Take the Pledge, the Millennial Pledge

[Eiki-mun]

• Each year, I will pen at least one thank-you note, using what's left of my cursive writing skills.

Yes, those cursive writing skills... literally the most useless skill to have in today's modern, computerized society. Shall I then practice my horse-riding skills and learn how to properly use the whip to drive my buggy? Or shall I then perhaps practice with my abacus and my typewriter? Or hell, why not get to work fine-tuning my ability with a matchlock?

[Barbarella]

Barb, you basically summed up every "this latest generation is FUCKED, I say!" rant any crotchety old fucker has had ever.

Eeyup! Every generation has good and bad and often the annoying stuff transcends generations.

I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on
the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless
beyond words.
When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of
elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of
restraint.
--- Hesiod, Eighth Century B.C.

• Each year, I will pen at least one thank-you note, using what's left of my cursive writing skills.

Yes, those cursive writing skills... literally the most useless skill to have in today's modern, computerized society. Shall I then practice my horse-riding skills and learn how to properly use the whip to drive my buggy? Or shall I then perhaps practice with my abacus and my typewriter? Or hell, why not get to work fine-tuning my ability with a matchlock?

Yeah. Cursive IMHO is only good for signatures (they're like fingerprints). Plus, I get writer's cramp. I prefer writing by printing, drafter's-style.

[Zygarde]

Hell in a few years the signature thing might be obsolete too since things like biometrics and facial recognition are becoming a thing.

[Art Vandelay]

The ultimate irony is that cursive is essentially born out of laziness. The whole point of it is to not have to take your pen off the paper for every single letter, so you can write much faster once you build up the muscle memory.

[lord gibbon]

Barb, you basically summed up every "this latest generation is FUCKED, I say!" rant any crotchety old fucker has had ever.

Eeyup! Every generation has good and bad and often the annoying stuff transcends generations.

I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on
the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless
beyond words.
When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of
elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of
restraint.
--- Hesiod, Eighth Century B.C.

• Each year, I will pen at least one thank-you note, using what's left of my cursive writing skills.

Yes, those cursive writing skills... literally the most useless skill to have in today's modern, computerized society. Shall I then practice my horse-riding skills and learn how to properly use the whip to drive my buggy? Or shall I then perhaps practice with my abacus and my typewriter? Or hell, why not get to work fine-tuning my ability with a matchlock?

Yeah. Cursive IMHO is only good for signatures (they're like fingerprints). Plus, I get writer's cramp. I prefer writing by printing, drafter's-style.

That Hesiod quote isn't even the oldest one. There's a friggin Sumerian tablet that has those complaints. "Kids these days" seems to be a universal human issue.

[Barbarella]

Barb, you basically summed up every "this latest generation is FUCKED, I say!" rant any crotchety old fucker has had ever.

Eeyup! Every generation has good and bad and often the annoying stuff transcends generations.

I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on
the frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless
beyond words.
When I was a boy, we were taught to be discrete and respectful of
elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise and impatient of
restraint.
--- Hesiod, Eighth Century B.C.

• Each year, I will pen at least one thank-you note, using what's left of my cursive writing skills.

Yes, those cursive writing skills... literally the most useless skill to have in today's modern, computerized society. Shall I then practice my horse-riding skills and learn how to properly use the whip to drive my buggy? Or shall I then perhaps practice with my abacus and my typewriter? Or hell, why not get to work fine-tuning my ability with a matchlock?

Yeah. Cursive IMHO is only good for signatures (they're like fingerprints). Plus, I get writer's cramp. I prefer writing by printing, drafter's-style.

That Hesiod quote isn't even the oldest one. There's a friggin Sumerian tablet that has those complaints. "Kids these days" seems to be a universal human issue.

I was going to mention that tablet at first but I read that it might have been spurious.

[niam2023]

So pretty much a long list of ways for the grumpy old man living by himself to tell "those blasted kids" to "get offa mah lawn!"

[Cloud3514]

• I am entitled to nothing.

