Author Topic: I have found the One True Heir to the Kingdom of Everything, No Take Backsies  (Read 172 times)

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Offline Art Vandelay

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Much like our resident sometimes Catholic, sometimes Anglican denim fetishist, I too have been searching for the True Ruler of not just England, but the entire world. After many long hours of research and jerking off, I have discovered beyond a shadow of a doubt that it can only be one person. Someone with both the power of God and Anime on his side. Someone whose greatness and penile girth is second to none. Someone whose mere presence is looked at with sheer, unfettered awe and worship, and whose beautiful body and perfect left nipple is spoken of only in hushed tones of reverence. Someone who, funnily enough, you all have had the privilege of basking in his glorious shadow, which has made you all the envy of the entire world. Yes, you guessed it, I speak of none of none other than this magnificent, three legged Adonis.

Also, I was visited in my sleep by a wizard from a parallel universe, who merged my memories with that of a Shetland pony. As you would expect, I now know what it is truly like to spend my days eating grass, being sat on by small children and pissing and shitting on the very same grass which I eat.

So yeah, we should all agree that I, um I mean, that guy needs to be made King of the Entire World and the Rest of the Universe Too. This will of course be done by creating a secret society that will infiltrate those Canadian police who ride horses and wear fancy uniforms and from there take over the world through the power of well dressed horseback apologies. So yeah, all hail the future God-Emperor for Life and his Definitely Not Small Man Burrito.

Oh fuck, I almost forgot. I have the new National Anthem for the Glorious Kingdom of Fuck You, I'm in Charge. Naturally, there is only one possible Official Theme Tune that truly conveys both what our Glorious Kingdom is all about and how amazing it is in general. It is, of course, this magnificent number. So yeah, long live Neo-Fuckyouistan or whatever it is we're going to call it.
« Last Edit: September 08, 2018, 04:40:17 am by Art Vandelay »

Offline Askold

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Well, it sounds as believable as anything Jacob has ever produced.
No matter what happens, no matter what my last words may end up being, I want everyone to claim that they were:
"If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine."
Aww, you guys rock. :)  I feel the love... and the pitchforks and torches.  Tingly!

Offline Jacob Harrison

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What makes you the rightful heir to the entire world? Your not descended from any ancient rulers of the world.

Offline Art Vandelay

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What makes you the rightful heir to the entire world? Your not descended from any ancient rulers of the world.
I have better qualifications than that. I have what got those ancient rulers their place at the top in the first place. I'm better than everyone else and everybody knows it.

Also, I know the difference between your and you're. A crucial part of being a great king, as you are no doubt aware. Not to mention, I have much better taste in music than you.

Offline Art Vandelay

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Oh, and let's not forget that I now have Shetland pony memories. If that doesn't grant me a mandate to rule, I don't know what does.

Offline Svata

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You also have one more thing up on every last one of the ancient rulers. You're ALIVE
"Politician" is the occupational equivalent of "Florida".

Offline Tolpuddle Martyr

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What makes you the rightful heir to the entire world? Your not descended from any ancient rulers of the world.
And you're not British, yet you still feel entitled to decide their destiny.

Offline Jacob Harrison

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What makes you the rightful heir to the entire world? Your not descended from any ancient rulers of the world.
And you're not British, yet you still feel entitled to decide their destiny.

Because I have English ancestry.

Offline Tolpuddle Martyr

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What makes you the rightful heir to the entire world? Your not descended from any ancient rulers of the world.
And you're not British, yet you still feel entitled to decide their destiny.

Because I have English ancestry.
So did George Washington, who gives a shit?