Author Topic: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.  (Read 147 times)

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Offline Jacob Harrison

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I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« on: October 03, 2018, 07:33:57 am »
Last night, I woke up. All of a sudden I saw Jesus and Satan hovering over me, Satan to my right and Jesus to my left. Satan spouted heresy telling me that I have eternal security of salvation so I can sin as much as I want. Jesus said that it’s a lie and that I should avoid sinning. He then saved me from Satan by having me roll out of my bed and fall onto the floor. After I fell to the floor, I was suddenly in my bed again and they were gone. How do you explain how I fell to the floor and suddenly was back in my bed?

« Last Edit: October 03, 2018, 07:58:56 am by Jacob Harrison »

Offline Art Vandelay

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Re: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2018, 08:14:49 am »
Oh, that was me. I broke into your room last night and furiously teabagged your face while yelling Bible verses at you. Unfortunately, I got a little carried away, and the force of my mighty ballbag sent you flying across the room. Thankfully, you were knocked out cold before you could fully wake up, and I was able to put you back on your bed before you realised what had actually happened.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I know full well there's no way you'll let yourself believe it wasn't Jesus Magic, so I can confess in great detail to using your face as a punching bag for my sackula and still get away with it. Fuck, it's a great time to be alive right now.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2018, 08:39:45 am by Art Vandelay »

Offline Jacob Harrison

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Re: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2018, 08:19:50 am »
Oh, that was me. I broke into your room last night and furiously teabagged your face while yelling Bible verses at you. Unfortunately, I got a little carried away, and the force of my mighty ballbag sent you flying across the room. Thankfully, you were knocked out cold before you could fully wake up, and I was able to put you back on your bed before you realised what had actually happened.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I know full well there's no way you'll let yourself believe it wasn't Jesus Magic, so I confess in great detail to using your face as a punching bag for my sackula and still get away with it. Fuck, it's a great time to be alive right now.

Then how come I saw both Jesus and Satan if it was just you? Furthermore, how were you able to break into my house since the door was locked and how did you get the money to travel to the US, given that you previously told me that I had to pay you lots of money for you to come to the US back when I wanted you to cut off my balls?
« Last Edit: October 03, 2018, 08:27:06 am by Jacob Harrison »

Offline Tolpuddle Martyr

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Re: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2018, 08:29:47 am »
Oh, that was me. I broke into your room last night and furiously teabagged your face while yelling Bible verses at you. Unfortunately, I got a little carried away, and the force of my mighty ballbag sent you flying across the room. Thankfully, you were knocked out cold before you could fully wake up, and I was able to put you back on your bed before you realised what had actually happened.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I know full well there's no way you'll let yourself believe it wasn't Jesus Magic, so I confess in great detail to using your face as a punching bag for my sackula and still get away with it. Fuck, it's a great time to be alive right now.

Then how come I saw both Jesus and Satan if it was just you? Furthermore, how were you able to break into my house since the door was locked and how did you get the money to travel to the US, given that you previously told me that I had to pay you lots of money for you to come to the US back when I wanted you to cut off my balls?
He's Schrödinger's teabagger, he exists in both Jesus-bag and devil-bag states simultaneously.

Offline Jacob Harrison

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Re: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2018, 08:37:53 am »
Oh, that was me. I broke into your room last night and furiously teabagged your face while yelling Bible verses at you. Unfortunately, I got a little carried away, and the force of my mighty ballbag sent you flying across the room. Thankfully, you were knocked out cold before you could fully wake up, and I was able to put you back on your bed before you realised what had actually happened.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I know full well there's no way you'll let yourself believe it wasn't Jesus Magic, so I confess in great detail to using your face as a punching bag for my sackula and still get away with it. Fuck, it's a great time to be alive right now.

Then how come I saw both Jesus and Satan if it was just you? Furthermore, how were you able to break into my house since the door was locked and how did you get the money to travel to the US, given that you previously told me that I had to pay you lots of money for you to come to the US back when I wanted you to cut off my balls?
He's Schrödinger's teabagger, he exists in both Jesus-bag and devil-bag states simultaneously.

If it was Art's backs then how come I saw the mouths of Jesus and Satan moving when they were talking. And why did Art do this?

