happened yesterday, but whatevs. i went to see the shrink with my mom. she wanted to understand what was misfiring in my brain, and the shrink thought it'd be a good idea. everything went better than expected, since due to my frequent blackouts i couldn't tell the shrink some things that i'd plain forgotten, my mom filled in the blanks. it made her rethink my diagnosis as less severe.
for convenience's sake, i can be called a psychotic. but i'm not that, it's what gets closest to what i am, what with the paranoia and the hallucinations (her biggest tip-off), but the fact that i can differentiate between what's real and what's not means i'm not a textbook delusional psycho. inside me is a battle of repressed aggression tempered with an overdevelopped sense of altruism and overempathy. with no way to let the aggression out, sometimes i black out, my hallucinations acting up is my warning sign.
the shrink plainly said so my mom and i could understand: "you've got psychotic tendencies, you've got antisocial tendencies, schizoid tendencies, an overempathy disorder, chronic depression, and you're frankly borderline. possibly on the autism spectrum. but you're not one over the other. i can't give you a label beyond some kind of idiopathic personnality disorder".
on the plus side, my meds have gone down. the shrink told me to start doing a more active physical activity beyond hiking and bushcraft to blow off steam, hinting at martial arts, and to get a better living rythm. meaning it's back to fixed meals and sleeping a regulation nine hours everyday.
oh, and things might clear up, or they might not. i'm probably stuck seeing things until my dying day, but the depression might lift one day, so might the paranoia. what's probable is that it won't get way worse, maybe even stabilize or disappear in a best case scenario. overall, a very positive session full of good news and hope. goodness knows i need some of that.
