You know those chain stories your grandmother posts on Facebook and forewords to your E-mail? The ones that usually end in "And then everyone in the room erupted into cheers"? The ones that very clearly never actually happened?
Well this thread is about those. Because they're hilarious.
This one is a classic:
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 min.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting.'
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-****** him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What in the world is the matter with you? 'Why did you do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'GOD was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.'
The classroom erupted in cheers!
And here's the parody version of the above:
A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist
"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!"
At this moment, a brave, patriotic Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.
"How old is this rock, pinhead?"
The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied "4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian"
"Wrong. It's been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real... then it should be an animal now"
The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the "poor" (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, DeShawn Washington, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!
The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named "Small Government" flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.
The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.
Semper Fi.
Here's one from the other end of the religious spectrum:
So I was standing in a rather large line at my local Wal-Mart today behind a couple families that I know from when I went to church with my family in year younger. It was the only register open so there wasn't much of another option to get my 12 pack of Mountain Dew for a party I was heading to. I was wondering why the line was going nowhere when I decided to poke my head up front to see what the holdup was. It was a little old lady who didn't have enough for her groceries and she was trying to talk the cashier into letting her get away with being short. This struck me as odd until I found out she was a mere $0.21 short of her purchase. Now all these families were just staring and there was even two making fun of her. I walked up and handed my soda to the cashier, handed him a $5 and told her to keep the change. One of the middle aged women (I knew these people, so I also knew that they all make over 6 digits) grabbed her kid and yelled very loudly, "See that man? He's acting just like Jesus wants us to." For some reason this set me off, so I turned around. I haven't shaved in awhile so I'm rocking some nice scruff, a Slayer shirt, and gym shorts, so it must have been a nice sight. Very loudly, I said "Like Jesus? Ma'am I'm an atheist who makes minimum wage and I was the one who stepped up to help her? Your hypocritical Christianity is an inspiration to us all." As I stormed out, a couple of the cart boys started to whistle and cheer, soon shoppers joined in and even the cashier. I gave a wave and went off with a feeling of accomplishment.
This one shows up on my facebook wall all the fucking time.
A 50-something year old white woman arrived at her seat and saw that the passenger next to her was a black man. Visibly furious, she called the air hostess.
"Whats the problem, ma?" the hostess asked her.
"Cant you see?" the lady said - "I was given a seat next to a black man. I cant seat here next to him. You have to change my seat"
"Please, calm down, ma" - said the hostess
"Unfortunately, all the seats are occupied, but I`m still going to check if we have any."
The hostess left and returned some minutes later.
"Madam, as I told you, there aren't any empty seat in this class.
But I spoke to the captain and he confirmed that there aren't any empty seats in the economy class. We only have seats in the first class."
And before the woman said anything, the hostess continued;
"Look, it is unusual for our company to allow a passenger from the economy class change to the first class.
However, given the circumstances, the commandant thinks that it would be a scandal to make a passenger travel sat next to an unpleasant person."
And turning to the black man, the hostess said:
"Which means, Sir, if you would be so nice to pack your handbag, we have reserved you a seat in the first class..."
And all the passengers nearby, who were shocked to see the scene started applauding, some standing on their feet.
LIKE AND SHARE IF YOU ARE AGAINST RACISM!
And this is some nerd's revenge fantasy:
(Our Japanese restaurant is near a school that annually hosts an anime convention. So, it’s fairly common to have cosplayers among our customers at the time of the con. The owner is okay with it as long as they don’t annoy the other customers. On this day, we seat twelve cosplayers and, later, I seat three young customers near them.)
Young Customer #1: “What is this? Why are those guys costumed?”
Me: “Oh, there’s a large anime convention ongoing at the local school. It’s rather common to see them at the times of the gathering.”
Young Customer #1: *chuckles* “Yeah, what a bunch of dorks.”
Young Customer #2: “Total nerds.”
(Since there are no other free tables and they didn’t pre-order a table, they sit near the cosplayers while mocking them under their breath. In the meantime, a cosplayer of Pikachu is talking somewhat loudly on his phone.)
Young Customer #2: *waves at me* “Hey, you! Tell those dorks to shut up!”
Halo Cosplayer: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir.” *to ‘Pikachu’* “Dude, not so loud. You’re bothering people.”
Pikachu Cosplayer: “What? Oh, sorry to bother you guys.” *starts talking again, but much quieter*
Young Customer #3: “Yeah, that’s right. Shut up, you virgin nerd!”
Young Customer #1: “Go back to the library, virgins!”
(At this point, I warn the owner about the behavior of the younger customers. He immediately goes to their table.)
Owner: “What seems to be the problem?”
