Wishes Will Be Corrupted

[Ghoti]

I'm refusing to corrupt that wish, because really? What the hell is wrong with you, Sirius?

I wish trees gave off free wifi signals.

[Se7enInchesOfEgo]

Granted, but the trees charge for wifi. They do not accept your puny human dollars, instead the trees want to be paid in golden showers. If you want to use a trees wifi then you must let the tree pee on your face and you must like it <3

I wish a tree would give me a golden shower

[Ghoti]

Granted. It's from a pine tree that pisses pine sap. Pine sap fills your mouth, your nose, your eyes, your throat. It seeps into every pore. It covers you, envelops you, penetrates you. The pine sap unmakes you, and moves on.

I wish for unlimited wishes.

[R. U. Sirius]

Granted, but you can only wish for good things to happen to people you hate.

I wish Robin Williams was still alive.

[Second Coming of Madman]

Congratulations, Sean Connery is now dead. Robin Williams is alive in his place, and spends his time eternally remaking Jack.

I wish that I had a tentacle.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted. I'm quite certain you've seen enough hentai to know where this is going.

I wish for some olive oil.

[Ghoti]

Granted. You have to shit it out.

I wish I could keep Salem.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted, but you don't get to keep your teeth.

I wish for bread.

[Random Gal]

Granted. It's covered in nasty and highly toxic green mold.

I wish for a Sword of Slay Anything In One Hit.

[R. U. Sirius]

Granted, but you find out too late that the sword counts any physical contact as a "hit".

I wish to be even half as badass as Bruce Lee.

[Ghoti]

Granted. Though you were badass in life, you die an ignoble death.

I wish for the power to win any competition or bet I participate in.

[Random Gal]

Granted. You win a "who can hold their breath underwater the longest" contest by drowning.

I wish for pie.

[Ghoti]

Granted. You start a chain reaction that ends in the apocalypse.

I wish my foot wasn't asleep.

[Art Vandelay]

Fucking hell.

Granted, it's been hacked off with a rusty hatchet instead.

I wish I could kill birds with my mind.

[R. U. Sirius]

Granted, but it causes a fatal aneurysm.

I wish there were fewer obnoxious assholes in the world.