Things That Annoy You

[guizonde]

i jsut shaved my beard off because i had to for work. this blows donkey balls. i hate my face without some fuzziness.

[mellenORL]

That sucks. Unless you are working directly with customers, most food related and restaurant jobs worldwide will allow you to work if you wear a beard cover.

[Random Gal]

I've been trying to get together with someone I met on another forum after learning we both lived in the same area.

After working around numerous scheduling issues, we finally decided on a day and a place to meet. Specifically, that was yesterday and we decided on today. But then when I tried to set up a time, she said she'd have to check some things and would get back to me later in the day. I waited all day until it was after 10 pm, but she sent nothing. At that point, I sent her the hours of when the place would be open and suggested early afternoon. No response. So I sent another message at 9 this morning asking if 1:00 would work. Still no response.

What is she doing, and what am I supposed to do now? I don't want to keep sending messages since that might be interpreted as annoying or creepy, but I still need a time and she is either unable or unwilling to provide one.

[mellenORL]

She's changed her mind, sounds like. Maybe send a simple text like, "If I made you feel uncomfortable about meeting, please accept my apologies. If you've simply changed your mind, I accept that. I am a bit disappointed, but I understand; it's the world we live in."

[Random Gal]

She's changed her mind, sounds like. Maybe send a simple text like, "If I made you feel uncomfortable about meeting, please accept my apologies. If you've simply changed your mind, I accept that. I am a bit disappointed, but I understand; it's the world we live in."

Except we've been actively trying to get together for over a week; I don't understand why it would suddenly change now.

If I still don't receive an answer within the next half hour, though, I'll send her what you posted.

[Random Gal]

Well, I tried calling her when messages failed; her phone was clearly on as it rang several times with no answer. So apparently she is actively ignoring me for some reason, though I can't imagine why. Everything we discussed was either about setting up RPG characters or getting around scheduling issues; I never once said anything creepy or suggestive.

I did send the message suggested above; it too failed to produce any response.

So this is as good a time as any to bring this up. Every time I have tried to start a relationship within the last four years, it either fails to even start or lasts only a few days before ending abruptly. Twice now I have been told that I was doing things that scared people. Up until now, I thought I was simply moving too fast and that I should slow down, or discuss boundaries at the start of the relationship before trying anything.

But now I know I was wrong and something else is involved. I didn't move any faster than most other people I've observed in relationships, and if anything I'm actually slower. And since I never even brought up anything to suggest I wanted to start something here (which I still was going to hold off on doing until after I'd gotten to know her properly first), the only thing I can think of is that I'm somehow unconsciously giving off some kind of bad signals to people, and in a way that has nothing to do with body language or nonverbal signals either since people can apparently perceive them without meeting me in person. I have no idea why this is happening or how to turn it off. Does anyone have any ideas on what I could do?

Also, the only common element in all these scenarios is me, so it can't really be anything besides some personal flaw of mine.

[Sleepy]

It's hard to tell without reading your conversations to see if there was something else going on that spooked her (not that I'm asking you to show us), but this is pretty common when it comes to meetups with online folks. It's easy to feel nervous about it and the simple solution is to just "ghost" the person so you don't have to deal with it. Was it always you starting the conversations? Did you often try to continue them when she didn't respond? Anything like that?

[Random Gal]

Well, the whole thing started with me noticing we lived in the same area and since the forum was largely based around a common interest in tabletop RPGs, I asked her if she'd like to get involved in some local gaming groups. She agreed, and I gave her my contact info. I located a D&D campaign that was recruiting players, and mentioned it to her. I asked her if she'd like to join in. she said yes and asked me to repeat my contact info. I did, and she then texted me. We discussed character options, and she seemed really eager to start. She even thanked me for reaching out to her during that conversation.

As it turned out, the game was incompatible with her current work schedule. I informed her of this and apologized, while saying the timeframe was still flexible and asked if she'd just like to hang out at some point the next week. She agreed and we discussed schedules. I sent what I knew, while promising an update after I got the full schedule and then she sent hers to me after she had found out hers.

