Author Topic: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero  (Read 616 times)

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Offline AlphaMaid

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #15 on: July 14, 2019, 02:04:02 pm »
Calling Sigma to ban this sockpuppet.
Here is proof that I am not a sockpuppet. I am another Kiwi Farms user. https://kiwifarms.net/profile-posts/166428/

Offline niam2023

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #16 on: July 14, 2019, 02:13:30 pm »
Jacob cannot fucking write, proof number 12,478. His prose is just dreadful. Compare the prose of the original Parallel Hero to this bilge water.

Even if he wasn't a theocratic nutbar, his every sockpuppet introduces itself the very same way.
Living Life, Lifting, Waiting for Summer

Offline SomeApe

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #17 on: July 14, 2019, 03:28:47 pm »
Here is proof that I am Elvis Presley:

https://de.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elvis_Presley

 8)
just your regular ape

Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Chapter 1
« Reply #18 on: July 14, 2019, 03:34:03 pm »
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Hello, I am Jacob Harrison’s fiancée from Kiwi Farms and was asked by Jacob to post this.
Hello, Not Jacob Harrison.

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Therefore, after Richard was murdered, there was no legitimate male-line Plantagenet heir to the throne so ever since then, England has no monarchy De jure.
Epic Fail.

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Right after Trump woke up, he went to twitter and tweeted about his dream.
Well, I see there is one realistic thing in this fic. Certainly an improvement compared to your previous works.

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To his surprise, many Evangelical Christians called it a false sign since it was a dream about a Catholic president giving a message from God.

This caused Trump to have an epiphany that Catholicism is the true faith. He therefore realized that divorce is a sin. So when he converted, a church tribunal did a ruling of his marriages. They ruled first marriage to Ivana to be null because she previously divorced. They ruled that his second marriage to Marla Maples was the valid marriage so his third marriage to Melania was therefore null. Donald and Melania were therefore given the option to separate or live as brother and sister. They choose the later so that Melania could continue being the First Lady.

This caused Pope Francis to realize that he was wrong about Trump and he repented for being judgemental.
Yeah, that’s totally how human psychology works.

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Kennedy’s ghost’s warning came true on April 6, 2020. As Trump did not want war, he did his best to avoid war with Iran and successfully avoided it in 2019. However the tensions led to Iran breaking the uranium stockpile limit. Eventually the US had intelligence of them producing a nuclear weapon. This time, Trump had no choice but to order a preemptive military strike targeting a nuclear reactor. It was war.

Saudi Arabia and the other Gulf Arab nations immediately joined the US in the war against Iran. Israel which was in conflict with the Iranian supported terrorist organization Hezbollah was pulled into the war.

Iran’s allies Russia and China intervened to defend Iran. Ukraine took advantage of Russia being in war and invaded the Crimean Peninsula. Ukraine’s ally Poland joined the war on Ukraine’s side. This caused other NATO countries to join the war. It was World War III.
Er, have the US left NATO in that bizarre alternative universe of yours or something? Why would we apparently not follow the USA in an intervention to stop Iran from becoming an atom power, but then follow Poland of all countries in joining a non-member's war of aggression against nuclear super power Russia???

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Jacob Harrison and Pomme realizing that the war could go nuclear and destroy internet communication
Oh yes, that’s the true horror of nuclear war. Not the untold destruction wrecked by the bombs, not the fall-out, not the Nuclear Winter and the global famines it brings. No, the problem is that the internet is going down!

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President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan declaring himself to be the Ottoman Caliph.
Okay, that actually does sound scarily plausible...

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Jacob Harrison knew that one day the Turks will be defeated and Christianity would triumph. In the meantime, he had to postpone his college degree in order to get a job as a janitor to provide for his family.
Assuming of course that you would not have been conscripted or nuked.

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His wife was pregnant.
The poor child, in the womb during the fall-out, born into the nuclear winter...
...and that's leaving aside its insane father...

To be continued...
« Last Edit: July 14, 2019, 04:10:52 pm by Bastethotep »

Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Chapter 2
« Reply #19 on: July 14, 2019, 04:09:12 pm »
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“I am Henry of South Cadbury England. I am descended from Louis XVII of France, the son of the Holy Martyrs Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette. I am the prophesied King Henry of France that God revealed to Marie-Julie Jahenny.”

“But Louis XVII died at the age of 10,” said Jacob.

“According to the official story. But remember that God revealed to Marie-Julie Jahenny that the great monarch will be descended from Louis XVI.
Well, then she clearly was a false prophet. A sloppy one, at that.
Also, the way you integrate your exposition into the dialogue organically is truly astonishing.
Astonishingly bad.

