Wishes Will Be Corrupted

[ThunderWulf]

Granted, but they cease to exist forever now.

I wish I had more beef jerky.

[rookie]

Granted. It's the tastiest beef jerky imaginable. And each bite gives you another heart attack.

I wish I was allowed to yell at asshole customers.

[dpareja]

Granted. It's the tastiest beef jerky imaginable. And each bite gives you another heart attack.

I wish I was allowed to yell at asshole customers.

Granted. You're allowed to do anything you want, as long as you accept the consequences. In this case, the consequence of yelling at customers is losing your job.

I wish students understood the importance of picking up their marked work and acted on that understanding by actually picking it up.

[ThunderWulf]

Granted, but they're all suing you because they don't like their grades.

I wish that could force myself to actually wrap presents.

[Julian]

Granted, but most of your fingers have dropped off due to leprosy, and you have chronic arthritis in the others. The skin is rubbed to the bone, and you have no friends, so are actually doing this in a shopping centre for donations to eat, and everyone kicks you because you're so slow and inept.

(Yeah, I'm having a fun Monday. First person in the door's probably going to be told to fuck off and come back next year/life.)

I wish that Jesus would've concentrated on healing these diseases, instead of those of ungrateful, self-absorbed fuckwits.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted. The church used its rather potent influence in Latin America to ban all modern agricultural methods of cacao farming, because "Jesus taught us that only faith can heal the cacao plant". As a result, productivity in the global cocoa industry suffers greatly and as a result, all cocoa products are both scarce and expensive.

I wish Christmas didn't exist.

[Julian]

Granted, Jesus was never born, never divided families, cursed fig trees or gave lazy assholes an excuse to ignore Leviticus. It is a mortal sin to eat shellfish and pork, have tattoos, shave your beard, sleep with people outside of your tribe or argue back to your parents or run away when they try to sell you into bondage.

[Edit: And God is still a raging homophobe and misogynist to end all misogynists. Women still have to sacrifice two turtle doves each month to atone for their period of uncleanliness, however are also allowed to line up and kick you in the balls as often as they want during this period.]

I wish the winter solstice would hurry up.

[R. U. Sirius]

Granted. Time passes for you ten times faster than for anything else. You die of old age after living only eight subjective years.

I wish Robert Downey Jr. would make more Sherlock Holmes movies.

[dpareja]

Granted. They all suck.

I wish people wouldn't put animations in their forum signatures. (Seriously, they can lag old computers badly.)

[Julian]

Granted. They're illegal in the next generation internet standard. Lack of protocols cause a series of splits and schisms, until the web collapses in on itself in a series of lock-ups and infinite loops.

(Also Granted, but they're written by Gerry Garcia, produced by Michael Bay and have Keira Knightly as Watson.)

I wish I wasn't quite so sadistic today.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted. In fact, your previous corruption is a testament to this fact. Without Christianity, the nonsense you describe would've never found its way into western civilisation in the first place, and would be confined only to fundamentalist Jews (who admittedly, could theoretically kick me in the balls during that time of the month, however, I don't live in Bondi, so that's no biggie). Essentially, things would be exactly as they are now, only Christianity wouldn't exist (as well as Islam, seeing as that was built on Christian ideals. A nice little bonus if you ask me).

I wish I wasn't sweating so much.

[Julian]

Granted, your pores all seal shut and you have to pant like a dog to lose heat. You get arrested for sexual harrassment travelling on public transport, and the less said about the court case, the better. Your legal aid guy was blind drunk, and you would've been sweating like a pig, but instead salivated all over the female judge. You've been consigned to a high security mental hospital and have your jaw wired shut. All your vital organs are starting to rot.

I wish my corruptions were shorter.

[Julian]

Granted. You die.

I wish I could stop playing with myself.

[R. U. Sirius]

Granted. You stop when you accidentally pull your junk right off your body.

I wish for incredibly awesome archery skills.

[Sigmaleph]

Granted, but you lose your hands.

I wish I had a complete mathematical description of intelligence.