Most Loathsome Americans of 2011

[Rabbit of Caerbannog]

The guy who prank called Scott Walker releases a yearly list of the 50 most loathsome Americans.

I won't list everyone here but I'll give some highlights, with spoiler tags for the #1 spot just in case:

49) Harold Camping

Crimes: To hype his May 21st Judgment Day, the frog-voiced preaching mummy rented over 1,200 billboards, all of which Jesus totally missed. It wouldn’t matter if this guy was just masturbating under his “End is Nigh” sandwich board, like a respectable doomsayer, but every time he “predicts” the rapture many of his 200,000 benighted listeners max-out their credit cards for his $72 million Family Radio, and some lunatic slashes her children’s throats, so they won’t have to suffer through the tribulation.

Smoking Gun: In this May 19th BEAST interview with Camping you can hear a vacuum — because nothing says you sincerely believe the END OF THE WORLD is two days away, and not an obvious scam to bilk your followers, like keeping up on housework.

Sentence: Deathbed conversion to Scientology, posthumously baptized by Mormons, savings bequeathed to a charity chosen by Ricky Gervais.

48) Christopher Hitchens

Crimes: First dead atheist to inspire such hagiographic dreck since Mother Teresa. Born British, died unmistakably American, having been so wooed by the “War on Terror” that he was sworn in by then DHS head Michael Chertoff. He was a pompous misogynist and warmonger who, above all else, loved the sound of his own voice. He palled around with comb-licking goon Paul Wolfowitz, advocated for Bush’s reelection, and clung to his scotch-soaked end that Saddam Hussein possessed WMD. With his undoubtedly elegant prose, Hitch provided more support to Islamophobes than a Lowe’s 2 x 4.

Smoking Gun: “Prison conditions at Abu Ghraib have improved markedly and dramatically since the arrival of Coalition troops in Baghdad.”

Sentence: Remembered accurately.

45) Megyn Kelly

Crimes: Looks so much like she’s about to unhinge her jaw and toss back a few still-squealing rats that she lends plausibility to the ravings of David Ickes. Whether terrifying Flyover-Americans with the New Black Panther Party, or demonizing UC-Davis protesters, Kelly’s venom is designated solely for those outside of her income bracket and race. Decries “the welfare state,” yet thinks the U.S. government should mandate paid maternity leave — because it could potentially one day affect her personally. Her entire “news” career is based on exploiting the same myopic selfishness of Fox’s demographic of old white idiots who want to have sex with her.

Smoking Gun: “[Pepper spray's] a food product, essentially.”

Sentence: All meals prepared by Lt. John Pike.

41) Sarah Palin

Crimes: Will not go away. So desperate for attention that she mounted the “One Nation” media circus bus tour/family vacation, trolling the press and stalking Republican candidates from state to state. Owes her entire rise to national prominence to the fact that Weekly Standard schmuck Bill Kristol met her on an Alaskan cruise and wanted to bang her. A quitter clinging to the last threads of relevance, Palin’s greatest contribution to society last year was to organize a protest against Barack Obama’s “Road to Ruin” that suggested people drive to their local highways and pull off onto the shoulder…for some reason.

Smoking Gun: “He who warned uh, the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh by ringing those bells, and um, makin’ sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be sure and we were going to be free, and we were going to be armed.”

Sentence: Tapped by Romney for VP, inevitable loss, conciliatory hunting trip, tongue bitten off by wolves.

32) Herman Cain

Crimes: The first ever book tour to run for president, the “black walnut” demonstrated beyond any reasonable doubt that he’s incompetent at absolutely everything save for Islamophobia, lobbying on behalf of the disgusting pizza/lung cancer industry, counting to the number 9, ripping off Pokémon, and sexually harassing scores of women who are the approximate height of his wife — whose ignorance of his infidelity he pointed to as proof of his innocence. Blamed the poor for being poor while ostensibly running against the failed economic policies that made them poor.

Smoking Gun: “If you don’t have a job and you are not rich, blame yourself!”

Sentence: President of Uzbecki-becki-becki-stan-stan.

