Author Topic: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic  (Read 368498 times)

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Offline Captain Jack Harkness

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #210 on: January 24, 2012, 03:06:40 pm »
Yeah, just build on what you have.  It's too short and too fast, really, that's about your only issue as it stands.

vital suggestion:  change the permissions to 'anyone that has the link'.  We've had trolls previously pop into stories and nuke 78 pages of work over the last two months while the author was asleep or away from the computer.

We don't comment on fics except when we're doing something funny amongst ourselves.  We do all our discussion in the IRC and e-mail threads.

Will do and have done.  They now have warm fuzzies.

If you're talking about the two with explicit permissions, then they're part of a group of my state's bronies, and one of them even helped me edit it.  The other one read it, but didn't really suggest any major changes.  Of course, there is the chance that a troll could exploit a security hole, if that's what you mean.  I can change the general link permissions to just viewing if you guys handle things via chat/e-mail and whatnot, though.

I've even talked to them in group chat.  I don't actually personally know any of them, but they all seem to know each other, so I'm relying on not only earned trust from being in the group for a while and seeing some of the posting habits, but also befriending/directly chatting with them and a kind of proxy trust that arises form them all kind of knowing each other a little. :)
« Last Edit: January 24, 2012, 03:11:38 pm by B-Man »
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Offline Cerim Treascair

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #211 on: January 24, 2012, 03:12:21 pm »
Good, good, I no longer have edit access according to Google.  You're golden.  So, before I go off to do laundry, all I suggest is that you build up and have some backstory on when and why Pinkie fell in love with Rarity.  We need more than "I really like you" "I really like you too, but I was afraid to admit it" and end.
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Offline Captain Jack Harkness

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #212 on: January 24, 2012, 03:15:32 pm »
Good, good, I no longer have edit access according to Google.  You're golden.  So, before I go off to do laundry, all I suggest is that you build up and have some backstory on when and why Pinkie fell in love with Rarity.  We need more than "I really like you" "I really like you too, but I was afraid to admit it" and end.

So the bit where Rarity gushes about her past and her secret envy of Pinkie is alright, yet I still need to flesh out Pinkie some more?  I mean, I can build up for both of them more possibly, but I'm not sure if that would be too jumpy or confusing.  Then again, I haven't even written anything new yet, so I can't really properly assess that until I turn ideas into reality.
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Offline Cerim Treascair

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #213 on: January 24, 2012, 04:41:59 pm »
yep, flesh out Pinkie.  I think if you do that, it'll make it a much more solid work.
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Offline largeham

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #214 on: January 24, 2012, 05:28:13 pm »
Good luck with the fic, but to me Rarity and Pinkie Pie seems a bit weird.

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Offline Captain Jack Harkness

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #215 on: January 24, 2012, 05:39:45 pm »
Good luck with the fic, but to me Rarity and Pinkie Pie seems a bit weird.

Hey, it can't be any weirder than the multitude of other shipping combinations people have made, right? ???
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Offline largeham

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #216 on: January 24, 2012, 05:41:47 pm »
I don't read fanfic so I can't say. I guess the only one that really makes sense (to me) would be Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.

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I used to wonder what socialism could be!
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Offline Captain Jack Harkness

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #217 on: January 24, 2012, 08:46:20 pm »
So I think I can flesh out Pinkie more without changing the first half of the story leading up to Appleloosa.  I'm gonna use two plot devices to do this.

1)  A dream

2)  A flashback, narrated by Rarity

Yeah, I know that sounds a little vague.  I'm saying it to pique your interest.  Also, I'm too lazy to type out my full plan.

Well, I might have to change some parts to keep things coherent, but I can keep the main structure of it together, I think.  I have some other things I'll need to change that were pretty big after Appleloosa, too. XD
« Last Edit: January 24, 2012, 08:48:47 pm by B-Man »
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Offline Cerim Treascair

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #218 on: January 24, 2012, 08:52:48 pm »
I think your flashbacks will be fine.

Also, I ship Twinkie, Fluttarity and Appledash.

I blame a fellow pony author, Gabriel LaVedier (if you've read any of the Bad Apple series of stories, that's him) for getting me hooked on Twinkie.  Twilight having a pet name for Pinkie of 'My little cookbook' gave me diabetes.  Again.

Fluttarity? Hello, weekly spa dates?

