I sit and think of faded people.
The people I once created with and laughed with and shared with and belonged with. The people I once called “friend”, or at least people I knew and recognized.
When we knew, it was as if we’d be together forever. But now you’re only names on a contacts list. You’re still alive, and you never hurt me and I never hurt you. But here we are, separate, as if on the sides of an invisible mist. I think, if it had been dramatic, if we’d departed in hate, it would hurt less for me to think of you.
The only thing in common with all those bonds that faded like blood into water is me. Is it me who’s to blame? Well, I’m an awkward person. I don’t blame you for not staying in contact. Do you blame me for it? Do you still think of me? Have I left any impression on you? I’d like to think that you still think of me, but at the same time, I wish you’ve forgotten me too. I don’t know.
I could talk to you again. It’s something I could do, nothing’s stopping me. But I wouldn’t know what to say, and I’m not brave enough to try to return to that old place or try to make a new one. I’m so scared of things falling into awkward silence or forced attempts again. Maybe it’s better this way. You can go on.
Maybe it was always meant to be this way anyway.
Maybe the people I belong with now will end up like that, too. I’m scared, I don’t want them to. I don’t want to. But it’s out of my control whether it does or not, isn’t it? The march of time scares me so much.
Well, I won’t let it stop me. As long as it lasts, I’ll be with them no matter how it ends. I’ll try my best to retain them.
Anyway…
Here’s to all the faded people. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, I hope that you’re well.
And that, sometimes, maybe, you’ll think fondly of me.
(Yes, I am aware of the irony of posting this somewhere where said people won't see it.)