Author Topic: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero  (Read 615 times)

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Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Chapter 7
« Reply #30 on: July 15, 2019, 03:41:30 am »
Well, it seems the plagiarism is over, at least for now.

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He believed that as humans and fairies had language, they were superior to other animals and therefore should not get slaughtered for food. That is why the ancient Greeks and Romans abandoned human sacrifice
The bastard.

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Hera/Juno was drinking tea and reading news of their home planet on her tablet.
Got to admit, this actually is kind of funny and cute.

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Seeking revenge on you for cheating on me and producing demigods
Well, at least someone is not out of character.

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I formed an alliance with the Demon Lord Lucifer
Wait, you mean the pagan gods were not already servants of the Devil all along? I'm sure that's heresy.

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Tartarus was a prison deep underground within a region of caverns called the Underworld, run by Jupiter’s brother Hades/Pluto which also contained Elysium and the Asphodel Meadows.
So the Greek underworld is real? So how, exactly, are the Old Gods false, then?

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the average souls going to the Asphodel Meadows, those they considered heroic going to Elysium, and the wicked going to Tartarus.
Sounds familiar... almost as if Christianity/Dante ripped off their Heaven/Hell/Purgatory from them...
(Well, actually, both of them stole the concept from Zoroastrism.)

Offline niam2023

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #31 on: July 15, 2019, 04:26:40 am »
Leave it to Jacob to plagiarize when he can't fucking write.
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Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Chapter 8
« Reply #32 on: July 15, 2019, 04:36:20 am »
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Inside the throne room was the Great Monarch Henry, his Prime Minister Michael Romano, Jacob III’s father Jacob Harrison Jr. and Jacob III’s sister Anne. 
Yes, I can see it so clearly before my inner eye. Move over, JRRT, this is what a TRUE master of establishing a scene's setting looks like!
(Sarcasm again, in case you couldn't tell.)

Also, you already introduced Jacob Jr and Anne in chapter 3.

By the way, does Great Monarch™ Pseudogorn not have a wife (well, considering how the royal marriages in your other fics work out, maybe it is a smart move to stay unmarried...) or other advisors and courtiers? And, on that note, what about Jacob Jr.'s wife/Anne and Jacob III's mother? She does not even get a name! Which particularly stands out in contrast to your precise dating of each of your descendant's birth, a comparatively minor detail.

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the Great Monarch Henry was his adoptive father.
In that case, shouldn't their last name be "of South Cadbury England" rather than "Harrison"?
Also, I notice that you made your descendants heirs to the throne. Why am I not at all surprised?

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people saw corpses wandering the town.
Always those pesky necromancers...

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where King Arthur was buried
Wait, I thought Arthur was raptured to Avalon in the moment of death?
Okay, looked it up, the monks of Glastonbury Abbey actually did claim to have found the grave of Arthur and Guinevere (why would convicted adultress Guinevere be buried with Arthur?) and a grave in that position does indeed exist, but of course, there is no evidence that it is Arty and Jenny who are buried there (or, of course, that they existed at all).

To be continued...

Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Chapter 9
« Reply #33 on: July 15, 2019, 05:16:57 am »
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our operations to take over Earth
Of course!

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the pagan Roman Empire
Would they really call the religion that worshipped them "pagan"?

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“The old gods plan to defeat both Yahweh, Lucifer and the Antichrist because they are interfering with our right to rule over humans. He then repeated the gnostic lie about the demiurge.
Oh dear, the forgotten closing quotation mark. Now everything that follows is narrated by Hercules as well.

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His laws are burdensome and forbid harmless activities such as sex outside of marriage, and homosexual sex.

Furthermore, he is extraordinarily cruel. He punishes humans who commit those harmless transgressions with eternal torment.  When the old gods defeat Yahweh, we will redesign the human afterlife so that only the actual wicked will be punished, the average will go to the Asphodel Meadows and the heroic will go to Elysium.”
Spot-on!