Young Customer #1: “It’s not our fault. Those nerds started to insult us! We’re not going to stay here and do nothing!”
Owner: “My staff told me the contrary, actually.”
Young Customer #3: “What?! That b***h waitress is lying!”
Owner: “Sir, I won’t allow you to insult my staff or customers. Those cosplayers were extremely polite and quiet during their meals, unlike you. If someone must be thrown out, it’s you.”
(In the blink of an eye, one of the young customers gets up and tries to grab the owner. However, to our surprise, one of the cosplayers playing Batman grabs him by the hair, slams him on the table and holds him still.)
Young Customer #1: “OW! That f***ing hurts! Who the f*** do you think you are, you motherf***er?!”
Batman Cosplayer: *in a raspy tone* “I am vengeance. I am the night. I am… Batman.”
(The two other customers begin to yell, but quickly shut up when all the cosplayers get up and surround them, showing that most of them are clearly larger than them. The mall security arrests the bad customers, and the cosplayers leave after apologizing for the trouble. However, it’s not before we snap a picture with them. Now, we frequently joke about that time when Batman, Pikachu and Master Chief saved the restaurant!)
I think this speaks for itself:
(http://i.imgur.com/sE2U6.jpg)
The professor of a university challenged his students with this question. "Did God create everything that exists?" A student answered bravely, "Yes, he did".
The professor then asked, "If God created everything, then he created evil. Since evil exists (as noticed by our own actions), so God is evil. The student couldn't respond to that statement causing the professor to conclude that he had "proved" that "belief in God" was a fairy tale, and therefore worthless.
Another student raised his hand and asked the professor, "May I pose a question? " "Of course" answered the professor.
The young student stood up and asked : "Professor does Cold exists?"
The professor answered, "What kind of question is that? ...Of course the cold exists... haven't you ever been cold?"
The young student answered, "In fact sir, Cold does not exist. According to the laws of Physics, what we consider cold, in fact is the absence of heat. Anything is able to be studied as long as it transmits energy (heat). Absolute Zero is the total absence of heat, but cold does not exist. What we have done is create a term to describe how we feel if we don't have body heat or we are not hot."
"And, does Dark exist?", he continued. The professor answered "Of course". This time the student responded, "Again you're wrong, Sir. Darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in fact simply the absence of light. Light can be studied, darkness can not. Darkness cannot be broken down. A simple ray of light tears the darkness and illuminates the surface where the light beam finishes. Dark is a term that we humans have created to describe what happens when there's lack of light."
Finally, the student asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?" The professor replied, "Of course it exists, as I mentioned at the beginning, we see violations, crimes and violence anywhere in the world, and those things are evil."
The student responded, "Sir, Evil does not exist. Just as in the previous cases, Evil is a term which man has created to describe the result of the absence of God's presence in the hearts of man."
After this, the professor bowed down his head, and didn't answer back.
The young man's name was ALBERT EINSTEIN.
The following is a true story that happened just a few years ago at USC.
STAND UP!!!
There was a professor of philosophy who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn’t exist. His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable logic. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him because of his reputation. At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students, "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus, stand up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, "Because anyone who believes in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is God, and yet He can’t do it." And every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor of the classroom and it would shatter into a hundred pieces. All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students thought that God couldn’t exist. Certainly, a number of Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to stand up.
Well, a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to enroll. He was a Christian, and had heard the stories about his professor. He was required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class thought. Nothing they said could ever shatter his faith...he hoped.
Finally, the day came. The professor said, " If there is anyone here who still believes in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom. The professor shouted, "You FOOL!!! If God existed, he would keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!" He proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the ground, it simply rolled away unbroken. The professor’s jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man, and then ran out of the lecture hall. The young man who had stood, proceeded to walk to the front of the room and shared his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told of God’s love for them and of His power through Jesus.
I'm sure we've all come across this one at one time or another:
A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.
As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold. Angry, he raised his voice to his father and said "With all your money, you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.
Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.
When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. And as he did, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words PAID IN FULL.
How many times do we miss Spirit's blessings and answers to our prayers because they do not arrive exactly as we have expected?
And finally, one of those "patron tells off diners in restaurant for disagreeing with war" stories:
It could have been any night of the week, as I sat in one of those loud and casual steak houses that are cropping up all over the country. You know the type - a bucket of peanuts on the table, shells littering the floor, and a bunch of perky college kids racing around with longneck beers and sizzling platters.
