Oh, that was me. I broke into your room last night and furiously teabagged your face while yelling Bible verses at you. Unfortunately, I got a little carried away, and the force of my mighty ballbag sent you flying across the room. Thankfully, you were knocked out cold before you could fully wake up, and I was able to put you back on your bed before you realised what had actually happened.
Why am I telling you this? Well, I know full well there's no way you'll let yourself believe it wasn't Jesus Magic, so I can confess in great detail to using your face as a punching bag for my sackula and still get away with it. Fuck, it's a great time to be alive right now.