Well, I'm a fucking moron. I've been trying to force down a cup of black instant coffee and lamenting my lack of milk (the only time I'd ever use it is on the rare occasion I drink coffee, so I can't justify buying a carton of even long life milk) and sugar for the last half hour before realising I have a can of whipped cream in the fridge. I know it's not nearly as good as full cream milk, but it at least makes the stuff halfway drinkable. Why the fuck did I take so long to think of it?!