Author Topic: How to Spot a Masturbator  (Read 4730 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Eniliad

  • Sword And Shield Of The Innocent
  • The Beast
  • *****
  • Posts: 1265
  • Gender: Male
  • Perpetually horny cock-slave
How to Spot a Masturbator
« on: January 20, 2012, 11:15:29 am »
So, I was reading through the Funny Pics thread over in the Lounge, when ironbite posted this pie chart, I think still on page 1:



My reaction: "...what the fuck is Christwire?"

So I googled it, and of course found the Skyrim article without much trouble. It's about as accurate as you would expect. But one of the sub-pages listed directly below the first result was the article "How to spot a Masturbator":
http://christwire.org/2010/05/how-to-spot-a-masturbator/

If you haven't read it, I would; it's excellent snark bait most of the way through. It's riddled with Hard Science, and it reads just like an article written by my grandmother on the dangers of "chronic or even casual masturbators". This article is insane and hilarious at the same time. This paragraph rendered me speechless and wins a "Creepiest thing a Parent can legally do" award:

Quote
Maternal wisdom has long stated that oversleeping, locked doors, avoiding eye contact, messy beds, fear of clean underwear, long steamy showers and a pungent bleach-like odor on one’s bedsheets are all red flags of masturbation invasion. One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.” If the boy’s face turns red and he runs from the room, the evidence is clear. The internet also makes it much easier for parents to identify a child’s masturbation habits.

Yeah, it means that, or it means YOU PRESSED YOUR NOSE INTO WHERE HIS CROTCH IS WHILE HE SLEEPS.

Incidentally, I have a real guide for determining if your teen son/daughter masturbates. There are two key warning signs:

1) They have a penis, or
2) They have a vagina
<Miles> "If dildoes are outlawed then only outlaws will have dildoes."
Quote from: Mlle Antéchrist
Yeah, gays cause hurricanes, tits cause earthquakes, and lack of prayer causes tornadoes. Learn to science, people.
Quote from: Mlle Antéchrist
Porn peddlers peddling pedal porn? My life is complete.

Offline Mira

  • Literally Worse Than Hitler
  • Pope
  • ****
  • Posts: 293
  • Cisphobic reverse racist
    • Houserule Gaming
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2012, 11:24:31 am »
Christwire is satirical.
I’ve grown overfed, unconcerned and comfortably numb
Kept busy indulging in the pleasures of the wealthy
Oh, someone make me afraid of what I’ve become!

Offline Eniliad

  • Sword And Shield Of The Innocent
  • The Beast
  • *****
  • Posts: 1265
  • Gender: Male
  • Perpetually horny cock-slave
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2012, 11:47:10 am »
IT IS??? Holy crap. I had no idea. Poe's Law in effect.
<Miles> "If dildoes are outlawed then only outlaws will have dildoes."
Quote from: Mlle Antéchrist
Yeah, gays cause hurricanes, tits cause earthquakes, and lack of prayer causes tornadoes. Learn to science, people.
Quote from: Mlle Antéchrist
Porn peddlers peddling pedal porn? My life is complete.

Offline Caitshidhe

  • The Keeper of the Kupos
  • The Beast
  • *****
  • Posts: 800
  • Gender: Female
    • Axiom Speaks
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2012, 06:51:47 pm »
I used to be a homosexual, then I took a bible to the knee.
'The idea that things must have a beginning is really due to the poverty of our imaginations.' -- Bertrand Russel

Offline Eniliad

  • Sword And Shield Of The Innocent
  • The Beast
  • *****
  • Posts: 1265
  • Gender: Male
  • Perpetually horny cock-slave
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2012, 06:54:31 pm »
Okay, having visited... any other page on the site... it's pretty obviously fake now. I managed to get the only page I could find that could be mistaken for "real" xD
<Miles> "If dildoes are outlawed then only outlaws will have dildoes."
Quote from: Mlle Antéchrist
Yeah, gays cause hurricanes, tits cause earthquakes, and lack of prayer causes tornadoes. Learn to science, people.
Quote from: Mlle Antéchrist
Porn peddlers peddling pedal porn? My life is complete.