Actually, I am entitled to my rights. I am also entitled to the pursuit of happiness, which, incidentally, happens to involve wanting to make an actual living so I can actually contribute to the economy and stand on my own feet, which would be a hell of a lot easy had baby boomers not wrecked the economy and made it next to impossible to find a full-time job without at least two years of experience in any given field.

• I will show up on time.

While I can't say I've never been late to work, I would wager that I have a better attendance record than most.

• I will not shun comedians or college commencement speakers just because I don't agree with them.

Actually, it is my right to "shun" whoever I damn well please, but we both know you're not actually talking about "shunning" people we don't agree with. You're trying, and failing, to call us out for criticizing people and ideas we dislike.

• Just once, I will try driving without texting.

Hahaha. Never have, never will. Great stereotyping, jackass.

• Just once, I will try eating without texting.

Why the fuck do you care what I do with my phone when I'm eating? I'm not hurting anyone by using my phone. Since I eat most of my meals alone, anyway, what would you rather I do? Eat in silence like a machine?

• I will not consider the cilantro on my taco to be a vegetable.

Cilantro is fucking gross, but regardless, my eating habits are none of your fucking business.

• I will learn to laugh at everything, especially myself.

This appears to be calling millenials easily offended. Yeah, sorry, I don't find being a douchebag to be funny. Doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor, it means I have standards.

• When meeting someone for the first time, I will always look him or her in the eye.

Wow, you're a condescending prick.

• I will not burn bridges.

Yeah, if you've been abused as an employee for 9 months, I don't think it's you that burns the bridge.

• I will not burn overpasses.

See, I don't find this funny, not due to a lack of a sense of humor, but rather because this isn't funny.

• Each year, I will pen at least one thank-you note, using what's left of my cursive writing skills.

Cursive is an outdated, pointless skill to have considering that 90% of writing is done on a keyboard, so no, I will not because there is literally no reason to.

• I will be resourceful, creative and authentic.

Without context, this means absolutely nothing.

• I will vote. Always.

Voting is important, but a refusal to vote isn't necessarily out of laziness. What about people working multiple jobs and literally don't have the time to go out to vote? What about people who abstain from voting because they object to all of the candidates?

• I will (mostly) swear off smut.

• I will not be smut.

What the fuck does this have to do with anything?

• I will learn all my siblings' names (even the younger ones).

This is not a real issue. This is just you being a condescending prick.

• I will not spend an entire weekend exploring my own mouth with a coffee straw.

Where the fuck did you find this stereotype?

• I will learn to pick my battles.

Yes, how dare I stand up for what I believe in.

• When I don't get my way, I will learn to roll with it.

Ah, yes, the stereotype that we throw tantrums at everything. Calling out injustice isn't throwing a tantrum, asshole.

• I will not go on a job interview in shorts and flip-flops, even if "this job is so beneath me."

• Nothing is beneath me.

No, nothing is “beneath me,” but there are things I am not suited for. If a job causes me serious anxiety to the point where I am literally incapable for being professional at that job, it doesn't mean that it's beneath me, it means that I am a bad fit for the job. Furthermore, it is not treating a job as “beneath me” if I expect to be treated as a human fucking being and not a robot.

• When I finally move out of my parents' home, I will not take all their vodka and half their towels.

Yes, because it makes so much sense to leave everything behind and spend money on necessities like towels when moving out is FUCKING EXPENSIVE and minimizing expenses is a good idea.

As for the vodka: Yeah, fair point there, but it doesn't change how condescending you are.

• I promise not to misuse the word "literally." As in "I am literally dying of hunger" or "You are literally being so rude."

Hate to break it to you, but words change over time. As much as I hate how people use “literally” to exaggerate, it doesn't change the fact that that misuse is the result of evolving language.

• If my first-born is a boy, I promise not to name him Uber.

Anyone got an explanation for this one?

• When I finally move out of my parents' home, I will not take all their vodka and half their towels.

And to show how unprofessional this article is, here's a literal (hey look, I DO know what that word means) repeat.

• I will not use crowd-funding to pay for my first car.

Bought every car I've owned out of pocket. As for why I've never financed a car like you want me to, that's a matter of:

1) I can't afford it.
2) Even if I could, I don't have credit and I don't make enough money to establish credit.

