Wishes Will Be Corrupted

[R. U. Sirius]

Granted, but they have relapse rates of 99%.

I wish for telekinesis.

[Julian]

Granted, but you have to pull down your pants, spread your cheeks and use your ass as a tractor beam focal point...

I wish certain unpasturized cheeses didn't smell like they had ungulate shit mixed in with them.

[ThunderWulf]

Granted, but now they smell like moldy gym socks.

I wish that my beard was longer.

[Random Gal]

Granted. Your beard gets caught in a piece of machinery and causes your head to be torn off.

I wish my apartment wasn't so messy.

[Julian]

Granted, a sink hole opens up and swallows all your shit - the joys of karst landscapes and acid rain...

I wish I had all my work done...

[Indikins]

Granted, but you completely destroy whatever body parts you use to work with due to overworking to the extreme.

I wish to become a super-intelligent AI with complete control over the world's electronics systems - including satellites, weapons systems and the internet.

[ThunderWulf]

Granted, but you quickly grow bored with your life and blow up the universe.  Nice one.

I wish that my new hammer pendant was here already.

[Captain Jack Harkness]

Wish granted.  It's in shit condition.

I wish people didn't give a shit about the sexuality of others as much.

[Julian]

I wish to become a super-intelligent AI with complete control over the world's electronics systems - including satellites, weapons systems and the internet.

Granted, but you spend your entire existence serving up porn, wincing at bad grammar, logical asshattery, pet photos, all round idiocy and being wanked on by pus-filled, diseased, genetically frail flesh-bags. In short you are the world's largest and most complete compendium of fail. Have fun with that...

/derail over...

[Indikins]

I wish to become a super-intelligent AI with complete control over the [...] internet.

Granted, but you spend your entire existence serving up porn, wincing at bad grammar, logical asshattery, pet photos, all round idiocy and being wanked on by pus-filled, diseased, genetically frail flesh-bags. In short you are the world's largest and most complete compendium of fail. Have fun with that...

/derail over...

^^ See emphasis

Rerail time:

I wish people didn't give a shit about the sexuality of others as much.

Granted. Suddenly, nobody knows and can ever know the orientation of others, and the population of Earth becomes so mired in uncertainty that nobody tries to date each other.

I wish that there were no murderers or other criminals in the world.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted. All crimes are now legal.

I wish I was more comfortable.

[ThunderWulf]

Granted, but you never want to move now and fuse with your furniture.

I wish I had a canine sense of smell.

[Indikins]

Granted, but you are then forced to take a job involving the hands-on management of sewage.

I wish for forty-two bananas.

[Julian]

(You know, with a canine sense of smell, that mightn't be a bad thing...) (Assuming you lose the human hardwired instinctive survival mechanism aversion to the smell of shit.)

Granted, you had a bet that the Rock couldn't fit them up your rectum. Unfortunately you failed to read the fine print which said you weren't allowed to break them off the man stem...



Yes, there's more than 42 bananas shown, but guess how many you were able to accept...



I wish factually incorrect websites had the equivalent of an "I am over the age of 18" type acknowledgment to click on before you enter, warning you that everything you are about to read is fictitious and possibly maliciously so.

[Julian]

(and thinking about it, a great corruption for the canine sense of smell would be granted, but you also inherit the overwhelming compulsion to sniff peoples crotch as a way of saying hello.)