Weirdest/Most Esoteric Conspiracy Theories

[Witchyjoshy]

Well, if it is, they've gone to the effort of putting up an entire cheap-looking website with plenty of pictures of society meetings and an entire backstory, so it's a good one if so.

*sighs*

That's just...

I've seen the freaking planes fly overhead.  I've flown in a plane before.  Twice, I think.

I've seen people skydiving.  My father regularly jumped out of helicopters on rescue missions when he was in the Navy.

I'VE SEEN PLANES TAKING OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE.

It takes FAR more blatant denial of reality to say that planes don't fly than it does to say that the earth is flat.  YOU HEAR ME!?  THE FLAT EARTH IDIOTS MAKE MORE SENSE THAN THIS!

...I don't know why this is getting to me like this =_=

[Dakota Bob]

* "Man Will Never Fly"

Not that I'm the sole adjudicator or anything, but I've looked this up...

Members of the Man Will Never Fly Society are not opposed to flight.  Birds do it, Bees do it, even educated fleas do it, as Cole Porter once said.  But when you stop to think about it, do you actually believe that a machine made of tons of metal will fly?  Small wonder that the editor of a Dayton newspaper said, when informed of the mythical first flight in 1903.  "Man will never fly.  And if he does, he will never come from Dayton." 
          The Society's members believe that balloons fly, but we do not believe in flying machines.  Indeed, members of the Society have proposed a variety of apparati for movement through the ozone.  One of our members is even cultivating an enormous jumping bean which, when saddled and heated by a laser, will propel a human for great distances.
          But let us hear no more of plane moving through the air, unless they are hurled by carpenters.  Airports and airplanes are for the gullible.  Little do "plane" passengers realize that they are merely boarding Greyhound buses with wings, and that while aboard these winged buses, given the illusion of flight when cloud like scenery is moved past their windows by stagehands in a very expensive theatrical performance. 
           We ask you to gather under our banner and combat the myth that man can, did, or will ever fly, except in his or her imagination.

...and I'll say that the bar has raised.

tonnes of metal, flying? what bullshit! and a machine of metal producing warm toast for breakfast? Ppfff, don't make me laugh! fucking Illuminati!

[Radiation]

The plane thing is new to me and it's pretty absurd. I live about 10-20 miles from the major airport and I see planes going in and out all the time.

My favorites are the MK-ULTRA/Project Monarch conspiracy theories where people believe that celebrities have been tortured since childhood, even before birth, in order to traumatize them and create thousands (apparently) of split personalities; each having specific task ranging from sex slaves, drug trafficking and espionage.

That shit is trippy as hell.

[ironbite]

Well, if it is, they've gone to the effort of putting up an entire cheap-looking website with plenty of pictures of society meetings and an entire backstory, so it's a good one if so.

*sighs*

That's just...

I've seen the freaking planes fly overhead.  I've flown in a plane before.  Twice, I think.

I've seen people skydiving.  My father regularly jumped out of helicopters on rescue missions when he was in the Navy.

I'VE SEEN PLANES TAKING OFF IN THE FIRST PLACE.

It takes FAR more blatant denial of reality to say that planes don't fly than it does to say that the earth is flat.  YOU HEAR ME!?  THE FLAT EARTH IDIOTS MAKE MORE SENSE THAN THIS!

...I don't know why this is getting to me like this =_=

Guess I contribute to the whole thing seeing as how I work at an airport.

[chitoryu12]

* Flat Earth

I once saw a long thesis written by a flat-earther with contained a section that attempted to explain away all of the evidence for the planet being a sphere. One of the points insisted that there is no gravity, and that the earth is merely accelerating upwards at a rate equivalent to one g, which is why objects fall back to the planet. This is already hilarious for so many reasons, but then it went on to contradict itself by claiming that images taken from orbit only show a spherical earth because of gravitational lensing. So, basically, gravity only exists when it's convenient for reality-denial.

So what's the explanation for why anybody traveling around the world doesn't find an edge? Are there teleporters along the edges that instantaneously drop you back on the opposite edge before you find space?

Also, how does the atmosphere remain when there's no gravity?

How are items able to remain in orbit if there's no gravity to cause an orbit? If their theory was correct, any object that freed itself of atmospheric friction would either continue flying away from Earth or would come to a standstill above the atmosphere and find the Earth moving at 9.8 m/s^2 up toward them.

How does the moon stay in place with no orbit? Unless it's held up by strings, we should have been constantly flying toward it and slammed into it by now.

[Osama bin Bambi]

I think the prize for most esoteric conspiracy theorist (that doesn't have obvious paranoid schizophrenia) goes to Maxine Dietrich (a.k.a. Andrea Herrington) of Joy of Satan Ministries. She's a theistic Satanist neo-Nazi who believes in aliens and literally encourages teens to worship Adolf Hitler, self-harm, and masturbate as part of their rituals. Curiously she's not particularly homophobic, but it has been alleged that she is a pedophile.

