Washington, DC (AP) - Today, federal lawmakers, working alongside lobbyists from the RIAA, the MPAA, Sony Music Entertainment and more than a dozen other concerned parties, passed the 2,972 page Business Opportunity protection and Help for Intellectual property-holding Corporations Act, or BOHICA for short.
The law, which contains "controversial" provisions which extend copyright on creative works indefinitely and requires ISPs turn over user information on demand from copyright holders, was the brainchild of Rep.Lamar Smith (R-Texas) and Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), who worked closely with legal representatives of the MPAA and RIAA who assisted in writing the final draft of the bill. "We believe that the lifeblood of America's position as an economic and technological leader of the free world is dependent on intellectual property rights," said Representative Smith in an interview at his office Wednesday, smiling as he lovingly caressed the briefcase filled with neat stacks of hundred dollar bills to his right on his office desk. "This truly bipartisan legislation will allow government and law enforcement to work in a synergistic, mutually-supportive fashion with copyright-holding companies to protect the labor of so many hardworking people--the attorneys, the politicians, upper-level management, stockholders, lobbyists, CEOs, and our finest corporate citizens--who together form the strong backbone of this great nation."
When asked if the new law, which among many other things makes it legal for companies to sue customers on evidence as flimsy as their ownership of a computer with an optical drive, essentially grants perpetual ownership of works yet to be created by an author to that author's present employer, makes encryption flatly illegal, paves the way towards the removal of anonymity from all online activities from US internet users, allow for indefinite imprisonment of copyright violators until all fines are paid, and would require ISPs to constantly and aggressively monitor all customers for indications of illegal activity online, had any potential for misuse, Representative Smith said, "No, I don't believe it does." Then he chuckled quietly while stroking his white cat, Mittens, as thunder pealed in the background. "In fact, I think it will work precisely as intended." The interview ended as Smith began laughing maniacally. It was impossible to reach Leahy at his office for comment, as the Senator was off on an all-expenses-paid couple's retreat at Lake Tahoe, Nevada, a gift from Sony.
"This law represents a significant breakthrough in US-Corporate relations," said former senator Chris Dodd, Chairman and CEO of the MPAA. "We've worked hard for years to improve our aquisition and utilization of our customers' hard-earned dollars and find new and better ways to protect our property from pirates and thieves, such as most of the public. Whether it's an overpriced, special-FX-heavy-yet-utterly-plotless movie from one of our studios, an insipidly empty, soulless, autotuned ballad from one of the RIAA's 'artists', a classic novel that one of our associate publishers has forever acquired the rights to, or a piece of $295.95 software that one of our customers would like to install on more than one of his household's computers without purchasing separate licenses for them all, at last, we can rest easy, knowing that our brave congresspeople will see to it that our potential profits are protected from those who would deny us every potential cent we feel we are owed. And when you're buying that same music, or those same books, movies and television shows over...and over..and over..and over again, to enjoy it anew in formats yet undreamt of, we hope you too will appreciate the hard work that went into BOHICA.
"And one day soon, you will not only thoroughly enjoy the rape," Dodd finished, his grin widening as the yellow of his reptillian eyes glinted through his human contacts. "You will come to beg us for it."
Lobbyists and attorneys representing Google, Facebook and Youtube are expected to appeal on the grounds that the hardware and software upgrades required for constant, round-the-clock monitoring of all internet users while online would require many hundreds of billions of dollars, possibly in excess of America's GDP. A similar bill which would have allowed copyright holders to require their customers to install cameras and microphones in their bedrooms, living rooms and bathrooms for periodic monitoring at their own expense, was recently vetoed by President Obama, but is expected to be re-introduced early next year.