Offline Cerim Treascair

  • My Love Is Lunar
  • The Beast
  • *****
  • Posts: 3092
  • Gender: Male
  • Get me my arbalest... explosive bolts, please.
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2012, 06:55:15 pm »
I used to be a homosexual, then I took a bible to the knee.

Ahem... linking because it's hilarious.

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSDfxde8fSg" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSDfxde8fSg</a>
There is light and darkness in the world, to be sure.  However, there's no harm to be had in walking in the shade or shadows.

Formerly Priestling

"I don't give a fuck about race...I'm white, I'm American, but that shit don't matter.  I'm human."

Offline Barbarella

  • The Beast
  • *****
  • Posts: 2767
  • Gender: Female
  • A Little REY of Sunshine!
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2012, 12:16:17 pm »
"HOW TO SPOT A MASTURBATOR"

Look at everybody & the person in the mirror. The End! *rimshot*

Offline Old Viking

  • The Beast
  • *****
  • Posts: 1454
  • Gender: Male
  • Occasionally peevish
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2012, 04:15:36 pm »
Usually there's a lot of hand motion.
I am an old man, and I've seen many problems, most of which never happened.

Offline TheL

  • The Cock Teasing Teacher
  • The Beast
  • *****
  • Posts: 2219
  • Gender: Female
  • Fly like cheese sticks.
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2012, 08:48:50 pm »
Usually there's a lot of hand motion.

And hand lotion! :D
Quote from: ladyrenae
You there. The creepy person who decided I was supporting their position. Stop it.

"Half the reason that I like foreign music is because I can kid myself that "Shake dat ass" is more poetic in Hindi."
--Sanda

Move every 'sig.'  For great justice!

Offline ironbite

  • Overlord of all that is good in Iacon City
  • Kakarot
  • ******
  • Posts: 10250
  • Gender: Male
  • Your True God
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2012, 08:55:27 pm »
Only when you're around honey

Offline nickiknack

  • I Find Your Lack of Ponies... Disturbing
  • The Beast
  • *****
  • Posts: 6037
  • Gender: Female
  • HAS A KINK FOR SPACE NAZIS
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #10 on: January 25, 2012, 12:38:16 am »
Hairy Palms...sure sign of a masturbator  :P

Offline Witchyjoshy

  • SHITLORD THUNDERBASTARD!!
  • Kakarot
  • ******
  • Posts: 9044
  • Gender: Male
  • Thinks he's a bard
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #11 on: January 25, 2012, 12:56:47 am »
Do they have one of these?



If so, they're a masturbator.

Do they not have one of those?

They probably masturbate anyways.
Mockery of ideas you don't comprehend or understand is the surest mark of unintelligence.

Even the worst union is better than the best Walmart.

Caladur's Active Character Sheet

Offline clockworkgirl21

  • Day In, Day Out. All the Time. Work, Work, Work
  • The Beast
  • *****
  • Posts: 650
  • Gender: Female
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #12 on: January 25, 2012, 04:46:57 pm »
I don't believe everyone masturbates. Some people have no sex drive, or a low sex drive. I didn't masturbate until I was 16. I knew what it was, I didn't think anything was wrong with it, I just didn't feel the need to do it.

Offline DrFishcake

  • The Beast
  • *****
  • Posts: 625
  • Gender: Male
  • A vegetarian called Fishcake. Long story.
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #13 on: January 25, 2012, 05:25:28 pm »
Obligatory:

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv-34w8kGPM" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv-34w8kGPM</a>

Offline Sigmaleph

  • Ungodlike
  • Administrator
  • The Beast
  • *****
  • Posts: 3517
    • sigmaleph on tumblr
Re: How to Spot a Masturbator
« Reply #14 on: January 25, 2012, 07:36:04 pm »
I don't believe everyone masturbates. Some people have no sex drive, or a low sex drive. I didn't masturbate until I was 16. I knew what it was, I didn't think anything was wrong with it, I just didn't feel the need to do it.
Same, except I was older than 16. Older than I care to admit, actually. I'm still not sure what was up with me for all those years.
Σא