Offline Art Vandelay

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Re: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2018, 08:45:56 am »
If it was Art's backs then how come I saw the mouths of Jesus and Satan moving when they were talking. And why did Art do this?
What, you've never fallen asleep in front of the TV? Shit you hear and feel while asleep gets incorporated into your dreams. I'm not sure why this even needs to be explained, it's pretty basic common knowledge.

Offline Jacob Harrison

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Re: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2018, 08:47:57 am »
If it was Art's backs then how come I saw the mouths of Jesus and Satan moving when they were talking. And why did Art do this?
What, you've never fallen asleep in front of the TV? Shit you hear and feel while asleep gets incorporated into your dreams. I'm not sure why this even needs to be explained, it's pretty basic common knowledge.

So why did you break into my house and teabag me? How were you able to break in?
« Last Edit: October 03, 2018, 08:49:37 am by Jacob Harrison »

Offline Art Vandelay

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Re: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2018, 09:02:38 am »
If it was Art's backs then how come I saw the mouths of Jesus and Satan moving when they were talking. And why did Art do this?
What, you've never fallen asleep in front of the TV? Shit you hear and feel while asleep gets incorporated into your dreams. I'm not sure why this even needs to be explained, it's pretty basic common knowledge.

So why did you break into my house and teabag me? How were you able to break in?

Because teabagging you and making you think that Jesus did it is fucking hilarious. As for how, I can very sneaky when I need to. In fact, I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces.

Offline Jacob Harrison

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Re: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« Reply #8 on: October 03, 2018, 09:58:50 am »
If it was Art's backs then how come I saw the mouths of Jesus and Satan moving when they were talking. And why did Art do this?
What, you've never fallen asleep in front of the TV? Shit you hear and feel while asleep gets incorporated into your dreams. I'm not sure why this even needs to be explained, it's pretty basic common knowledge.

So why did you break into my house and teabag me? How were you able to break in?

Because teabagging you and making you think that Jesus did it is fucking hilarious. As for how, I can very sneaky when I need to. In fact, I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces.

How are you in the Us armed forces if your from Australia? And how did you get the money to travel to the US, given that you previously said that I needed to give you money to come here back when I wanted you to cut off my balls?

Offline Art Vandelay

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Re: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« Reply #9 on: October 03, 2018, 10:01:52 am »
How are you in the Us armed forces if your from Australia? And how did you get the money to travel to the US, given that you previously said that I needed to give you money to come here back when I wanted you to cut off my balls?
If my from Australia what? You need to finish your sentences.

As for your balls, I'd be doing you a favour. Why the fuck would I pay for it myself?

Offline Jacob Harrison

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Re: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« Reply #10 on: October 03, 2018, 11:14:21 am »
How are you in the Us armed forces if your from Australia? And how did you get the money to travel to the US, given that you previously said that I needed to give you money to come here back when I wanted you to cut off my balls?
If my from Australia what? You need to finish your sentences.

As for your balls, I'd be doing you a favour. Why the fuck would I pay for it myself?

I am asking how could you as an Australian possibly be in the US armed forces?

Offline Art Vandelay

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Re: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« Reply #11 on: October 03, 2018, 11:28:51 am »
How are you in the Us armed forces if your from Australia? And how did you get the money to travel to the US, given that you previously said that I needed to give you money to come here back when I wanted you to cut off my balls?
If my from Australia what? You need to finish your sentences.

As for your balls, I'd be doing you a favour. Why the fuck would I pay for it myself?

I am asking how could you as an Australian possibly be in the US armed forces?

They made an exception for me because I'm just that fucking amazing. When you have a guy who's so fucking balls to the wall that he can knock a guy clear across a room with nothing but his ballbagula, and leave him thinking it was Jesus Magic all along, citizenship becomes a secondary concern at best.

Offline dpareja

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Re: I was visited by both Jesus and Satan last night.
« Reply #12 on: October 03, 2018, 01:49:06 pm »
Satan to my right and Jesus to my left.

This is clearly a sign that Jesus is on the side of the political left and Satan is on the side of the political right. I hope to hear about how you've now joined the DSA.
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