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“Yahweh is not a demiurge! He is the Supreme Being!” said Jacob III’s father.
Note that this is the only point he refutes. But of course, this is all that matters to you, doesn't it, Jacob? All that matters to you is hierarchy. And if those on top are those who the hierarchy designates for this position, then everything they do is by definition good and just, whereas anything that violates or even questions the hierarchy is by definition evil.
Authoritarian scum.

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His father’s soul went to purgatory.
Do you really need to tell us where the dead character's soul goes every time? Actually, if that's the case, you forgot it for Francis, that other pope, the people who died in WWs III and IV, the Lesser Titans and probably a few more that I forgot.

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He raised his sword and sliced down with it in a hammering strike, sending a huge stake of lightning rushing Hercules, "Thunder Hammer!"
SNEAK ATTACK!
Why does he call a strike with his sword "Thunder Hammer"?

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He raised his sword and sliced down with it in a hammering strike, sending a huge stake of lightning rushing Hercules, "Thunder Hammer!"

At the same time Tamerin got his spear Yggdrasoil to divide into 80 and launch at Hercules. The 2 attacks caused Hercules to fall to the ground. As he bled out he said his last words.
This is Hercules. The badass of badasses. Veteran of the Gigantomachy. The wearer of the pelt of the Nemaean Lion, invulnerable to all but the Lion's own claws. The one who battled the bloody Hydra of Lerna. You know, daughter of Typhon himself, collossal serpent, incredibly toxic, nine heads, when one head is cut off two new heads grow back, on top of that had a crab as a distration buddy? That Hydra of Lerna. And all this was before his apotheosis.
Hercules does not go down that easily.

To be continued...
« Last Edit: July 15, 2019, 05:56:48 am by Bastethotep »

Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Chapter 10
« Reply #34 on: July 15, 2019, 06:45:16 am »
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Adam and I were the first evolved anatomically modern humans who were given sentience by God.
...and yet, she has pale skin... Hello, Unfortunate Implications!
Also, the word you are looking for is SAPIENCE.

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We were supposed to be husband and wife. I thought that as the one who is to bear children and breastfeed them, I should have authority over Adam. He refused, so I left the Garden of Eden. God therefore created Eve to be Adam’s wife.
Does that not go against your belief that divorce is not permissible even in the case of extreme abuse?

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I then became a servant of Lord Lucifer who is much more gender inclusive than God. Lucifer was behind the feminist movement and the birth control pill.
How are they the bad guys again?

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Ireland was once inhabited by fairies who coexisted with humans and had sex with humans. Saint Patrick considered the interspecies  sex an abomination so when he converted Ireland, he and the Christians, with the help of the Angel Victor, drove fairies out of their native homes. Humans who sided with the fairies were also driven out.
Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

Also, an angel called "Victor"? Don't angels generally have Hebrew names, not Latin ones, usually describing them their relation to God, thus ending in -el (e.g. Michael = "Who is as God?", Gabriel = "Strength of God")? I mean, yeah, there is Sandalphon who does not end in -el and has unclear etymology, and Metatron and Lucifer which are Latin (corrupted in Metatron's case), but these two are later additions from fanfics. Anyways, "winner" seems like a pretty generic name for an angel.

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There, they had another dream of their grandfather in the torture chamber. They then saw him put to death in the electric chair. This time they saw the person who supervised the torture and execution.
Another super-intense torture scene. Yawn.

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They realized that he was Zekai Aksakallı, the double agent who destroyed Turkey’s nuclear weapons
So he was both a member of some evil American government (?) organisation (FEMA, I presume) that disappears True Christians™ as well as a member of the Turkish military? And he then became a Catholic priest on top of that?
Well, it nothing else, he must be a hell of a multitasker.

To be continued...

Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Chapter 11
« Reply #35 on: July 15, 2019, 07:59:14 am »
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Michael Ferrari
Wasn't the Prime Minister's name Michael Romano in chapter 8?
Also, I see what you did there.

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“They will not think that the antichrist is the antichrist, because they will think that someone else is. The Prime Minister Michael Ferrari is a secret agent of the old gods, will soon seize power in the west. He will restore Roman paganism. He is the Nero that Saint Martin of Tours prophesied about and who Hercules mentioned.