27) Paul Ryan

Crimes: Like some free-market wunderkind born of Ayn Rand’s ass, and raised in a Heritage Foundation Skinner Box, Ryan’s subservience to wealth and contempt for society is prodigious. The Wisconsin Congressman’s an utter charlatan — yesterday’s Wall Street bailout cheerleader posing as today’s “fiscally responsible adult” — whose mission to destroy the middle class is so brazen that it gives kleptocracy a bad name. I mean, when Newt Gingrich denounces you for “right-wing social engineering,” you know you’ve gone too far.

Smoking Gun: “The reason I got involved in public service, by and large, if I had to credit one thinker, one person, it would be Ayn Rand.”

Sentence: Follows Roadmap to America’s Future, turns right at Path to Prosperity, falls off cliff, breaks legs.

26) Rick Santorum

Crimes: So far in the closet, he’s standing next to your dad’s stack of vintage Playboys. Seriously. Not only does this guy conflate homosexuality with bestiality, he thinks all sex is sin unless it’s procreative. A longtime fan of watching scantily clad brutes engage in sweaty, choreographed battle (he actually lobbied for the WWF, blocking steroid screening because pro wrestling’s not a real sport), Santorum’s politics is pure kayfabe where he plays the good sweater-vested God Boy whose duty is to wrestle evil in all its secular incarnations. In reality, however, he’s a shit-stain of biblical proportions who’s guilty of cronyism, defrauding his constituents, screwing over veterans, and defending sexually abusive priests.

Smoking Gun: “As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. It’s being drawn to Iraq. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don’t want the eye to come back to the United States.” (OK, that’s from 2006, but it’s a classic)

Sentence: The Blah Plague.

25) Ayn Rand

Crimes: Despite being a long-dead idiot, Rand continues to exert a mystifying control over the minds of America’s Social Darwinist dolts with her misanthropic “philosophy” of unbridled greed. Selling more copies than any other ridiculous tome, save for the Bible, Rand’s ode to tautological soap opera dialogue Atlas Shrugged still plagues the nation’s pseudo-intellectual consciousness in our theaters and on our campuses. As is so often the case with the libertarian occultists, she was an incorrigible hypocrite who collected Medicare and Social Security.  And, as a woman who said that a woman should never be president, I think it’s safe to say she was a total bitch.

Smoking Gun: Her favorite television program was “Charlie’s Angels.”

Sentence: Dug up, bones put on eBay; bidding war between Ron Paul, Paul Ryan, and Penn Jillette; proceeds used to lift dozens out of poverty.

23) Ron Paul

Crimes: More free market Muppet than man, Paul’s libertarianism is a deeply schizophrenic ideology wherein personal freedom trumps everything — especially personal freedom. Whether it’s regulating women’s uteri under the pretense of “state’s rights,” defending sexual harassers, or hypothetically voting against the Civil Rights Act, Paul’s positions display bewildering lack of intellectual coherence. Most grating (aside from his horrifically racist and homophobic eponymous newsletter, or that he’s a doctor who doesn’t understand evolution), he’s managed to posture as an economic populist, despite the fact that his Randroid quest to eliminate government is the stuff of which oligarchies are made. But he would, like, totally legalize weed, dude.

Smoking Gun: “The notion of a rigid separation between church and state has no basis in either the text of the Constitution or the writings of our Founding Fathers.”

Sentence: Separated indefinitely from “The Precious.”

21) Frank Miller

Crimes: The Stephenie Meyer of comic books, Miller has all the literary & political depth of a masturbating squirrel. His rampant Islamophobia and puerile fantasies of female gangs clad in thigh-high leather stilettos notwithstanding, Frank’s finally disabused the very thin notion that he’s not, in fact, a total retard. In a post on his Web site, he bravely defended — just like Batman would — the valiant oligarch-class from the villainous scourge of OWS by reminding us that 9/11 happened. And just when we’d all totally forgotten about it.

Aggravating Factor: “These [OWS] clowns can do nothing but harm America.”

Sentence: Dialogue inker for Dan Clowes.

