You know those chain stories your grandmother posts on Facebook and forewords to your E-mail? The ones that usually end in "And then everyone in the room erupted into cheers"? The ones that very clearly never actually happened?
Well this thread is about those. Because they're hilarious.
This one is a classic:
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 min.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting.'
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-****** him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.
The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What in the world is the matter with you? 'Why did you do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'GOD was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.'
The classroom erupted in cheers!
And here's the parody version of the above:
A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor was teaching a class on Karl Marx, known atheist
"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!"
At this moment, a brave, patriotic Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decision made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.
"How old is this rock, pinhead?"
The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied "4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian"
"Wrong. It's been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real... then it should be an animal now"
The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the "poor" (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, DeShawn Washington, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a gun to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself had petitioned against them!
The students applauded and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named "Small Government" flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.
The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.
Semper Fi.
Here's one from the other end of the religious spectrum:
So I was standing in a rather large line at my local Wal-Mart today behind a couple families that I know from when I went to church with my family in year younger. It was the only register open so there wasn't much of another option to get my 12 pack of Mountain Dew for a party I was heading to. I was wondering why the line was going nowhere when I decided to poke my head up front to see what the holdup was. It was a little old lady who didn't have enough for her groceries and she was trying to talk the cashier into letting her get away with being short. This struck me as odd until I found out she was a mere $0.21 short of her purchase. Now all these families were just staring and there was even two making fun of her. I walked up and handed my soda to the cashier, handed him a $5 and told her to keep the change. One of the middle aged women (I knew these people, so I also knew that they all make over 6 digits) grabbed her kid and yelled very loudly, "See that man? He's acting just like Jesus wants us to." For some reason this set me off, so I turned around. I haven't shaved in awhile so I'm rocking some nice scruff, a Slayer shirt, and gym shorts, so it must have been a nice sight. Very loudly, I said "Like Jesus? Ma'am I'm an atheist who makes minimum wage and I was the one who stepped up to help her? Your hypocritical Christianity is an inspiration to us all." As I stormed out, a couple of the cart boys started to whistle and cheer, soon shoppers joined in and even the cashier. I gave a wave and went off with a feeling of accomplishment.
This one shows up on my facebook wall all the fucking time.
A 50-something year old white woman arrived at her seat and saw that the passenger next to her was a black man. Visibly furious, she called the air hostess.
"Whats the problem, ma?" the hostess asked her.
"Cant you see?" the lady said - "I was given a seat next to a black man. I cant seat here next to him. You have to change my seat"
"Please, calm down, ma" - said the hostess
"Unfortunately, all the seats are occupied, but I`m still going to check if we have any."
The hostess left and returned some minutes later.
"Madam, as I told you, there aren't any empty seat in this class.
But I spoke to the captain and he confirmed that there aren't any empty seats in the economy class. We only have seats in the first class."
And before the woman said anything, the hostess continued;
"Look, it is unusual for our company to allow a passenger from the economy class change to the first class.
However, given the circumstances, the commandant thinks that it would be a scandal to make a passenger travel sat next to an unpleasant person."
And turning to the black man, the hostess said:
"Which means, Sir, if you would be so nice to pack your handbag, we have reserved you a seat in the first class..."
And all the passengers nearby, who were shocked to see the scene started applauding, some standing on their feet.
LIKE AND SHARE IF YOU ARE AGAINST RACISM!
And this is some nerd's revenge fantasy:
(Our Japanese restaurant is near a school that annually hosts an anime convention. So, it’s fairly common to have cosplayers among our customers at the time of the con. The owner is okay with it as long as they don’t annoy the other customers. On this day, we seat twelve cosplayers and, later, I seat three young customers near them.)
Young Customer #1: “What is this? Why are those guys costumed?”
Me: “Oh, there’s a large anime convention ongoing at the local school. It’s rather common to see them at the times of the gathering.”
Young Customer #1: *chuckles* “Yeah, what a bunch of dorks.”
Young Customer #2: “Total nerds.”
(Since there are no other free tables and they didn’t pre-order a table, they sit near the cosplayers while mocking them under their breath. In the meantime, a cosplayer of Pikachu is talking somewhat loudly on his phone.)
Young Customer #2: *waves at me* “Hey, you! Tell those dorks to shut up!”
Halo Cosplayer: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir.” *to ‘Pikachu’* “Dude, not so loud. You’re bothering people.”
Pikachu Cosplayer: “What? Oh, sorry to bother you guys.” *starts talking again, but much quieter*
Young Customer #3: “Yeah, that’s right. Shut up, you virgin nerd!”
Young Customer #1: “Go back to the library, virgins!”
(At this point, I warn the owner about the behavior of the younger customers. He immediately goes to their table.)
Owner: “What seems to be the problem?”
Young Customer #1: “It’s not our fault. Those nerds started to insult us! We’re not going to stay here and do nothing!”
Owner: “My staff told me the contrary, actually.”
Young Customer #3: “What?! That b***h waitress is lying!”
Owner: “Sir, I won’t allow you to insult my staff or customers. Those cosplayers were extremely polite and quiet during their meals, unlike you. If someone must be thrown out, it’s you.”
(In the blink of an eye, one of the young customers gets up and tries to grab the owner. However, to our surprise, one of the cosplayers playing Batman grabs him by the hair, slams him on the table and holds him still.)
Young Customer #1: “OW! That f***ing hurts! Who the f*** do you think you are, you motherf***er?!”
Batman Cosplayer: *in a raspy tone* “I am vengeance. I am the night. I am… Batman.”
(The two other customers begin to yell, but quickly shut up when all the cosplayers get up and surround them, showing that most of them are clearly larger than them. The mall security arrests the bad customers, and the cosplayers leave after apologizing for the trouble. However, it’s not before we snap a picture with them. Now, we frequently joke about that time when Batman, Pikachu and Master Chief saved the restaurant!)
I think this speaks for itself:
That first one never ceases to make me sick.
We can't prove we're right with logic and reasoned debate, so we'll show you who's boss with violence and bandwagon fallacies! MIGHT MAKES RIGHT, AND TRUTH IS A DEMOCRACY.
'Round these here parts, we don't take kindly to you dumb snooty intellectuals challenging our simple-minded worldviews with that there high-falutin' logic! We don't need no fancy knowledge or edumakations round here! 'CUZ WE GOTS FISTS, RIFLES, AND JESUS, AND WE AIN'T NEED NOTHIN' ELSE. GOD BLESS AMURRICA!
Blatant anti-intellectualism at its finest (err, worst?).
