Im feeling a bit maudlin tonight. Can't sleep. Sitting here in bed with my laptop on the tray/cart/table my nephew set up for me so I can still work. Im writing a play for his wife's summer drama camp.
Today I felt very sad, but for the first time I think Im OK with being sad. Its not a tragic sad, but a quiet sad. Watching my wife sleep, watching her chest rise and fall softly, listening to her occasional soft snore, I can see her as I always do in my mind and memory, without the little creases of worry that seem to have set up residence in her eyes when she is awake. She pretends I can't see them, and I pretend that she isnt pretending I cant see them, but I do. I will miss her more than she can ever imagine. I will wait for her wherever I wind up. Valhalla, Heaven, Nirvana, Elysium, I don't care. If will one day look up and see her coming towards me like she did when I first saw her so many years ago then it wont matter what the place is called. It will be Heaven.
There's an awful movie starring Robin Williams based on a pretty good story by Matheson called "What Dreams May Come." In it, the main characters decide to be reborn and "find each other all over again" in the world of the living. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I wouldnt do that. I would never let her go. It took me three decades to find her this time. Not risking it taking that long again. I am not me without her. Why would I deliberately cut myself in half?
Oh, Lord, I am maudlin tonight. My apologies, and I thank those who take the time to read the ramblings of an old man who is really just writing to himself, I think. To be honest I am having some trouble with my thoughts. I was going to mention specific people I have come to know here at FSTDT, but I just cant seem to be able to put my impressions to names. I guess theres nothing I can say people dont already know anyway.
I am tired. Very tired. In a few minutes I will take one of the ambien they gave me. Wondeful stuff, really, but a little alarming at how effective it is. I will be quite put out if I find out they are just sugar pills and Im putting myself to sleep. One last thing before I go tonight, though. I have been listening to a lot of music lately. Its easier than reading.
Someday, maybe someday soon I will suddenly stop posting. When that happens, listen to this song and spare a thought for me. Luckily I found a copy on Youtube. Isnt the web wonderful?