[The Right Honourable Mlle Antéchrist]

Some more flat earth non-sense here: http://www.theflatearthsociety.org/forum/index.php/topic,11211.0.html#.UavDwdjW9GQ

[Barbarella]

My mother's former mother-in-law believed that the Beatles were part of a communist plot to compromise or destroy the West by corrupting western youth.  She believed that John Lennon had been kidnapped as a child, tortured and brainwashed by the Soviets and eventually sent back to the West with Yoko Ono as his minder and controller.  He was eventually killed because he had outlived his usefulness or because the plot was about to be discovered, she believed.  A majority of other rock and pop acts were also part of the plot, too. 

Of course, she also believed that there were mass graves of the Clintons around Mena, Arkansas, and spent two separate vacations with her husband there looking for them.  They didn't ever actually find a grave, but they did get arrested for trespassing, and they successfully rammed a farmer's stray cow with their RV.  Have I mentioned yet that they were major Alex Jones fans?  Okay.

Holy marshmallows! I'm glad for you & your mom that she's an EX-mother in law!

[Osama bin Bambi]

My mother's former mother-in-law believed that the Beatles were part of a communist plot to compromise or destroy the West by corrupting western youth.  She believed that John Lennon had been kidnapped as a child, tortured and brainwashed by the Soviets and eventually sent back to the West with Yoko Ono as his minder and controller.  He was eventually killed because he had outlived his usefulness or because the plot was about to be discovered, she believed.  A majority of other rock and pop acts were also part of the plot, too. 

Of course, she also believed that there were mass graves of the Clintons around Mena, Arkansas, and spent two separate vacations with her husband there looking for them.  They didn't ever actually find a grave, but they did get arrested for trespassing, and they successfully rammed a farmer's stray cow with their RV.  Have I mentioned yet that they were major Alex Jones fans?  Okay.

Holy marshmallows! I'm glad for you & your mom that she's an EX-mother in law!

Yeah, that lady gives my dad a run for his money in the crazy department.

[Sigmaleph]

* Flat Earth

I once saw a long thesis written by a flat-earther with contained a section that attempted to explain away all of the evidence for the planet being a sphere. One of the points insisted that there is no gravity, and that the earth is merely accelerating upwards at a rate equivalent to one g, which is why objects fall back to the planet. This is already hilarious for so many reasons, but then it went on to contradict itself by claiming that images taken from orbit only show a spherical earth because of gravitational lensing. So, basically, gravity only exists when it's convenient for reality-denial.

So what's the explanation for why anybody traveling around the world doesn't find an edge? Are there teleporters along the edges that instantaneously drop you back on the opposite edge before you find space?

The flat-earther map is a circle centred in the Arctic, with Antarctica as the edge of the world (functioning as a giant ice wall that keeps the oceans from spilling out). Thus, anyone travelling around the world would simply be describing a circle around the centre.

Also, how does the atmosphere remain when there's no gravity?

Magic, presumably?

How are items able to remain in orbit if there's no gravity to cause an orbit? If their theory was correct, any object that freed itself of atmospheric friction would either continue flying away from Earth or would come to a standstill above the atmosphere and find the Earth moving at 9.8 m/s^2 up toward them.

There is nothing in orbit, according to standard Flat-Earther theory. I'm not sure how they explain GPS, communications satellites and etceteras.

How does the moon stay in place with no orbit? Unless it's held up by strings, we should have been constantly flying toward it and slammed into it by now.

The moon is a giant floating lamp in the sky. As is the sun.

I know perhaps too much about standard Flat-earther excuses.

[niam2023]

According to one guy, I am apparently "of Nephilim blood".

I actually told him that that's really freaking cool. He seemed confused why I thought being descended from giant half-angels was cool.

Even if its fake, its always fun when the conspiracy theorists claim you're some sort of creature.

[Witchyjoshy]

I remember one book series I read, the Nephilim were humans capable of turning into black-winged angels.  The main character was a nephilim who had to deal with being hunted down by a self-righteous angel who believes that humans are insignificant and that God is offended by their praise (despite being near-personally smited down by God in the climax of the previous book in a more literal case of Deus ex Machina)

Sadly the books are considered obscure.

[chitoryu12]

The flat-earther map is a circle centred in the Arctic, with Antarctica as the edge of the world (functioning as a giant ice wall that keeps the oceans from spilling out). Thus, anyone travelling around the world would simply be describing a circle around the centre.

That doesn't make geographic sense even if we were to assume this is true, as this would require travel in a straight line to actually be a curve.

[Sigmaleph]

The flat-earther map is a circle centred in the Arctic, with Antarctica as the edge of the world (functioning as a giant ice wall that keeps the oceans from spilling out). Thus, anyone travelling around the world would simply be describing a circle around the centre.

That doesn't make geographic sense even if we were to assume this is true, as this would require travel in a straight line to actually be a curve.

Presumably all intercontinental means of transport curve their paths imperceptibly and automatically. Because NASA or something.

[niam2023]

Oh yeah, I remember that one!

I really liked it. The self righteous angel was...really, really like one of the fundies we commonly mock here.

Its like someone handed Bryan Fischer a job upstairs.