• If I can't afford car insurance, I won't spend $20 a day on coffee.

If I can't afford car insurance, it's because I can't get out of the dead end job that I'm stuck working because I can't get a decent job without experience and I can't get experience without a decent job

• I won't give only gift cards for Christmas.

Gift cards may be impersonal, but at the same time, I spent 15 years living halfway across the country from my family. I wish I had a closer relationship with my nephews and knew what to get them for Christmas. Gift cards at least show that I acknowledge their existence.

• I won't sneak texts during funerals even if it's "totally boring and the dead guy is just lying there anyway."

Wow, fuck you, you condescending prick.

• At holiday dinners, I will leave my phone in my room.

Again, fuck you, you condescending prick.

• All those T-shirts? I will wash them.

Laundry at my old apartment cost me up to $10 a week. When I was making $600 a month. You ever been so fucking poor that you literally can't afford laundry and have to take your laundry to your parents' house or you have to skip meals? Yeah, didn't think so.

• I will not use pepper spray to season a burrito.

My eating habits are none of your fucking business.

• I will not run up my credit cards.

You mean the credit cards I can't get because I don't have credit and can't get credit because I don't make enough money?

• I will save 10% of everything I earn.

And if I have to choose between paying rent and saving money? Or if I make such shitty money that 10% is less than $50?

• If I hate my new job, I will not fake my own death. I will give a full two weeks' notice like grown-ups usually do.

• I will force myself to finally make a phone call.

How I communicate with others is none of your fucking business.

• In high school or college, I will get a part-time job. Even if it's beneath me.

To the generation that probably has the highest rate of college students doing part time or full time work.

• Again, nothing is beneath me.

Repeating it doesn't make theis stereotype any less bullshit.

• Well, most things are not beneath me.

Hypocrite.

• I promise not to text anything of life-changing significance: a marriage proposal, a divorce decree, a positive result.

How I communicate with others is none of your goddamn business.

• When I get my way, I will be grateful and not assume that I will always get my way.

I have no words to describe how fucking stupid this statement is.

• I will always remember Aristotle's quote: "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

To what is probably the most open-minded generation.

• At least once a week, I will hug my mom the way I hug my friends every single time I see them.

How I conduct myself is none of your fucking business.

• I will do nice things just because.

Coming from the guy saying that we shouldn't criticize assholes.

• I will live each day.

Oh look, a meaningless statement of making the most out of life.

• I will sleep each night.

You've clearly never had stress induced insomnia.

• I am entitled to nothing but that.

I am entitled to my rights as a human being. I am also entitled to the pursuit of happiness, which happens to include wanting a job that treats me like a human being and can make fucking living.

In short, this has practically no good advice and what little good advice it has is delivered in an extremely condescending way that it undermines any legitimate point he might have had.

[Vypernight]

Can we make the texting and driving one apply also to adults?

[guizonde]

• I will not use pepper spray to season a burrito.

one of these things is not like the others. either i lack context, or someone took my idea for a prank litterally.

[Zygarde]

I just figured he said that to be   Tongue-in-cheek that or a really dumb Chemistry joke since pepper spray and hot sauce have the same chemical, capsicum to make them hot.

[guizonde]

I just figured he said that to be   Tongue-in-cheek that or a really dumb Chemistry joke since pepper spray and hot sauce have the same chemical, capsicum to make them hot.

yeah, thus my prank idea, although i'm not sure pepper spray is meant to be ingested (on purpose, at least). i've personally never been sprayed, although a friend of mine swears by the stuff to get rid of sinusitis. when i asked why, he simply said that japan calls on godzilla to get rid of monsters.

[Zygarde]

Cant that stuff make you bleed out  your sinus?

[guizonde]

Cant that stuff make you bleed out  your sinus?

sorry, i had a derp. my friend got tear-gassed twice, not maced. for a minute i thought it was the same thing. close enough, chemically, but the method differs, and the quantity differs substantially.

[rookie]

Why do I get the feeling this was written by some Berkeley hippie who went there on Dad and Mom's dime? By someone who "turned on, tuned in, and dropped off". By someone who examplified the Me Generation. I'll bet that people tried to put him down just because he got around.