I have never understood the mantra of some reactionary idiots that if you curb aggressive behavior or prevent fighting that you are "emasculating" boys. I hear is damn near constantly from parents. They excuse bullying and cruelty with "Oh, boys will be boys."
I had a father this year tell me that he specifically instructed his son to retaliate immediately against any kind of physical aggression against him with "twice what they done." He told his son that if anyone hits him, he is to immediately hit them back twice as hard. If anyone shoves him, he is to shove them back twice as hard. He told his son that if he ever lets any slight against him pass that he is "weak" and a "punk" and a "victim." This kid now deeply believes in his soul that he has the right and the obligation to retaliate instantly against all slights, real or imagined. The kid doesn't even think about it anymore; it is ingrained in his identity. So far this year he has been involved in 3 fights that all escalated from the stupidest shit imaginable: once when another student stumbled against him in the hallway and he responded by shoving them into the wall. The second time resulted from a student calling him a "dick" for running his mouth. Next thing you know, punches thrown. The third time a student reached out and pushed his shoulder. Fist to the face. Once more instance and this kid is expelled. I expect that incident within the next two weeks, and unless this kid somehow unlearns this horrible mindset, he will be dead or in prison by his 18th birthday.
The thing is, the father continues to defend his son's behavior. His son has been suspended each time he was caught fighting, and each time his father was in school threatening a lawsuit because his son "has the right to defend himself." If we were not a private school with a very specific policy on fighting regardless of who started it that the parents all sign at the beginning of each year I'm certain he would have brought that suit. Each time his son is suspended, he returns to school with tales of how his dad kept telling him he was "proud of him for being strong," and how his father told him he was absolutely right to respond with vicious force. During these suspension days the father, who does not work, takes his son on reward trips, shopping, to movies, to an amusement park. The last time he bought his son a new cell phone as a reward for "defending himself." Defending himself against a kid two years younger, 8 inches shorter, and 55 pounds lighter than him.
All in the name of being "masculine."
I had another mother of a student once get in my face and tell me that her son (who was black) should not receive a suspension for fighting while the other student involved (who was white) should get once because in any black-white physical confrontation, the white is always at fault because all whites are racist. (Realize that I am white, and I am the teacher who not only was the only staff member advocating that her son not be expelled, but I am also the one who wrote sixteen letters of recommendation to get her kid into a local private high school and spent 3 hours a week after school tutoring her son for free so he could pass his exams.) When it became clear that I was not on board with this tactic, she switched gears and told me that her son should not be suspended because black boys are naturally more physically aggressive than white boys and we needed to be understanding about that.
I despise this mantra that being a man = being aggressive and violent. Manliness has never meant physical aggression. I was taught that being a "man" meant three things by my grandfather: Taking care of your business. Taking care of your family. Taking care of those who can not care for themselves. He told me that if you do these things, then you are a man.
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
My grandfather made me memorize that. It's "If" by Rudyard Kipling. THAT is what being a "man" is.