Yesterday, I finally got information on what I would be doing on her days off, so I sent it and asked if she'd like to do something today. She agreed, I suggested visiting the local museum where I was volunteering (a public location with a lot of people, so as to avoid anything potentially risky), which seemed good to her. I then asked what the best time would be. She responded by saying she'd check the local mass transit schedules and get back to me later in the day. That was the last I heard from her.

Any warning signs here?

[Ironchew]

Well, the whole thing started with me noticing we lived in the same area and since the forum was largely based around a common interest in tabletop RPGs, I asked her if she'd like to get involved in some local gaming groups. She agreed, and I gave her my contact info. I located a D&D campaign that was recruiting players, and mentioned it to her. I asked her if she'd like to join in. she said yes and asked me to repeat my contact info. I did, and she then texted me. We discussed character options, and she seemed really eager to start. She even thanked me for reaching out to her during that conversation.

As it turned out, the game was incompatible with her current work schedule. I informed her of this and apologized, while saying the timeframe was still flexible and asked if she'd just like to hang out at some point the next week. She agreed and we discussed schedules. I sent what I knew, while promising an update after I got the full schedule and then she sent hers to me after she had found out hers.

Yesterday, I finally got information on what I would be doing on her days off, so I sent it and asked if she'd like to do something today. She agreed, I suggested visiting the local museum where I was volunteering (a public location with a lot of people, so as to avoid anything potentially risky), which seemed good to her. I then asked what the best time would be. She responded by saying she'd check the local mass transit schedules and get back to me later in the day. That was the last I heard from her.

Any warning signs here?

Possible point of etiquette to make here: encourage her to bring friends next time. That way she doesn't feel like she's walking into a potentially dangerous situation alone.

[Random Gal]

Well, the whole thing started with me noticing we lived in the same area and since the forum was largely based around a common interest in tabletop RPGs, I asked her if she'd like to get involved in some local gaming groups. She agreed, and I gave her my contact info. I located a D&D campaign that was recruiting players, and mentioned it to her. I asked her if she'd like to join in. she said yes and asked me to repeat my contact info. I did, and she then texted me. We discussed character options, and she seemed really eager to start. She even thanked me for reaching out to her during that conversation.

As it turned out, the game was incompatible with her current work schedule. I informed her of this and apologized, while saying the timeframe was still flexible and asked if she'd just like to hang out at some point the next week. She agreed and we discussed schedules. I sent what I knew, while promising an update after I got the full schedule and then she sent hers to me after she had found out hers.

Yesterday, I finally got information on what I would be doing on her days off, so I sent it and asked if she'd like to do something today. She agreed, I suggested visiting the local museum where I was volunteering (a public location with a lot of people, so as to avoid anything potentially risky), which seemed good to her. I then asked what the best time would be. She responded by saying she'd check the local mass transit schedules and get back to me later in the day. That was the last I heard from her.

Any warning signs here?

Possible point of etiquette to make here: encourage her to bring friends next time. That way she doesn't feel like she's walking into a potentially dangerous situation alone.

"Next time?" How is there ever going to be a "next time" when I've apparently alienated this person before we even met?

And all because I tried to set up a time to meet together?

So I've violated a bunch of society's unwritten rules three times already and still don't know what it is about me that's causing it. There's no way this can be a random pattern. Other people get involved in relationships that last for years and they often start them by doing things a lot more sketchy than anything I've done. Obviously, it's not that I'm moving too fast or making stupid mistakes; it's some inherent aspect of my personality that must be to blame. What is wrong with me? Why are people scared of me when I haven't even done anything? How can one of my friends kiss someone he's known for only a few days and make her his girlfriend afterward while I get a "you're dead to me" silence just for asking someone to hang out with me as a platonic friend?

I'll point out that I did ask about the previous two cases on here before. I got a small amount of advice the first time, and the second time, nobody responded to my posts on the subject because they were too busy getting into a petty argument over some "Young Marines" thing that happened to show up on the same thread at the same time.

