The Beast's annual
"50 Most Loathsome Americans" article is finally out so I figured I'd share some of the best entries here. Actually some often-quoted individuals ranked quite highly on this list. Enjoy!
49) Jim Lehrer Charges: The PBS Punching Bag, the Denver Dodderer, the Moderating Mute came out of semi-retirement only to spare Obama the title of “most incompetent performance in a debate,” and play Rihanna to Romney’s Chris Brown. The king of Newshour’s horrendous phony balance coverage, it’s no surprise that his toughest question was meant to determine if the candidates were, in fact, two different people.
Smoking Gun: “…”
Sentence: An eternity of brunches with Charlie Rose.
42) Lance Armstrong Charges: Sociopathic, ten-speed Escobar who brazenly lied, ruined lives, and played on our collectively gullible patriotism and misplaced respect for blatantly selfish charity PR, so that he could reap millions, bang Sheryl Crow then drop her like a cancerous testicle, and feast on undeserved fame–only to finally come clean in a venue that granted Oprah 15 more terrifying minutes of relevance.
Smoking Gun: “I have the facts on my side.”
Sentence: “Celebrity Apprentice.”
40) Sam Harris Charges: As the former’s confused reason for Fox News dogma, and the latter comedy for cackling, Sam Harris has officially overtaken Ricky Gervais as the world’s funniest atheist (they’re tied for most annoying). He recently added Muslim profiling and NRA talking points to a sophist’s portfolio already bulging with hawkish appreciation for war and torture. Populated with more strawmen than a Kansas corn field, Harris’s post-Sandy Hook paean to firearms justified the death of 20 children because, well, Sam Harris is scared of sharp objects, and he’s too dimwitted to imagine a nonlethal knife-deterrent.
Smoking Gun: “Fantasists and zealots can be found on both sides of the debate over guns in America.”
Sentence: Tortured by Katherine “Wu-Tang” Bigelow until he confesses his love of Allah, divulges the secret launch codes, and shares his special recipe for bullshit salad.
39) Ann Romney Charges: Possible Cylon. Definite snob. Delivered the least authentic convention speech of any spouse ever. Tried to humanize the inhuman with nostalgic lies of a hard-luck life eating tunafish and cardboard off of a hobo’s discarded ironing board. Or something. This unemployed woman who pays some $80,000 per year to stable, feed, and train an Olympic dancing horse was tasked with the impossible feat of portraying her husband as champion to the marginalized. And, to her credit, it was only slightly less believable than the Alabama YouTube leprechaun.
Smoking Gun: “I love you women!”
Sentence: Foxconn laborer.
37) Tucker Carlson Charges: Trust fund douchebag whose perseverance in the face of consistent “journalistic” failure would be admirable were it not derived from a wholly undeserved sense of entitlement. Fought his impending and absolute irrelevance by rerunning a video clip (with the help of Drudge and Hannity) he first reported on in ’07 while at MSNBC which reveals that Barack Obama–hold on to your motherfucking October surprised genitals!–is a black guy. One of the few American pundits who believes that incredulous squinting qualifies as commentary.
Smoking Gun: “This hasn’t been reported. I know because I reported it the first time.”
Sentence: Self-awareness, suicide.
31) Me Charges: I don’t know you. Judgmental prick. Fat. Lazy. Etc.
Smoking Gun: I’m just filling space here, there’s probably typos all up in this mofo, and…
Sentence: A traumatic sexual encounter with Katy Perry.
26) Dana Loesch Charges: The idealogical love-troll of Phyllis Schlafly and Grover Norquist, Loesch wants to reduce goverment to a size where it can drown in your vagina. Whether comparing intrusive, state-mandated transvaginal ultrasounds with consensual intercourse, defending Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin, or fabricating a conspiracy over her husband’s temporarily suspended Twitter account, Dana’s a cheap, hyper-partisan squid, squirting a cloud of imagined liberal sins which she thinks nullifies the original criticism because she’s a total fucking moron. And when that invariably fails, she’ll just lie about what she said, or call you a sexist/pedo. Quite possibly still on the CNN payroll only to make Piers Morgan seem slightly more palatable.
Smoking Gun: “Seems to me like Akin was trying to fit medical explanation into a soundbite. Not the best statement, but some are stretching it majorly.”
Sentence: Human chair at Al Roker’s house.
25) George Zimmerman Charges: The NYPD of neighborhood watch who, despite pleas from the 911 dispatcher, pursued, escalated a conflict with, then gunned down a teenager for what he deemed a suspicious possesion of Skittles and melanin. And he keeps making me think of Men’s Wearhouse owner George Zimmer–”You’re gonna like the way you look.” But mostly the murdered kid thing.
Smoking Gun: An actual smoking gun.
Sentence: A jury of Trayvon Martin’s peers.
23) Donald Trump Charges: A convincing argument against the 1st and 5th Amendments, this walking combover needs to just shut the fuck up and die already. The consummate huckster, and sufferer of verbal dysentery, his countless transgressions defy cataloguing. So I’ll spare you everything save for his moronic ploy to gain Obama’s passport and college records in exchange for a $5 million charity donation. Insult to racist injury, the video announcement was so low rent that he looked like an 8mm-shot Boehner/Oompa Loompa with a digruntled squirrel on his head.
Smoking Gun: So awful he makes Mark Cuban seem awesome.
Sentence: Shut the fuck up and die already.