Taking a sip of my iced tea, I studied the crowd over the rim of my glass. I let my gaze linger on a few of the tables next to me, where several uniformed military members were enjoying their meals. Smiling sadly, I glanced across my booth to the empty seat where my husband usually sat. It had only been a few weeks since we had sat at this very table talking about his upcoming deployment to the Middle East. He made me promise to come back to this restaurant once a month, sit in our booth, and treat myself to a nice dinner. He told me that he would treasure the thought of me there eating a steak and thinking about him until he came home. I fingered the little flag pin I wear on my jacket and wondered where at that moment he was. Was he safe and warm? Was his cold any better? Were any of my letters getting to him?
As I pondered all of these things, shrill feminine voices from the next booth broke into my thoughts. "I don't know what Bush is thinking invading Iraq. Didn't he learn anything from his father's mistakes? He is an idiot anyway, I can't believe he is even in office. You know he stole the election."
I cut into my steak and tried not to listen as they began an endless tirade of running down our president. I thought about the last night I was with my husband as he prepared to deploy. He had just returned from getting his smallpox and anthrax shots and the image of his standing in our kitchen, packing his gas mask still gave me chills.
Once again their voices invaded my thoughts. "It is all about oil, you know. Our military will go in and rape and pillage and steal all the oil they can in the name of freedom. I wonder how many innocent lives our soldiers will take without a thought. It is just pure greed."
My chest tightened and I stared at my wedding ring. I could picture how handsome my husband was in his mess dress the day he slipped it on my finger. I wondered what he was wearing at that moment. He probably had on his desert uniform, affectionately dubbed coffee stains, over the top of which he wore a heavy bulletproof vest. "We should just leave Iraq alone. I don't think they are hiding any weapons. I think it is all a ploy to increase the president's popularity and pad the budget of our military at the expense of social security and education. We are just asking for another 9-11 and I can't say when it happens again that we didn't deserve it."
Their words brought to mind the war protesters I had watched gathering outside our base. Did no one appreciate the sacrifice of brave men and women who leave their homes and family to ensure our freedom? I glimpsed at the tables around me and saw the faces of some of those courageous men, looking sad as they listened to the ladies talk.
"Well, I for one, think it is a travesty to invade Iraq and I am certainly sick of our tax dollars going to train the professional baby killers we call a military."
Professional baby killers? As I thought about what a wonderful father my husband is and wondered how long it would be before he was able to see his children again, indignation rose up within me. Normally reserved, pride in my husband gave me a boldness I had never known. Tonight, one voice would cry out on behalf of the military. One shy woman would stand and let her pride in our troops be known.
I made my way to their table, placed my palms flat on it and lowered myself to be eye level with them. Smiling I said, "I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I am sitting over here trying to enjoy my dinner alone. Do you know why I am alone? Because my husband, whom I love dearly, is halfway across the world defending your right to say rotten things about him. You have the right to your opinion, and what you think is none of my business, but what you say in my hearing is and I will not sit by and listen to you run down my country, my president, my husband, and all these other fine men and women in here who put their lives on the line to give you the freedom to complain. Freedom is expensive, ladies, don't let your actions cheapen it." I must have been louder than I meant to be, because about that time the manager came over and asked if everything was all right. "Yes, thank you," I replied and then turned back to the ladies, "Enjoy the rest of your meal."
To my surprise, as I sat down to finish my steak, a round of applause broke out in the restaurant. Not long after, the ladies picked up their check and scurried away. The manager brought me a huge helping of apple cobbler and ice cream, compliments of the table to my left. He told me that the ladies had tried to pay for my dinner, but someone had beaten them to it. When I asked who, he said the couple had already left, but that the man had mentioned he was a WWII vet and wanted to take care of the wife of one of our boys.
I turned to thank the soldiers for the cobbler, but they wouldn't hear a word of it, retorting, "Thank you, you said what we wanted to say but aren't allowed."
As I drove home that night, for the first time in a long while, I didn't feel quite so alone. My heart was filled with the warmth of all the patrons who had stopped by my table to tell me they too were proud of my husband and that he would be in their prayers. I knew their flags would fly a little higher the next day. Perhaps they would look for tangible ways to show their pride in our country and our troops, and maybe, just maybe, the two ladies sitting at that table next to me would pause for a minute to appreciate all the freedom this great country offers and what it costs to maintain.
As for me, I had learned that one voice can make a difference. Maybe the next time protesters gather outside the gates of the base where I live, I will proudly stand across the street with a sign of my own, a sign that says "Thank you!"
I was out getting groceries, and this kid was knocking things off the shelves and being a little brat. His mom eventually showed up, but did nothing to clean up his mess or discipline him in any way. I wouldn't have given it a second thought, except for what happened next. The kid ran up from nowhere and grabbed my butt from behind. I jumped up real quick and was about to yell at him, when his mom popped around the corner and I didn't feel like dealing with it too much. I said something like "Can you keep your kid under control?", and she gave me a bunch of crap about minding my own business. Whatever, bitch. I started to turn away to continue shopping, and the little fucker grabbed my arm. Then he bit my hand, drawing blood. what. the. fuck.