[Sleepy]

She could have been startled when you asked if the two of you wanted to hang out. I know you asking doesn't automatically make it a date, but some girls have to assume it does because they've been pressured by so many guys throughout their lives. So she may've been leery because of that, not wanting to potentially start a relationship. She could also just have a lot of stress in her life right now and doesn't want to deal with a meetup at the moment, because let's face it, meetups can be stressful for introverts.

Your "first time" link is broken for me. Your "second time" link - the girl sounds like she may have been inexperienced in romantic pursuits, so doing too much too fast could have bothered her. I had similar reactions when I started doing stuff like that. It's just an awkward thing to get into, for some people. It could've also been something in particular you did, I can't say for sure. Did your hands wander? Did you say things during the makeout session? Saying inappropriate stuff or telling them "I love you" too early can really kill things.

[Random Gal]

OK, I fixed the broken link.

I did finally receive a response. She apparently did attempt to get there, but it was rather far away and she couldn't make it, and things fell through. I asked if there was something closer to her location that we could do and she said she'd come up with something for her next day off, which is Thursday. I suppose I could have asked where she lived or offered to give her a ride myself, but I had been avoiding either of those since they both would sound really sketchy.

So for now it would seem best to stay quiet and let her make the next move.

You are correct about the second time. That was actually her first relationship. As for what we did, I did not try feeling her up; we just kissed really passionately. I initiated it, but she not only responded in kind; I think she was the one who took it further than I'd intended. I didn't really say much during that, and after what happened the previous time I certainly wasn't going to say "I love you."

And finally...there is an aspect I've been avoiding ever since the first time that may be relevant. Both the first one and the one I'm currently trying to meet with are transgender. It's possible there may be a connection. I had generally been discounting this for two reasons. First, before this string of bad luck, I had dated another trans woman for seven months without any problems. Second, when I have asked for any specific advice, I have usually been given some variation on "trans women are women, it's best to treat one like any other woman." As such, I have tried to take that statement to heart and have not been factoring cis/trans identity into the approaches I've been using.

[nickiknack]

Family(Sister, Brother in law, and brother) came over today to visit, so it's let's bad mouth Millennials as being "Lazy" time.

[Sleepy]

@Random Guy - I don't think a person's cis/trans identity should cause you to treat them differently, but I suppose it could be one aspect to take into account here. Obviously I can't speak for trans folk, but given the abuse they face, I would imagine that in some situations they have to be more diligent when it comes to choosing the people they befriend. I'd prefer to have folks with more knowledge shed light on that topic, though.

As for your first link - the first issue described is on you, unfortunately. The early "I love you" really does carry a creepy stalker tone and can push someone away from you just as easily. I'm not trying to sound like a dick about it since you seem to acknowledge this now, but I would keep that in mind next time you want to use it. It's for conveying deep love, not saying "Hey, you're a really cool person." Saying it too early makes it sound like you're overly obsessed with the person, or extremely uninhibited.

The second issue in that link was a really shitty situation overall. The staff probably didn't know the best way to respond - either listen to the person who says he was hit, or ignore him and potentially have things escalate even further. Obviously that's unfair to you, and the guy is an asshole for lying about it. But it's difficult to think of another solution for the situation, given that it was your word versus his.

So I guess overall I'm not seeing a common factor that explains all your recent relationship troubles.

[Ironchew]

The Pope. Just about everything the Pope says and especially the mad scramble of the press to quote him out of context to make him look like Change You Can Believe In™. He's an archconservative asshole with enough power to perpetuate the horrible crimes the Roman Catholic Church is involved in around the world.

I can't put it better than PZ, honestly:

It’s been a week of unstinting praise for the parasitic head of a criminal organization that promotes lies and superstition, and I have been disgusted every time a journalist swoons over the fact that Pope Francis smiled or patted some little boy on the head.

The Pope is not your friend. He’s the Kool-Aid with the cloying sweet taste to mask the poison.