18) Rick Scott

Crimes: A vampiric parasite, rivaled only by Creed for the loudest sucking sound to ever come out of Florida, Scott made his private health care fortune by bribing doctors, stealing billions from Medicare, closing hospitals, shilling homeopathic snake oil — and viciously attacking any reform that would cut into his mostly uninsured customer base. As the Tea Party-backed anti-stimulus candidate for governor, a company he partially owns collected $60 million in stimulus funds. He personally spent $73 million barely becoming governor, and then refused millions in federal health care money, so that many Floridians would still patronize his criminally awful Solantic walk-in clinics. Paid lip service to “small government” ideals while trying to mandate expensive Big Brother drug tests for welfare recipients and state employees. The consummate Koch fiend, Scott’s MO is to cry poverty, and sell off state prisons, schools, bridges, roads, etc. to the highest bidder. He’s so despised in Florida that his endorsement would’ve tarnished even the reputation of American Caligula Newt Gingrich.

Smoking Gun: “I’ve got a quote in my office: ‘First they came for the Jews, and I wasn’t a Jew so I didn’t say anything…’ We shouldn’t be allowing candidates to attack people in business, we should be saying… ‘That’s us.’”

Sentence: Scott experiences a dull ache in his leg while campaigning for reelection at a Kissimmee Wal-Mart in 2014. He visits the conveniently located in-store Solantic clinic which misdiagnoses his deep vein thrombosis as a sprain. Three days later, as he addresses a convention of gourmet mushroom growers, the blood clot reaches his lung mid-sentence and he collapses on the floor. His final words are: “I like the taste of shiit–”

17) Jerry Sandusky

Crimes: Has been inside more kids than have Happy Meals. Used his Second Mile charity to lure dozens of children into showers, where, in a dadaesque call to Bob Costas on “Rock Center with Brian Williams,” he admitted to touching them. When asked pointblank by Costos if he’s sexually attracted to children, his stalling echolalia about ‘enjoying’ children made Michael Jackson’s denials seem plausible in retrospect.

Known Accomplices: Penn State faculty, Joe Pa et al, whose systemic cover-up is rivaled only by the Catholic Church.

Smoking Gun: The title of his autobiography is Touched.

Sentence: Repeatedly raped by cellmate.

13) Rick Perry

Crimes: He’s such a stammering cretin that he makes George W. Bush sound like a Rhodes Scholar. A deluded Christian who hates women and science unless there’s a paycheck from Merck involved. Proving once again that everything’s bigger in Texas, Governor Goodhair’s impudent corruption is unbound by the “small government” rhetoric he espouses. From an auto magnate who donated $400K and got a $25 million a year subsidy to a poultry seller who gave $165K and landed a $500K grant, Perry’s major donor list reads like the state welfare rolls. In an attempt to ingratiate himself to the retarded Republican base, Perry’s ultimately comedic presidential bid began with a massive “day of fasting and prayer,” in which he enlisted the help of American Family Association hatemonger Bryan Fischer to ask God to save America from an abortion-based atheist economy. Or whatever.

Smoking Gun: “[G]ays can serve openly in the military but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.”

Sentence: Loses hair from radiation poisoning, ravaged by a troop of foxes, and…I forget the third thing.

10) Lamar Smith

Crimes: Normally concerned with protecting Texans from the evils of melanin and marijuana, the congressman outdid himself this year by introducing the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) — the bill that would enable the feds to censor any website merely accused of copyright infringement. With staffers who moonlight as intellectual property rights lobbyists, Smith has pushed bad web legislation before. For example, his innocuously titled Protecting Children from Internet Pornographers Act of 2011 proposes that all internet users be surveilled, again, merely for being suspected of virtual-pedophilia. Yes, that means you, 4chan.

Smoking Gun: The background image of Smith’s campaign website is a copyright violation.

Sentence: While singing Time-Warner’s copyrighted “Happy Birthday to You” at a family party, he has a stroke and falls into the cake.

