Reasons Why Obama Won
#1 - Romney was insufficiently conservativeHis refusal to push forward a synthesis of purely applied Objectivist economics and Dominionist theocracy as social policy failed to reach out to the all-important and large swathe of independent voters to whom such policies appeal.
#2 - A Vast Left Wing ConspiracyThe liberal media attempted to make Todd Akin sound like a bad guy, quoting him out of context and ignoring the fact that his 14th Century approach to our modern world can solve many of our problems, e.g.: the bubonic plague's potential contribution to overpopulation, the poll tax's potential for simplifying the absurdly complex federal taxation system, etc.
Similar attacks on Romney ignored the real implications of his remarks, such as his "binders full of women" comment, which actually exposed Bain Capital's contribution to developing real-life equivalents to Gallifreyan technology and therefore exposed the media's bias in ignoring the private sector's contributions to innovation and rising living standards.
#3 - Democrat voter fraud policiesIncreased investment in the godless sciences has led to breakthroughs in intrinsic field research. This in turn has allowed for quantum superpowers which, in turn, have allowed certain test subjects to be in multiple places at once. This research, judiciously applied to selected individuals, allowed thousands of extra votes to derive from mere scores of voters. An examination of polling centre activity will reveal that most of these fraudulent extra voters voted in daylight, when the Cherenkov radiation emanating from them as a result of the research was less visible.
#4 - Obamanian SorceryObama has become a) the first nonwhite President of the United States; b) the first President to appoint a Latina to the Supreme Court; c) the first President to vote early; d) the first President from Hawaii; e) the first Democrat to win without Missouri; f) the first President since FDR to get re-elected with unemployment higher than 7.2%.
The reason for all of these phenomena is simple: Obama possesses dark magic capabilities that warp the space and time around him, provoking circumstances that history would otherwise not create. It is possible that Obama could therefore, by generating a scenario in which it seemed impossible to win, use his infernal powers to guarantee victory.
#5 - Despite a poor economy, the Republican Party fielded unappealing candidates and outdated policies that don't address or recognise the nature of modern AmericaEvidence in favour: the narrative emerging from the lieberal lamestream media. Evidence against: it's a patently absurd notion.
Definitely a Poe.