16) Alex Jones Charges: A shower and shave away from doomsaying hobo, Jones makes a decent living off of his borderline schizophrenia. He “KNOWS” that every mass-shooting is staged by a global cabal who wants to steal your guns, global warming is a New World Order hoax, Beyonce flashed an Illuminati symbol which caused the Super Bowl blackout, and every other super-secret, unfalsifiable plot perpetrated by a shifting and shadowy “THEY”–who engineer society based upon the wishes of interdimensional elves with whom “THEY” confer using Satanic hallucinogens. Jones is the very “false flag” propagandist he claims to despise by dilluting real concerns, such as drone strikes on American soil, with an endless stream of loonitarian loggoria that makes David Ickes sound like Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
Smoking Gun: Ancient cave paintings depict the Illuminati Anti-Christ as a quick-tempered, red-faced psycho with a bad hair cut…WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!
Sentence: Medically fused to Piers Morgan at the hip, the two star in a TLC reality show called “Asshole & Asshole.”
14) Richard Mourdock/Mike Huckabee Charges: Let these two troglodytes be joined in unholy matrimony, ruining the sanctity of this blessed list, because they’re both guilty of essentially the same inadvertently awesome crime–calling out God for being a frat-douche who impregnates via date rape and slaughters kids because he’s a jealous li’l bitch. Loathsome guys? Yes. Loathsome sentiments? Not really. The more these devout shmucks espouse the actual word and meaning of God, the fewer believers will remain, desperately clinging to an ancient fairy tale as their deceptive moral compass.
Smoking Guns: “And I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.” & “Should we be so surprised that [our Godless] schools would become a place of carnage?”
Sentence: Respectively raped and smote by His Noodly Appendage.
12) Joe Arpaio Charges: “America’s Sheriff” (in the way rat vomit is “America’s Snack Food”) has a long history of racism, prisoner abuse, and protecting pedophiles, but last year his low-rent Wyatt Earp routine turned overtly cartoonish. In a blatant effort to distract from an investigation into his illegally misspending nearly $100 million on immigrant roundups and spying programs, Arpaio launched the “Cold Case Posse”–meant to finally expose Obama’s Manchurian Presidency. The citizen “posse” determined the President’s birth certificate to be fraudulent, and then, as you remember, Obama was removed from office and Arpiao was given the Golden Key to Fantasy City for not totally wasting everyone’s time.
Smoking Gun: “At the very least, I can tell you this, based on all of the evidence presented and investigated, I cannot in good faith report to you that these documents are authentic.”
Sentence: Imprisoned in a tent city, made to wear pink panties, stuffed with candy, disguised as a pig pinata, and beaten mercilessly by Edward James Almos dressed as Captain Adama.
11) Tennessee State Sen. Stacey Campfield Charges: A rising star in the overcompensating closeted community, the “totally straight” Campfield authored the ultimately ill-fated “Don’t Say Gay” bill, banning Tennessee teachers from discussing homosexuality in schools. Now the state senator, who totally loves sex with “women,” is thrusting two deplorable bills through Tennesee’s legislative bunghole–one that would mandate school employees to out students they suspect are gay, and another to cut welfare to parents whose children are underperforming academically. The latter’s particularly frightening, considering Campfield’s contribution to academia has been to regurgitate claims made in the thoroughly debunked ’80s book
And The Band Played On that HIV is nearly impossible to transmit through heterosexual contact, and that the origin of AIDS was…
Smoking Gun: “It was one guy screwing a monkey, if I recall correctly, and then having sex with men. It was an airline pilot, I believe, if I recall correctly.”
Sentence: Made to watch gay porn with a wired elastic band around his penis. If his member becomes engorged the band sensor trips a robotic hand which then squeezes the trigger of a gun pointed directly at his head. Out of the gun will pop a flag which reads: “We already know you love cock.”
8 ) Dr. John Willke Charges: A deserving replacement for Todd Akin, this actual medical doctor is the cerebral godfather and pro-life gatekeeper to not only an inconsequential Missouri also-ran but an entire generation of fucktarded conservatives who believe that women’s ova are protected from rapey sperm by tiny pit bulls and giant walls of ignorance. Having done absolutely no testing of his hypothesis, his National Right to Life Committee is rumored to start tackling tougher topics, such as the feminine vapors, whalebone corset disorders, and the dangers of sewing arousal.
Smoking Gun: “This is a traumatic thing — she’s, shall we say, she’s uptight. She is frightened, tight, and so on. And sperm, if deposited in her vagina, are less likely to be able to fertilize. The tubes are spastic.”
Sentence: So traumatized by the sight of lesbian armpit hair, he’s no longer capable of digesting food with his spastic intestines. And he dies. Slowly. Science.
5) David Barton Charges: Armed with only a BA in religious studies from Oral Roberts University and the integrity of a serial rapist, psuedo-historian David Barton has successfully convinced millions of benighted Americans that the Founding Fathers debunked the theory of evolution a half-century before it was ever proposed, that the Constitution is a “verbatim” copy of scripture, Jesus opposed a minimum wage, and that the bible warns against net neutrality. He’s recently taken to defending the Second Amendment with an apocryphal story of armed, 19th century school children protecting their teacher which Barton apparently–not a joke–ripped off from a Louis L’Amour novel.
Smoking Gun: “… life begins before conception…”?
Sentence: Kicked in the balls by Doris Kearns Goodwin.
1) Mitt Romney Charges: The first openly gaseous presidential candidate, his pandering could fill any ideological container. In Michigan, the trees were just the right height; in Israel, Jerusalem was their rightful capitol; and on Univision, the guy actually wore brownface! Trashing 47% of the country for being leeches was the only honest moment of his campaign. Just an outright charlatan whose private sector experience was in publicizing debt, but whose presidential race began with debt fearmongering. Basically, he would’ve told the American voters he’d kill Hitler with his time-travelling Mormon cock if he thought it would’ve played in Ohio.
Smoking Gun: “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.”
Sentence: Exiled to planet Kolob.