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when I invade England
You and what army?

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the House of Commons and the House of Lords will elect me king.
Even if Aragorn Wannabe were to be succeed in his plans, what makes him so sure they would elect him, rather than putting the Windsors back on the throne, thus maintaining the continuity that had been de facto in place for centuries, or picking a king less likely to interfere in their own interest than the despotic autocrat Henry Sue will doubtlessly turn out to be?

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The other European kingdoms will elect me Holy Roman Emperor
You fail History forever.

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“Here is proof that I am doing a mission from God.”

Suddenly the apparition of a young woman appeared in the room.
NECROMANCY!!!

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“I am Saint Joan of Arc.”

“Now I know that Henry is the Great Monarch.
How do you know the ghost is telling the truth? Really, we don't even get any description of her beyond being young and female!

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The apparition caused Pomme to immediately convert to Catholicism.
Wait, she is not already Catholic, even almost nine months after marrying Jacob Harrison?

To be continued...
« Last Edit: July 14, 2019, 05:15:25 pm by Bastethotep »

Offline AlphaMaid

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Re: Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero - A Sporking Chapter 2
« Reply #20 on: July 14, 2019, 04:55:14 pm »
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“I am Henry of South Cadbury England. I am descended from Louis XVII of France, the son of the Holy Martyrs Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette. I am the prophesied King Henry of France that God revealed to Marie-Julie Jahenny.”

“But Louis XVII died at the age of 10,” said Jacob.

“According to the official story. But remember that God revealed to Marie-Julie Jahenny that the great monarch will be descended from Louis XVI.
Well, then she clearly was a false prophet. A sloppy one, at that.
Also, the way you integrate your exposition into the dialogue organically is truly astonishing.
Astonishingly bad.

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when I invade England
You and what army?

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the House of Commons and the House of Lords will elect me king.
Even if Aragorn Wannabe were to be succeed in his plans, what makes him so sure they would elect him, rather than putting the Windsors back on the throne, thus maintaining the continuity that had been de facto in place for centuries, or picking a king less likely to interfere in their own interest than the despotic autocrat Henry Sue will doubtlessly turn out to be?

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The other European kingdoms will elect me Holy Roman Emperor
You fail History forever.

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“Here is proof that I am doing a mission from God.”

Suddenly the apparition of a young woman appeared in the room.
NECROMANCY!!!

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“I am Saint Joan of Arc.”

“Now I know that Henry is the Great Monarch.
How do you know the ghost is telling the truth? Really, we don't even get any description of her beyond being young and female!

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The apparition caused Pomme to immediately convert to Catholicism.
Wait, she is not already Catholic, even almost nine months after marrying Jacob Harrison?

To be continued...
A Catholic can get permission from a bishop to marry a non Catholic which he plans to do. As part of the agreement, I must allow him to raise our children to be Catholic. He prays for my conversion in real life so that my soul is saved. Therefore, him having me convert in the story due to a supernatural apparition reflects his hope.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2019, 04:59:12 pm by AlphaMaid »

Offline davedan

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #21 on: July 14, 2019, 04:59:42 pm »
Calling Sigma to ban this sockpuppet.

Don't be such a spoilsport dpareja

Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Chapter 3
« Reply #22 on: July 14, 2019, 05:12:24 pm »
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And so, Jacob made a YouTube video
Wait, I thought the Internet was going to collapse because of WWIII?

