Spoilered for length. I have a lot of these lying around.
(Well, technically they were written as "More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today", but there's a lot of overlap between Fundies and the GOP nowadays)
* Ordering the plug pulled on a brain dead spouse is an Affront to the Culture of Life, unless the one ordering the plug pulled is Tom Delay's mother. That's an intensely private family decision that's none of our business.
* Ruling against the discrimination of gays is unrestrained judicial activism; the Supreme Court giving the 2000 election to a Republican who got a half million less votes is a proper use of judicial power.
* Waterboarding is only torture when used against American soldiers in World War 2.
* It's okay to hit on underage pages, solicit gay sex in an airport bathroom, and cheat on your wife (with or without diapers, payoffs, rentboys, or trips to Argentina) as long as you're a Good Christian(TM).
* A brown-skinned Muslim who calls for the bombing of Americans, the deaths of American soldiers, and the assassination of American elected officials is a terrorist. A white-skinned Christian who calls for the bombing of Americans, the deaths of American soldiers, and the assassination of American elected officials is a patriot.
* Women are inferior to men, and should be barefoot, pregnant, in the kitchen, and quiet; unless they're really hot and run for political office as Republicans.
* The Constitution says nothing about things like establishing justice, insuring domestic tranquility, providing for the common defence, promoting the general welfare, and securing the blessings of liberty, but does say that we are a Christian nation ordained by God and no other religions should be acknowledged in any way.
* You are a female politician opposed to masturbation, even though rednecks who jack off to your picture are your most reliable voting block.
* The Bible is the inerrant, literal word of God when it talks about the Earth being created in six days and homosexuality being an abomination. The Bible is a flawed work interpreted by errant humans when it talks about loving your neighbor, turning the other cheek, and the evils of greed.
* The candidate who concieved a child out of wedlock and sent videos of a woman having sex with a horse is an examplar of American family values. A congressman who just happens to be Muslim is a threat to America.
* Being opposed to the establishment of religion is the exact same thing as supporting Sharia law.
* "America, Love It Or Leave It" is a patriotic duty to threaten to secede from the Union when you don't like current government policies.
* Bob Dole's heath care plan and George HW Bush's energy policy on carbon credits instantly became radical socialism as soon as Barack Obama endorsed them.
* Birth control for humans is immoral and in defiance of God's plan. Birth control for wild horses is absolutely necessary and proper to keep their population from growing out of control.
* The best way to create jobs is to ban abortions, outlaw labor unions, and shut down the Federal government.
* Natalie Portman is a terrible person and a bad role model for having a child out of wedlock. Bristol Palin? Why are you bringing her up? What relevance does that have to this discussion?
* John Edwards cheated on his cancer-stricken wife because he's a degenerate scumbag. Newt Gingrich cheated on his cancer-stricken first wife because of his patriotism and love of America.
* The 1950's were the absolute best time in human history because taxes were low, unions were weak, and homosexuals didn't exist.
* The last five hundred years of scientific advancement are not the result of thousands of scientists making observations, positing theories, and having them subject to peer review. The last five hundred years of scientific advancement are the result of a massive, secretive conspiracy to prove the Bible wrong and turn people away from Jesus.
* You rail about how the last five hundred years of scientific and technological advancement is the work of Satan. From your internet blog.
* It's okay to give people government funded vouchers so that they can send their kids to religious schools. It's not okay for the government to fund Planned Parenthood.
* You are against the right to an abortion. You are also against everything that would reduce the number of abortions: birth control, sex education (both of which would reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies), and government funded health care and aid services (which would help the women who choose to deliver and possibly keep the children). The only acceptable solution to abortion is for them sluts to keep their legs closed--the involvement of anyone else in creating the pregnancy is irrelevant.
* All life is sacred and precious from the moment of conception until the moment of birth.
* Execution is a just punishment for capital offenses. Capital offenses now include "Embarrassing the justice system by being innocent" and "Threatening the low tax rates of millionaires by getting sick while uninsured"
* Two gay men in a long-term relationship would debase marriage far more than Brttny Spears's quickie divorce or Kim Kardashian basically getting married as a publicity stunt (and then getting divorced 72 days later when there was a danger that the media might stop talking about her for a minute).
* It is grossly unfair for the opponent of a pro-Family Republican congressman to point out that the pro-Family Republican congressman is not paying his child support.
* Disagreeing with the Catholic Church on birth control and abortion is a "War on religion". Disagreeing with the Catholic Church on the death penalty, immigration, caring for the poor, and the Iraq War is not.
* A talk radio host once caught carrying a bag full of illegal Viagra out of the child prostitute capitol of the Western hemisphere has the moral authority to call women who use birth control "sluts" and "prostitutes"
* Women never use contraception for any reason other than preventing pregnancy, just like men never use Viagra for any reason other than to cause pregnancy.
* Not offensive: Government telling women what they can and can't do with their own vaginas. Offensive: Women actually saying the word "vagina".
* Women can never get pregnant as the result of rape.
* Abortion is an absolute wrong even in cases of rape, incest, or to protect the life of the woman carrying the fetus. Abortion is permissible when the woman carrying the fetus is the mistress of a married, pro-life, family values Republican congressman.
* Slavery was a good and Christian practice, and Abraham Lincoln was a war criminal and the Anti-Christ for ending it.
* It's "enormously insensitive" of God's feelings for humans to not tear up nature and spew toxins into the atmosphere by using oil.
* You decry the decline of America's scientific leadership in the world while attacking the National Science Foundation and pushing to teach Creationism in science class.
* Lack of religious values is to blame for terrorist acts by religious extremists.