The mom was absolutely useless. "Ralphie! You don't bite people!" she said, but more like in a tone of laughter. As if I somehow deserved it for daring to tell her to Be A Parent. My hand was bleeding, the mom was just sort of laughing about it, and that little shit knew he could get away with it, just like everything else. It was obvious that no matter what I said or did, the mom would just shrug her shoulders and say "what can I do? He's SUCH a little rascal!"
Oh hell no, not this time.
I paused for a few seconds, took a deep breath, and told the mom "There's something you should know. I'm HIV positive." You could see the color go out of her face as I told her this. "If he has any open sores in his mouth, the HIV could transfer." The kid started to see from his mom's reaction that he might actually have to suffer consequences. The best part was when I mentioned "extensive blood tests." The look on the kid's face was priceless. I left them in tears, and on the hook for a bunch of blood tests (I don't actually have AIDS).
A school assignment....
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.
Yeah, because most people would totally accept that deal and not slap the shit out of him.
People dress up as Batman and Master Chief to go to an anime convention, huh? Methinks the author of that particular story didn't quite think it through.
I go to anime conventions and I've seen people dressed as non-anime characters.
Back on topic:
Male warrior
Another time, I was serving a psychotic feminazi. I’m talking about the bra-less, arm-full-of-hair, moustache- toting superiority complexing nitwit who makes everybody wish for her swift and painful death. Anyways as soon as I started serving her she gave me crap because I’m a bloke. I just ignored her and zoned out a bit while she proceeded to remind me that a woman would do a better job than me.
Suddenly, the phone next to me rings. I pick it up and it’s the service manager.
Feminazi: Pfft, probably your manager telling you that you’re fired
Me: Hello?
SM: You do realise you have the right to refuse service to anybody?
Me: Do we now?
SM: Yeah. Oh I do mean anybody by the way. Such as a giant hermaphrodite that insults male employees for being male.
Me: *nods in a business-like manner, trying not to grin*. Okay thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.
Now I was good. I didn’t immediately tell her to go fuck a dick instantly. I waited untill the next insult. Whether or not I sped up the process by “accidentally” pressing the wrong button is irrelevant!
Feminazi: AGAIN! You FOOL. Cant men do ANYTHING right?
Me: That’s it.
*voids transaction
Me: I’ve voided your transaction and I’ve been given permission to give you the royal boot. Get the hell outta my store.
Feminazi: You cant do that!
Me: Well…I cant physically throw you out. But that’s why I’ve got security to do such things for me.
Feminazi: You wouldn’t dare.
Me:
*calls for security to remove an unruly customer
Feminazi (whilst hurrying out the door): I’ll never shop here again!
Me (calling out to it): I’m counting on it.
I love it so much when we can get our own back.
Parody of one from the first post.
https://images.4chan.org/lit/src/1345787767553.png
Yeah, the 4Chan logo really captures the glurge. :P
Fuck me.
I managed to find a text version, long live the copypasta.
A marxist post-structuralist continental Ecole Normale Supérieure professor and feminist activist was teaching a class on Martin Heidegger, known hermeneuticist.
”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Nietzsche and accept that his genealogical method was the most highly-evolved theory the continent has ever known, even greater than Hegel's dialectics!”
At this moment, a brave, rational, positivist analytic philosopher who had read more than 15000 pages of Popper and Wittgenstein and understood the raison d'être of empiricism and fully supported all modern hard sciences stood up and held up the constitution.
”How universal is this text, frenchfag?"
The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “It's not universal at all, fucking positivist, its 'truth' is rooted in our shared understandings about culture, the subject and the nexus of power and knowledge”
”Wrong. It’s been 225 years since human reason created it. If it was not universal, and post-modern relativism, as you say, is real… then it should be regarded as a myth now”
The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of On Grammatology. He stormed out of the room crying those ironic post-modern crocodile tears. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Michel Foucault, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than an AIDS ridden sadomasochist interested in fisting. He wished so much that he had some kind of truth to hold on to, but he himself had written to disprove it!
The students applauded and all rolled into American universities that day and accepted Wittgenstein as the end of philosophy. An eagle named “Formal logic” flew into the room and perched atop the copy of "Principa Mathematica" and shed a tear on the hardcover. The last sentence of "Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus" was read several times, and Karl Popper himself showed up and demonstrated how dialectics is nothing but a means of justifying contradictions.
The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and his "books" were disregarded for all eternity.