2) Rupert Murdoch

Crimes: Who’d have thought that a country founded as a prison, and inhabited by the world’s deadliest snakes, could produce such venomous turpitude? News Corp.’s phone-hacking scandal, wherein their Brit tabloids snooped the voice mail of celebs, royals, relatives of terrorism victims, and a missing girl (also erasing her messages and giving her family false hope that she was still alive), can safely be counted among Murdoch’s least offenses as the modern-day William Randolph Hearst. In fact, it’s probably the closest thing resembling journalism his media empire’s done in some time. Back in ’03 a Florida court unanimously ruled that FOX News has the legal right to lie, and, as evidenced by the profound ignorance of its viewership, they’ve since made Goebbels seem a small-time fibber  – beating the drums for war, reporting innuendo and racist opinion as fact, and subverting public understanding on every basic issue from Obama’s citizenship to man-made global warming. Fox News is no longer a propaganda arm for the Republican party; it’s the brain, fanning the flames of extremism, and exploiting white middle class prejudice to the point of economic cannibalism. And he’s ultimately responsible for subjecting you to the intolerable smarminess of Piers Morgan.

Smoking Gun: “I do not accept ultimate responsibility.”

Sentence: Deported to the moon for show trial, denied clemency by Moon Governor Newt Gingrich.

(click to show/hide)

1) David (and Charles) Koch

Crimes: Heirs to a fortune created largely by their John-Birch-crazy father’s oil deals with Stalin, the putrid fruit didn’t fall far from the hypocritical tree. The billionaire Kochs are still profiting from business with America’s enemies in Iran and, as the Tea Party’s sugar daddies, spending big to trump reason at home. Their cash and ideology can be found lurking behind nearly every “free market” think tank, anti-labor front group, global warming-denying sophist, and malfeasant politician hellbent on making the rich richer at the expense of everyone else. Perhaps the most sinister Koch-bankrolled endeavor is the American Legislative Exchange Council. As mentioned above, ALEC drafts corporate-approved legislation for state representatives to introduce as their own. These model bills primarily focus on union busting, instituting discriminatory voter ID, and privatizing every state institution imaginable. There’s a multi-front war being waged on the middle class in which these guys are the generals. And in a fitting tribute to the disingenuous gods of irony, Koch scaremongering over socialism and wealth redistribution is subsidized in part by the American taxpayer.

Smoking Gun: “If I called up a senator or a congressman to discuss something with them, and they heard ‘David Koch is on the line,’ they’d immediately say, ‘That’s that fraud again — tell him to get lost!’”

Sentence: The plot of that Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd movie Trading Places.

[clockworkgirl21]

Christopher Hitchens hit on both misogyny and misandry pretty hard: Men can't raise children as well as women so they should have to work to support his wife and the kid. The wife can works if she wants to, but she doesn't have to. That's pretty much what he said.

Sentence: Loses hair from radiation poisoning, ravaged by a troop of foxes, and…I forget the third thing.

I'm a huge fan of this ad. I mean, come on. It destroyed him.

[Captain Jack Harkness]

Looks like he takes no prisoners with that list.  Both sides of the aisle are slammed.

[Rabbit of Caerbannog]

Christopher Hitchens hit on both misogyny and misandry pretty hard: Men can't raise children as well as women so they should have to work to support his wife and the kid. The wife can works if she wants to, but she doesn't have to. That's pretty much what he said.

Sentence: Loses hair from radiation poisoning, ravaged by a troop of foxes, and…I forget the third thing.

I'm a huge fan of this ad. I mean, come on. It destroyed him.

I loved Christopher Hitchens, but he was kind of sexist I have to say, as detailed by this article:

So far, most of the eulogies of Christopher have come from men, and there’s a reason for that. He moved in a masculine world, and for someone who prided himself on his wide-ranging interests, he had virtually no interest in women’s writing or women’s lives or perspectives. I never got the impression from anything he wrote about women that he had bothered to do the most basic kinds of reading and thinking, let alone interviewing or reporting—the sort of workup he would do before writing about, say, G.K. Chesterton, or Scientology or Kurdistan. It all came off the top of his head, or the depths of his id. Women aren’t funny. Women shouldn’t need to/want to/get to have a job. The Dixie Chicks were “fucking fat slags” (not “sluts,” as he misremembered later). And then of course there was his 1989 column in which he attacked legal abortion and his cartoon version of feminism as “possessive individualism.” I don’t suppose I ever really forgave Christopher for that.

