.

The kid gets two more jewels by doing some more dungeony shit, which enables him to gain access to a legendary sword. It turns out that when you pick up the sword, you get barfed up through some kind of time vortex into a post-apocalyptic future.

The kid is now a teenager, and unfortunately the Screeching Firebug of Woe is still alive and well, almost acting as a punctuation to the horror of his new reality.

The kid then has to unlock some sages or something and does A LOT more dungeony shit.

Every creature with a vagina would claw each other to death just to get under this kids tunic, and he bangs not a single one of them.

He eventually kills the sickly-colored ginger, or so it seems. All he really managed to do was piss Mr. Schnozzola off and make him turn into a tusky hellbeast. After a rowdydow with the tusky hellbeast, everything goes back to being okay.

Check this game out, 10/10. Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

[erictheblue]

Could people also post what the game is, for those of us who are clueless?


You spent your life underground. Then, for some unknown reason, you leave the only home you have known to wander around. And some crazy guy keeps announcing everywhere you go and everything you do to everyone within range. And there are a much of crazy people who want to kill you. And a bunch of robots that want to kill you. And kids who try to kill you. And men the size of mountains that want to kill you. And more crazy people who think they are knights in shining armor, but they don't want to kill you. Instead, they want you to do something suicidal, although it turns out to not be completely suicidal.


(Fallout 3)

[Hades]

Edited my post to include the name of the game. Thanks, Eric.

[The Right Honourable Mlle Antéchrist]

Some guy with a gun has to escort a mentally challenged woman out of a silo in Russia.

Goldeneye, of course.

[Saturn500]

You climb some tower and kill demons.

(Ys Origin)

[SpaceProg]

You go through a dark hell-dimension full of fog, blood, rust,  locked doors (Especially locked/broken doors) and contrived item-fetches so you can solve weird-ass puzzles, but it seems normal because hey, you're in a dark hell-dimension.  You kill a demon god/Evil Manifestation that still hasn't figured out that the Protagonist is leet and it has been killed off several times.

Silent Hill (Any).

[The Right Honourable Mlle Antéchrist]

You forget some stuff.

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Amnesia.

[Zygarde]

Okay you're a scientist but the only science related thing you do is push a cart in a thing that thing blows up and aliens teleport in and start fucking shit up,so you spend the whole day hitting stuff with a crowbar also the military comes and does stuff and in the end you're hired by a guy in a suit to save the future from aliens again.

(Half-Life and Half-life 2)

[Art Vandelay]

Kid in a talking boat has to save the world from the thickest giant bird in history and some ginger asshole who just doesn't know when to give up. Along the way he meets pirates who do fuck all actual piracy and who're lead by a 10 year old girl, a species of former aquatic folk who apparently responded to the entire world flooding by evolving wings, because natural selection totally works that way and some fat aristocratic asshole who it turns out was actually the talking boat the entire time.

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Wind Waker

[Osama bin Bambi]

Okay so there's this city and a bunch of sick people and you're supposed to hit a bunch of things with your sword to find the cure, and then you go to other places too.

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Neverwinter Nights (the original campaign)

[DrFishcake]

This guy is hooked up to a machine and is sent back in time by a secret society to find stuff for them, but he starts fucking that same secret society's shit up, occasionally taking a break to chat this chick up but he doesn't get any so that's pointless.

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Assassin's Creed

[SpaceProg]

A spike-haired boy, a nerdy girl, and a rich little princess (literally) get involved in a crapload of temporal tomfoolery.  Accumulate friends from everywhen, then they save Earth from a giant space tick.

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Chrono Trigger

[tygerarmy]

You're arrested for illegally crossing the border into a country in the midst of a civil war.  At the same time as the person who started the civil war is arrested and you're all to be executed.  Right when you're about to be executed a Dragon happens to attack and kills everyone except the important people.  You must then decide to join the people who were going to kill you or the people who'd let you die to further they're cause.

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Skyrim

[Her3tiK]

A multitude of gladiators await the field of battle. Fighters have joined this bloodsport for a variety of reasons, from proving they are the strongest, to reveling in mayhem and slaughter, fighting for their nation, even coercion and indentured servitude in some cases. These matches are run by a small guild of incredibly powerful beings who claim to be using the tournament to prevent total war and maintain peace, yet have shown questionable judgment in whom they allow to join the tournament, and have unilaterally used their power to stop the mightiest of nations from marching to war, causing some to doubt their benevolent motives.
The battles themselves are waged between two teams of assorted gladiators as they attempt to destroy the others' fortress while defending their own. To do so, they must battle mindless drones, wild beasts, and the opposing gladiators, to the death, regardless of any personal quarrels they may have with their own teammates. This latter detail is made easier by the fact that the gladiators are controlled by a third party, as though they are marionettes for another's amusement.

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League of Legends

[ironbite]

That wasn't very shitty.