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The Great Monarch is coming.
T̸͔͓͇h̬̟͕͔̭͔̳͟e̦̠̙͟ ̱̞̦̻͜h͓̟͎̜̹͚i̟v̗̝͈̦̘̬̬e҉̬-̯̘̰̰̟̰͕͘m̭͓͈̩̫͖̥̕i͙̝͉̟̩n͎̗̜̤̰̭͝d̡͍̯̼̖ͅ ̲̩̘r̷̫̪͈̣̭ep͢r̴͔̝̺̮ͅe̟͓̞sẹ͙͓̠̻́n̲͖̱̬̤̩͝t̸̮i͎̞͈̦͖̦̜͘ń̲̥̹̹͉͓̱g̀ ̠̹͕͓̫ͅc̳̖̪̮̲͇h͍̬͉͙̹̟a̹̦ͅo̖̺s.̩̻̺
̰̘͍͘T̟h͜e̶̼̖̗ ͢N͓̮̲͔̻̟̥͡ḙz̴̖͕͔̳͍͖p̗̖̗̣̝̳͜ͅe̲͙̲̘̝r̙̤̭̺̦̙d̲͘i͍̮̠͖ͅa̻̝̬̘̠̫̟n̢̼̯̫̝̥̼̝ ̡̮̻̲h̗͇͕̦͇͓̮i̜̬͙͠ͅv̛e̵̲-̭̙͕̱͍̞̫m͈͚i̮̱̯͕̣͈ṇ̗d̦̮̻ ̙̘͎͔̗ọ̜f͟ ̰͎͓̬c̗̭̣͓̱h͙̞͇ͅa̦̟̜o̟̫̮s̖̜͚̟̟.̳ ̗̺̖Z̶͉̝͓̙a͇̱̠̤l͉͕̥̗͈͡g͎̩͎͇o̩͖̱ͅ.͚̞͢
͕̙̳͕̖H͓e͍͞ ̫͈̱̜ͅw̬͍h͡o͔ ̜̟̬̘͖̤W͡ą̳̻̺̘̗̬it͔̦͚ş̱͚ͅ ̫̠B̗͈̞̙e͏h͔in͏̟̮̭͎͔ͅd T̨͖͓͕̼̘̤h̪e̸͈̫̭̜͖ ̫͇͟ͅW͈̥͕̪̹ͅa͢ll̰̟̀.̢͉͎̦̜̻͎
̡̤̙Z̭A҉̲̦̳̙L͟G͈O̝̩̭̱ͅ!̕

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He told me to make this video to start a chain of events that will fulfill the prophecy.
Actually, Aragoof said nothing about a video.

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The Great Monarch will liberate America, Europe and the Holy Land
Or at least what little is left of it...

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rebuild the Church of Hagia Sophia
You know that the Hagia Sophia is still standing, right? I mean, it could have been destroyed during the war, but the powerful position of Turkey in your timeline strongly implies it has been left largely intact.

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The video became viral.
Yeah, because one video of the ramblings of a self-important loon is totally what will captivate the minds of the survivors in the post-apocalyptic world...

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This will be important later in the story.
Aren't you a master of foreshadowing?
(No, you are not.)

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since World War III caused a major loss in doctors and medical technology
Well, someone finally remembers that it's WWIII...

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In 2034, General Zekai Aksakallı, a secret convert to Catholicism who was ordained into the clergy had his forces launch attacks destroying all of Turkey’s nuclear weapons which finally allowed the conquered Americans and Europeans to rebel.
And you assume it was your silly video that converted him?
Also, that's quite a sudden time skip there.

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Henry began the rebellion in America. He restored the United States and then his army crossed over into Europe. It was World War IV.
So Henry Sue started a World War. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

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Jacob Harrison was also canonized as a Saint.
You know that Superbia is one of Catholicism's Deadly Sins, right?

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Then from Good Friday to Easter 2038, there was the prophesied 3 Days of Darkness where the world became dark and God punished mankind. Around 1/4 of mankind heeded the supernatural warning that came on February 7, 2038. They lit blessed candles and took shelter inside their homes which they sprinkled with Holy Water as protection from demons.

The rest of mankind perished due to the pestilence in the air and the demons that roamed the Earth with an exception of a few who were soon converted.
Feel God's Love™ and Omnibenevolence™!

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Jacob Harrison Jr. married in 2039 and had a daughter called Anne born on October 1 2039 and then a son called Jacob Harrison III born on July 13 2040.
Such creative names. I don't get why some people think it is a good idea to give their children their own name. Hell, I would not even give the name of any friend or family member to my children.
...well, back to the story.

To be continued...

Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Chapter 4
« Reply #23 on: July 14, 2019, 06:19:25 pm »
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There he saw a small humanoid with wings flying about the garden.

Jacob III had never seen a fairy before, but he knew well enough to know this was one of them. "Little fairy, what are you doing out here?"

The fairy flew over to him. "It's terrible Mr. Knight! The Fairies have been attacked in our forest by the old god Pales, who wants to harvest our energy to return him to prominence!"

“Old God? There is no god but Yahweh,” replied Jacob III.

“I will clarify,” said the fairy. “The old gods are not real gods. They are  powerful shape-shifting aliens who got ancient peoples in your world to worship them which gives them psychic energy. They lost their prominence in your world when monotheism spread.”
So now the story is about a neo-Arthurian knight protecting fairies from Lovecraftian false gods?
Sounds kind of awesome, actually. Sadly, I am rather pessimistic that this fic will live up to that expectation.

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Two others closed in, only to be cut through with almost casual ease by the sword Arondight, one after the other.
:Mary Sue Alert:
By the way, that constant "Jacob III" is getting annoying. Yes, we know that this Jacob Harrison is the third one. And you would not even have that problem at all if you had not given them your own name!