Appledash... ... I should hope that one's obvious.
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Offline Captain Jack Harkness

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #219 on: January 24, 2012, 10:08:59 pm »
This is a bit off topic to what we've been talking about, but I just noticed that my picture (drawn by a friend) has a lever system that looks a lot like the SMF logo.  Hah.  Imagine that. XD

Official reply:

"have a response!
----------
This is one of those days where the fic isn't overtly bad, but it is not good enough. The subject matter is what you'd expect, but the ponies have no conflict that lasts. I haven't a clue how to improve it without changing the story completely, but it would be torn to shreds on EqD.

It had some errors and mistakes in punctuation, and it talked at the reader too much. The language was distastefully informal at times, and the pacing was non-existent. Everything happens and resolves within sentences.
-------------

Gotta expand it! Hit up ponychan with it, they will help you flesh it out.  You can resubmit after it has been fixed up."

I of course will be shifting the underlying plot, and I might hit up Ponychan later.  I don't know if I'll get much done on it tonight, though.  I have other...things...
« Last Edit: January 24, 2012, 10:25:40 pm by B-Man »
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Offline Cerim Treascair

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #220 on: January 24, 2012, 10:34:47 pm »
That's a reply from Seth and/or Cereal, all right... Ponychan is your best bet.  You fix it up first, throw it there, and once they give it a pass, re-sub.
There is light and darkness in the world, to be sure.  However, there's no harm to be had in walking in the shade or shadows.

Formerly Priestling

"I don't give a fuck about race...I'm white, I'm American, but that shit don't matter.  I'm human."

Offline Captain Jack Harkness

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #221 on: January 24, 2012, 10:39:15 pm »
That's a reply from Seth and/or Cereal, all right... Ponychan is your best bet.  You fix it up first, throw it there, and once they give it a pass, re-sub.

Fair enough.  I do have on question though.  What's "talking at the reader" and how is this fixable.  Maybe it was discussed in the Omnibus, but I read it at like...3 or 4 in the morning, and had to be up early today.
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Offline Cerim Treascair

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #222 on: January 24, 2012, 10:54:05 pm »
That's a reply from Seth and/or Cereal, all right... Ponychan is your best bet.  You fix it up first, throw it there, and once they give it a pass, re-sub.

Fair enough.  I do have on question though.  What's "talking at the reader" and how is this fixable.  Maybe it was discussed in the Omnibus, but I read it at like...3 or 4 in the morning, and had to be up early today.

Will explain after I land after my flight.  Hang tight.  Expect an answer some time tomorrow evening.
There is light and darkness in the world, to be sure.  However, there's no harm to be had in walking in the shade or shadows.

Formerly Priestling

"I don't give a fuck about race...I'm white, I'm American, but that shit don't matter.  I'm human."

Offline Captain Jack Harkness

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #223 on: January 25, 2012, 10:03:54 am »
So, let me make it clear that this critique was a pretty big blow to my confidence.  There are some parts to it that sound like inherent problems in my ability to write.  Some of the terms that bother me are.

"Distastefully formal"

"Talking at the reader"

The pacing not existing makes sense, as the fic needs to be longer.  Still, those other problems sound like they could be problems inherent with how I write.  Yeah, I had it run through some editing, so I cant be sure how much of that is my editor's direct edits and how much it is me taking some of their suggestions, but not only am I not quite sure how to resolve these "issues," but the fact that they exist in the first place bother me.

I'm honestly not much of an artist, but I think you could draw some mediocre art or comics or do some other mundane act and get on EqD more easily than you can with fanfiction.  I mean, there is amazing art, and there are great comics, but I question whether the quality threshold is as high.

Also, story updates aren't subject to quality control at all, which makes me envy the fuck out of those bastards.  Yeah, I know they had to make it through the  prereaders at least once, but I still find myself annoyed by it.

Hell, I think making PMVs or parodies have the lowest standards, especially for taste.

Then again, I can't bitch too much.  Complaining about things never solved anything.  I really only did it to vent over some frustration in the writing process.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2012, 11:44:10 am by B-Man »
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Offline e13

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Re: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
« Reply #224 on: January 25, 2012, 12:21:18 pm »
Good luck with the fic, but to me Rarity and Pinkie Pie seems a bit weird.
Dude, almost all shipping for this show seems weird to me. It's so... innocent, I rarely think of icky romance. *E13 has regressed to the mind set of a 9 year old).

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