Wishes Will Be Corrupted

[Ghoti]

Granted, but the time paradox destroys the universe.

I wish evolution had favored people with a predisposition toward logic and reason more than groupthink and blind reactionism.

Granted. Evolution also favored people (or at least pre-people) with long tails that now get in the way.
I wish my eating habits weren't so fucked up.

[PosthumanHeresy]

Granted. Your drinking habits are so fucked up, as is your shit and piss.

I wish I could eat and not gain weight.

[Ghoti]

Granted. Your drinking habits are so fucked up, as is your shit and piss.

I wish I could eat and not gain weight.

Granted. You have intestinal parasites and die of malnutrition.

I wish I could shoot extremely painful but non-lethal lightning bolts from my fingertips.

[PosthumanHeresy]

Granted. You can only do it while masturbating, and only with the hand you use.

I wish I had the ability to shapeshift.

[Ghoti]

(Wow, that's cruel.)
Granted. You're a gelatinous blob.
I wish I could have a quirky but unfailingly loyal group of lifelong friends.

[R. U. Sirius]

Granted. They're so loyal they never want to leave you alone and insist on monopolizing all of your time, especially when you need to be doing something like important work.

I wish to be the sole winner of the first billion-dollar Powerball.

[Flying Mint Bunny!]

Granted, but it's the Zimbabwe Powerball.

I wish I could swim.

[Ghoti]

Granted, but it's the Zimbabwe Powerball.

I wish I could swim.

Granted. You lose the ability to walk.

I wish I could snap my fingers and instantly fix all the tags on tumblr.

[R. U. Sirius]

Granted, but it crashes the entire rest of the Internet.

I wish aliens would make peaceful contact and tell humans to quit fucking killing each other already.

[Ghoti]

Granted, but it crashes the entire rest of the Internet.

I wish aliens would make peaceful contact and tell humans to quit fucking killing each other already.

Granted. All the earthlings band together to massacre the aliens.
I wish my roommate's cat would fucking leave me alone.

[PosthumanHeresy]

Granted. Hurt by your dislike for it, it manipulates a knife into falling onto it's head to kill itself.

I wish I had a cat that wouldn't leave me alone.

[Ghoti]

Granted. Hurt by your dislike for it, it manipulates a knife into falling onto it's head to kill itself.

I wish I had a cat that wouldn't leave me alone.

Granted. It ruins everything you love because you're not paying enough attention to it.
I wish my debit card would get its shit together.

[PosthumanHeresy]

Granted. Your credit card loses its shit.

I wish my left eye wasn't so sensitive that eyeliner bugs it.

[R. U. Sirius]

Granted. Your cock is so sensitive that the slightest breeze causes unbearable pain.

I wish for the ability to perfectly adapt to survive in any environment, as the mutant Darwin in X-Men.

[Ghoti]

Granted. Your cock is so sensitive that the slightest breeze causes unbearable pain.

I wish for the ability to perfectly adapt to survive in any environment, as the mutant Darwin in X-Men.

Granted. The environment you're in is full of religious whackjobs, and you adapt by becoming just like them.
I wish I wasn't so overcaffeinated.