So, I was reading through the Funny Pics thread over in the Lounge, when ironbite posted this pie chart, I think still on page 1:
My reaction: "...what the fuck is Christwire?"
So I googled it, and of course found the Skyrim article without much trouble. It's about as accurate as you would expect. But one of the sub-pages listed directly below the first result was the article "How to spot a Masturbator":
http://christwire.org/2010/05/how-to-spot-a-masturbator/If you haven't read it, I would; it's excellent snark bait most of the way through. It's riddled with Hard Science, and it reads just like an article written by my grandmother on the dangers of "chronic or even casual masturbators". This article is insane and hilarious at the same time. This paragraph rendered me speechless and wins a "Creepiest thing a Parent can legally do" award:
Maternal wisdom has long stated that oversleeping, locked doors, avoiding eye contact, messy beds, fear of clean underwear, long steamy showers and a pungent bleach-like odor on one’s bedsheets are all red flags of masturbation invasion. One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.†If the boy’s face turns red and he runs from the room, the evidence is clear. The internet also makes it much easier for parents to identify a child’s masturbation habits.
Yeah, it means that, or it means YOU PRESSED YOUR NOSE INTO WHERE HIS CROTCH IS WHILE HE SLEEPS.
Incidentally, I have a real guide for determining if your teen son/daughter masturbates. There are two key warning signs:
1) They have a penis, or
2) They have a vagina