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He called them Lesser Titans
Those things were ridiculously wimpy for Titans, "lesser" or not. Jaclone III is indeed a Mary Sue, isn't he?

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I've...I've never seen anyone handle them as well as you did.
Mary Sue confirmed.

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a young boy fending off easily five of the Lesser Titans, these ones wielding blades instead of mere torches.

The boy was covered with shallow wounds, including one on his cheek, having dark hair and blue eyes, clothed in a large jacket with a hood and slacks. What caught Jacob III’s attention about him was the presence of a floating spear / sword hybrid. The sword spear had a large blade with a long handle.

The floating blade whirred through the air and countered each strike extremely quickly, the young boy coordinating the blade with his hands.
Oh great, one more Mary Sue. Yay.

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I'm Tamerin, the current Fairy King."

Jacob III looked the younger man up and down - he barely looked fourteen, and a small bemused look came to his face, "...Pretty short for a King..."

Tamerin glowered at him, "I could still hit my growth spurt! Don't laugh!...haah...dammit."
...Jacob is so foolish to mock the King of the Fair Folk...
...and the Fairy King actually lets him get away with it...
...
!!!

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Speaking of names, my name's Jacob Harrison III the grandson of Saint Jacob Harrison."
Yes, just give the bloody King of the bloody Fair Folk your True Name, without him even needing to ask! I'm starting to suspect that Jacob Harrison III is somehow even more of a fool than his grandfather!

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Tam had a few more problems with them - he needed to keep them off of him, owing to the fact he did not have such armor or abilities.
Tamerin is the Fairy King. Why would he even need armour? Why would he be in greater peril than a mere mortal, magic sword or not?
And why would Jacob Harrison III even be wearing armour and his magic sword in the first place, when he was tending the garden when the fairy took him to the Otherworld?

To be continued...
« Last Edit: July 14, 2019, 06:38:05 pm by Bastethotep »

Online Sigmaleph

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #24 on: July 14, 2019, 06:39:57 pm »
Sigh.

I don't actually need to check your IP to know it's you, Jacob, but just as a heads up, you're not using your proxy correctly. Or at least not consistently.

Bye.
Σא

Offline davedan

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #25 on: July 14, 2019, 10:02:38 pm »
Why do you hate fun Sigma?

Offline Kanzenkankaku

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #26 on: July 15, 2019, 01:14:41 am »
Aww shucks i missed the fun.
Can someone tl;dr the babbling that this new story's plot consists of?

Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Chapter 5
« Reply #27 on: July 15, 2019, 01:53:45 am »
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It took the form of a large donkey, with black fur and glowing red eyes. It was decorated with various gems and totems.
What an epic description.

The rest of the chapter seems to be straight-up copy-pasted from Niam with the name changed. The sudden rise in quality is rather noticable. Which makes me wonder why you did not copy Niam's far better description as well, but rather replaced it with that beige prose.

To be continued...

PS:
Okay, it does diverge again at the end.

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But the other old gods will avenge me when they return to Earth."
You know, this lengthy sentence does not really fit as Last Words. Also, how cliché.

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The old god then dropped dead and its form was revealed to be a grey alien.
If by "grey alien", you mean the stereotypical alien design, "grey" should be capitalised. "Old Gods" should be capitalised as well, by the way, as it is a proper name, whereas the way you write it, they are just gods who are old - and I may note that this way, the narrative actually considers them gods, rather than the imposters you claim them to be.

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Its soul went to Limbo as it was not human and therefore neither holy nor a sinner.
So non-human sapients exist, they have souls, they are clearly capable of good and evil... but they are outside of divine justice? So black magic, setting up a cult worshipping you as a god, draining souls and massacring innocents in the pursuit of power are not sinful?
Your theology sucks.
« Last Edit: July 15, 2019, 11:38:54 am by Bastethotep »

Offline davedan

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #28 on: July 15, 2019, 02:43:36 am »
Love your summaries Bastethotep and admire your fortitude in wading through this dribble.

Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Chapter 6
« Reply #29 on: July 15, 2019, 03:16:54 am »
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The dream turned into a nightmare. He saw his grandfather in the interrogation room being tortured.

He then saw his grandfather being strapped to an electric chair and then shocked.
The horror is truly palpable. This is the most intense torture scene since legolas by laura.
(That was sarcastic, in case you couldn't tell.)

You really enjoy that persecution fantasy of yours, don't you?

Back to plagiarism...

This one seems to make no changes beyond the names at all.
« Last Edit: July 15, 2019, 11:38:43 am by Bastethotep »