Wishes Will Be Corrupted

[Art Vandelay]

Granted, but the kid's an asshole.

I wish it were legal to kick kids in the face.

[tygerarmy]

Granted, you can kick baby goats in the face.  PETA damages your property every time you do.

I wish I could safely teleport to and from work.

[Saturn500]

Granted, you are now in possession of the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device. It gets stolen from you by a master thief, who uses it to steal all of the most famous works of art.

I wish there were a National Crablette Day.

[Jack Bauer]

Granted. The Crablettes band together... Before taking over the world, they eat your urethra.

I wish for a return to the Julian calendar.

[Captain Jack Harkness]

Wish granted.  Society collapses as everyone is confused as fuck.

I wish I had the ability to fix any computer problem with the power of magic, instead of troubleshooting and stupid shit like drivers for a wireless that...fuck you Dell!

[Saturn500]

Granted. You are incredibly busy for the rest of your life, as your powers make you a godsend to everyone else with a computer. You eventually die from overwork.

I wish Final Fantasy XIII-2 had a canon ending which was actually, y'know, good.

[Captain Jack Harkness]

Wish granted.  Your favorite game now has the world's shittiest ending.  Also, Jersey Shore now has a shitty video game for some reason.

I wish Season 3 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic was here.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted, but it's complete shit and as such all fans who're over the age of twelve lose interest, resulting in the brony fandom fading away (whaddaya know, I got my wish granted corruption-free).

I wish I could find the plug to the kitchen sink.

[Saturn500]

Granted. It's being guarded by bronies, who are angry at your implied insult. They have a lot of dakka, by the way.

I wish for three more wishes!

[Captain Jack Harkness]

Wish granted.  You can't actually use them, though.

I wish I owned my own home.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted, it's in Harlem, New York. Also, everyone in the area thinks you're a racist. Have fun with that.

I wish I always got as much sleep as I did last night (seriously, waking up a 6:00am and not feeling tired is one of the greatest things ever).

[Saturn500]

Granted. You sleep through a crisis only you could have stopped. Now seahorses rule the world.

I wish Ronald E. Williams would DIAF (of course, don't we all?)

[tygerarmy]

Granted, we all die in a fire with Ronald E. Williams.

I wish my commute was significantly quicker.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted, but it takes you 40 minutes to get in and out of the front door of your work place.

I wish it were already Friday afternoon.

[ThunderWulf]

Granted, but you're stuck inside filling out paperwork.

I wish that I had a gun that shoots shurikens and lightning!