[Aqualung]

Hah, I'm surprised Tim Tebow was only #47.

33) Dr. Drew Pinsky
Crimes: Is to mental health what Charles Ponzi was to business. A leech on the underbelly of celebrity culture, Pinsky’s built a media franchise on parading reality TV freaks, addicts, and exhibitionists before a nation of insatiable voyeurs under the very thin guise of helping them. A narcissistic prig who thinks he can diagnose people he’s never met, and pay people to enter rehab, Pinsky’s are the offerings of a judgmental prude who shills unethical quackery rather than providing sound psychological assessments.
Smoking Gun: Defended Casey Anthony because she said she was molested.
Sentence: Krokodil addiction, treated by Dr. Phil.

Oh good, someone finally called him out. I sometimes listen to Loveline, and it bugs me when he says if a female caller has a "little girl" voice it means she MUST have been sexually abused as a child (?!), or if someone has no sex drive it means something's wrong with them, not that they might just be asexual.

[deadpandoubter]

I can't hate Dr. Drew too much. He gave me and my roommate our "SHE WANTS TO STEAL MY PENIS" in-joke.

[Meshakhad]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't this list for non-fictional Americans?

[DrFishcake]

No spoilers here, but the very first sentence of his bio on Bachshit Insane (and really, it's not a spoiler to say she wa on the list, since that was the biggest of inevitabilities) made me fall off the edge of my sofa.  (although his "sentence" for her? Not cool.)

[Shane for Wax]

I was not aware Arianna Huffington was American. *glances through bio* okay, so she's a naturalized American.

I agree about Bachmann's sentence. I hate it when people wish cancer on people. I also think Ayn Rand shouldn't entirely count but... eh. Splitting hairs.

John McCain's sentence is way out of line. Way, way out of line.

[Meshakhad]

John McCain's sentence is way out of line. Way, way out of line.

Indeed.

[Rabbit of Caerbannog]

John McCain's sentence is way out of line. Way, way out of line.

The point is that this is what he supported to be done to everyday Americans. Guy's a complete scumbag in every sense of the word. Fuck him.

EDIT: I should add that I don't actually advocate any of these things happening to any of the people mentioned. I don't really support violence against anyone. But the list's purpose is comedy, and I think everything they mentioned was fair game. The only thing I didn't like was calling Laura Ingraham a c*nt.

[Shane for Wax]

You don't tell a veteran who has been documented to be a POW who was tortured that he should be tortured again. That's like telling a rape victim they should get raped.

Also, when I returned to the page in the OP my virus/malware detector went off (It was a trojan). So beware of that.

[Rabbit of Caerbannog]

You don't tell a veteran who has been documented to be a POW who was tortured that he should be tortured again. That's like telling a rape victim they should get raped.

Also, when I returned to the page in the OP my virus/malware detector went off (It was a trojan). So beware of that.

Maybe this torture victim shouldn't be advocating the detainment and torture of other people through the NDAA. Even with his past on the subject, that's unforgivable.

EDIT: And I might actually agree with you if not for McCain being such an openly horrible, racist, homophobic, pandering hypocrite. I mean I read his book years ago, and what happened to him was awful, but I really don't feel too sympathetic toward him all things considered. (Again, not that he should actually be harmed, just defending the joke.)

[TheL]

You don't tell a veteran who has been documented to be a POW who was tortured that he should be tortured again. That's like telling a rape victim they should get raped.

Also, when I returned to the page in the OP my virus/malware detector went off (It was a trojan). So beware of that.

Maybe this torture victim shouldn't be advocating the detainment and torture of other people through the NDAA. Especially with his past on the subject, that's unforgivable.

Fixed.

[Shane for Wax]

I'm not defending him specifically. Just finding offense with the action itself.