Wishes Will Be Corrupted

[Art Vandelay]

I become a were-puppy, but on the upside I get a shiny new car. I'm happy with that.

Anyway, granted, you're no longer tired but you've now got a ghost chilli lodged up your bum. Have fun with that.

I wish for some more corn chips.

[Veras]

Granted, your shiny new car is now completely full of corn chips.  More continue to appear as you try to remove the other ones, so you can never use your car.  To add insult to injury, the chips are all very, very stale and slightly moldy.

I wish the data for my thesis was already compiled.

[RinellaWasHere]

Granted. All the data on the highest official in your school's incredibly tiny penis is compiled. And no, this does not change if said official is female.

I wish for more cookies.

[Random Gal]

Granted, you are buried in a huge pile of cookies. Before you can get out, the smell of freshly-baked cookies attracts the Cookie Monster, who eats the whole pile and swallows you by mistake.

I wish Theodore Roosevelt would come back to life and become president again.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted, he becomes president of your local PTA.

I wish this My Little Pony fad would just die out already.

[Delirium]

Granted. Something else takes its place and the fans are even more obnoxious than bronies. Plus, bronies end up migrating over to the new fandom. And did I mention it's something you like?

I wish I could get laid right now.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted, Fred Phelps will be at your house in just a tick.

I wish Fred Phelps would die of a heart attack as a result of his roll in the hay with Delirium.

[Sleepy]

Granted, but his death angers her so much that she has you kidnapped so she can torture you and drape you in his intestines.

I wish for perfect health.

[Zygarde]

Granted but it fades quickly

I wish I had a snake tongue (don't ask why.)

[Meshakhad]

Granted. You are now a garter snake.

I wish I had a supply of trained honey badgers that I could legally send in the mail to assholes without fear of injury or legal retaliation.

[Veras]

Granted.  You mail your trained honey badgers to assholes.  It turns out that the badgers are trained CPAs.  They help the assholes invest their money and are so successful that all of the assholes that you mail them to get rich.  Now they don't have to work, and can devote all of their time to assholery.  The badgers are not trained to work for you.

Oh, you wanted them trained to attack the assholes?  You should have been more specific.

I wish for a Time-Turner.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted, but it's only a model.

I wish for some bacon.

[The Right Honourable Mlle Antéchrist]

Granted, you get Kevin Bacon.

I wish I had no need for sleep.

[Deus ex Populo]

That's because you're now dead.

I wish to resurrect Mlle Antéchrist (not as a zombie) and give Art some actual bacon.

[The Right Honourable Mlle Antéchrist]

Granted. Mlle Antéchrist kills Art and takes his bacon.

I wish I could come up with an awesome invention and retire as a millionaire.