Wishes Will Be Corrupted

[Art Vandelay]

Granted, you're rusty at breathing instead.

I wish I wasn't sick.

[Captain Jack Harkness]

Wish granted.  You're rusty with every other discipline now.  This includes language comprehension and typing.

I wish I was more certain about the future.

[ThunderWulf]

Granted, but you see your own death in the near future.

I wish B-Man hadn't skipped over Art's wish.

[Captain Jack Harkness]

Wish granted.  Art blinks out of existence entirely, and therefore never made a wish to skip over.

I wish I could clone myself and get more done as a result.

[N. De Plume]

Granted. Shortly thereafter, however, each clone decides he is the original you and tries to take charge, resulting in a tremendous amount of in-fighting. Of course, as this fighting is spurred by challenges to your clones’ sense of self, this conflict quickly take a turn for the homicidal.

I wish I did not eat the whole thing.

[Saturn500]

Granted. Your friend ate the whole thing.

I wish I could go to SPAAAAAAAAAAAAACE.

[Captain Jack Harkness]

Wish granted.  You go with a spacesuit, but have no control.  This spacesuit recycles oxygen so you don't die right away.  However, you're stuck hurtling through space in some unknown direction.

I wish I owned a home.

[N. De Plume]

Granted. It is on a swampy, mosquito and tick-ridden flood plain that is about to come due for its hundred year flood.

I wish I could build awesome things in a cave with a box of scraps.

[Saturn500]

Granted, Marvel sues you for plagiarising the Iron Man costume. Since that's the first thing you build.

I wish I could meet Ronald E. Williams in a dark room where nobody would know what happens in there. Also, I would have a flashlight and a chainsword from Warhammer 40K.

[tygerarmy]

Granted, that room is inside a Pokeball after the both of you were captured by Ash.

[Captain Jack Harkness]

Wish granted.  You didn't make a wish, so you must not want anything ever again and die.

I wish I could go on a game show and win.

[Jack Bauer]

Granted - but it is one of those insane Japanese gameshows and, in the act of winning, you are immersed in tropical river water and you get one of those nasty bugs that swims up your urethra and lays eggs in your bladder.  The swelling is impressive, but it makes it way too painful to actually do anything with the affected parts.

I wish I could join the SWGA (Screenwriters' Guild of America) - but you have to make more than 50% of your income from screenwriting to be eligible - but you need to be an SWGA member in order to be employed. Catch 22 much?

[Saturn500]

Granted. Under the new conditions, you only need to saw off your own leg to join.

I wish I had better reflexes.

[Captain Jack Harkness]

Wish granted.  You have great reflexes, but zero hand-eye coordination.

I wish I could travel time at will.

[N. De Plume]

Granted. When using your ability, though, you do not also make the necessary adjustment through space. And as earth is constantly rotating and spinning and the sun and galaxy do as well, that is a big problem.

I wish I had a bag full of combustible lemons.