Over the past several years, I've grown pretty hostile toward religion. I started to see it's flaws and realized that no one really knows what the hell they are talking about. But even then, I still tried to be "open minded". After all, Christians are divided so maybe the ones who are big on hell and damnation are just the more vocal ones. That's what a lot of people tell me when I mention why I'm not religious. I just need to find the right church and then I'll be alright. Heck, the church I went to never talked about who was going to heaven or hell so why should I care about what some fundie nutjob thinks? We just sort of went to church, sung songs, prayed and listened to a sermon. It was pretty boring and didn't make much sense, but I rarely paid attention anyway...
Well that was my problem. I never paid attention and even when I did, I could never make sense of what they were talking about. I remember my conformation meetings and how god awfully boring they were. How most of what they were saying had no application in the real world. "live a life of God". What does that even mean? Even when they tried to explain it, it just seemed like a bunch of big vague words that sounds epic. It just couldn't get my attention (which was already hard since I have ADD).
What DID get my attention was a random google search on hell. As much as I hate fundies, I will give them credit here. In 10 minutes, this author managed to sum up the whole faith in a way that made sense, and give me a very very good reason to be Christian (since at the time, I was starting to have doubts). I did NOT want to go to hell so spent the next several months working out my salvation “with fear and trembling". Of course, everyone told me that those were just extremists and that I shouldn't pay attention to them.
So I paid attention to what was being told in the church I went to. And while I can’t say they were preaching anything outright evil, I picked up on some guilt and manipulation. We’re all so well off, people in other nations have it much harder, we should thank god for every bread crumb we have ect ect ect. Now a lot of it was wrapped up in what I like to call “inspiration porn”, stories about people who have stayed strong in the worst of situations. They can uplifting, but in the end, they are glurge. The message is “other people have it way worse so stop complaining”, but sugar coated into a nice story that leaves a bitter aftertaste. Since I’m prone to depression, I probably would have been better off not hearing that.
And looking back, there were many other subtle guilt trips which I suspect made me more vulnerable to a near fundie mind rape. In fact, fundies often play the same cards but more extreme. Where the standard church going Christian might be a little condescending when confronting someone on some “sin”, the fundie will be more likely to outright tell them they suck and that they deserve to go to hell (especially if they are Calvinist). But in the end, they both have the same goal, to get you to change your ways, to get you to give up “earthly things” and find a spiritual path.
And that’s where I respectfully disagree (at least respectfully with the liberal Christian). The “spiritual path” like many other Christianese sayings, are vague terms which meanings vary depending on who’s saying. But almost all churches have the same theme, you’re trying to overcome your natural urges in hopes of attaining some vaguely described salvation. In some form or another, you’re waging battle with yourself. This is true whether it’s a liberal church or a conservative one. And I don’t believe it’s a healthy way to live, especially since this is all based on making assumptions about the unknown. That’s the big thing that turns me off of religion. All this stuff about “keeping an open mind” just seems like more glurge. I’d rather put my faith in what I know is true other than some out there theory that has never been tested (and apologetics don’t count as testing theories lol).
As for the bible, I don’t know how anyone can read it and say that the God described in it is “merciful”. I’ve heard many times not to take it literally, but you’d have to explain away a lot of things to make that God anything less than a complete monster.
I guess what I’m saying is that while I definitely agree with the liberal Christians more than the conservative ones, I can’t say I’m too thrilled with them either. The same guilt, the same mind games, and the same unhealthy standards that turn me off of anything are present in most churches, regardless of political affiliation. That doesn’t mean I want to be a total selfish asshole who lies cheats and steals. It just means that I want to stay true to “if it’s not hurting anyone, than it’s no big deal”. Unfortunately, a lot of spiritual people consider that a selfish way to live (especially catholics) so naturally, I’m going to be at odds with it.
