Vending Machine

[Ghoti]

You get a fat guy whining about how his hand doesn't fit.

I insert Joss Whedon.

[Art Vandelay]

You get a legion of raving fanboys.

I insert a bottle of sunscreen.

[Feral Dog]

UV-radiation induced skin cancer vanishes from the universe.

I insert an obscure fandom.

[Ghoti]

You get a bunch of ruined hipster posts on Tumblr.

I insert a tattoo of someone's genitals.

[Random Gal]

You get a guy with alcohol-induced amnesia wondering where he got said tattoo.

I insert my upcoming calculus exam.

[Ghoti]

You get an A++!

I insert the blood of a virgin.

[Random Gal]

You receive an analysis of the blood sample. It contains a higher-than-normal concentration of fat and caffeine, derived mostly from Cheetos and Mountain Dew.

(you never specified the virgin's sex.)

I insert Ted Cruz.

[Feral Dog]

You get Tom Cruise and a bunch of angry voters.

I insert Dr. Evil.

[Ghoti]

You get Dr. Horrible.

I insert Sarah Palin.

[Random Gal]

You get an even bigger version of the Bridge to Nowhere intended to connect Alaska to Russia.

I insert a giant floating head.

[Ghoti]

You get a clinking clanking clattering collection of caliginous JUNK!

I insert Wicked.

[Random Gal]

You get THE NOYVE!!!!

I insert a baby.

[R. U. Sirius]

You get a shaved monkey.

I insert the concept of politics.

[Indikins]

You get the concept of unintentional comedy.

I insert a mad scientist and the Large Hadron Collider.

[Feral Dog]

You get sentient atoms.

I insert the fanboys upset over PazKat.