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That was almost awesome, except for the part about will/can. Can in modern English can and is used to make requests and anyone who suggests that is isn't grammatical is almost as bad as people who complain about ending sentences on prepositions.
I'd be more sympathetic if people here didn't act like they knew what they were saying when they were saying something very much wrong.
Commenter Brendan Rizzo is an American (still living there) who really, really hates America. He used to make posts defending his country from anti-American attacks but got fed up with it all.
Not sure if you can hotlink imgur images, so here's a regular link:http://imgur.com/gallery/jeSPg