The Antichrist who will first seize power in the east will offer the panacea to Emperor Michael’s followers to get them to defect to his side. Michael will therefore perish at the hands of the Antichrist, and so the Christians who were deceived that Michael was the Antichrist will think that the actual Antichrist is a man of God.

The last obstacle to Christians being deceived is the papacy. After you kill Pope Peter III, the cardinals will elect a new pope. Then as prophesied by Saint Hildegard, a cardinal allied with the Antichrist will kill the pope. When the other cardinals elect the next pope, he will proclaim himself to be antipope and 2/3 of Christians will be deceived that he is the true pope.
That's rather convoluted.

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The Antichrist will claim that Jesus is not the son of God but he is. The antipope will also declare that.
Do you mean that the antipope will declare that the Antichrist is the son of God, or that the antipope will declare himself son of God?
Also, no one (or at least no significant amount of people) would believe him. Would it not make more sense to pretend that the Antichrist is, in fact, Jesus?

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Saints Jacob Harrison I and Pomme
Wait, when did Pomme become a saint? How did she earn sainthood? The only things she has done in this story is being Jacob Harrison's wife for nine months, giving birth to Jacob Harrison Jr and dying immediately afterwards!

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“After King Arthur was wounded in his battle with Mordred and was taken here, the ladies gave him a medicine which prolonged his life. It is in his body. The medicine’s healing power will increase significantly and grant immortality if you sacrifice him with the spear Yggdrasoil, and mix his blood with a sample of the corpse.”

So Jacob III, Anne, and Tamerin helped dig up King Arthur’s grave. They then lied that there is an important divine message to the Pope in Glastonbury. As Jacob III and Anne were previously devout Christians, the 100 year old Pope believed that lie and so went to Glastonbury.

There Tamerin allowed Jacob III to use Yggdrasoil to kill the Pope. And so, they created the panacea.
The wording here is rather confusing.

To be continued...

Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Chapter 12
« Reply #36 on: July 15, 2019, 08:28:20 am »
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After Pope Peter III was slain, Pope Peter IV was elected and he was killed by Cardinal Ahmet Osman, a former Turkish soldier who formed an alliance with the Antichrist. When Pope Peter V was elected by the Cardinals, Ahmet lied that he was previously elected and that Peter V was the antipope. Antipope Ahmed went under the name Pope Moses. 2/3 of Christians accepted him as the Pope.
1. Jacob Harrison I-III, Popes Peter II-V... are you allergic to having some variety between names?
2. Is it Ahmet or Ahmad? Turkish uses the Latin alphabet, so you cannot even use "different transcriptions" as an excuse. (The Turkish version would be Ahmet, by the way)
3. What, yet another Turkish villain?

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The new Nero, Michael Ferrari perished at the hands of the antichrist and Jupiter and his relatives allied with him were killed by the old gods allied with Lucifer.

The Antichrist claimed to be the Messiah and Son of God. As foretold in prophecy, he tortured Christians with such an extremity of barbarity, with all the old and newly invented instruments of pain, as to exceed all past persecutors of the Church combined as an attempt to force them to renounce Christ. But the Christians refused to give up their faith.

During the 3 1/2 years of his reign, God sent Henoch and Elias down from heaven to help the Christians and to expose the Antichrist’s deception.

Meanwhile, Jacob Harrison III and Lilith fell in love. Saints Jacob Harrison I and Pomme continued to pray for the repentance of Jacob III and Anne.

The Antichrist eventually had Henoch and Elias put to death. However 3 1/2 days later, they risen from the dead and there was an earthquake that partially destroyed Jerusalem. They ascended into heaven. This converted many.
The Apocalype is mighty dull.

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Tamerin looked into the eyes of the Pope and realized the Pope looked more honest. Jacob III and Anne suddenly thought that this is their chance of repentance that their father and grandparents hoped for.
Deus ex machina redemption. Yay.

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They turned against Lilith. A large inky mass of darkness exploded out from underneath her and she coldly pronounced,

“You traitors will face my power!”

Like in the battle with Pales, Jacob III used Arondight to cause the black mist to rush right back at her. She dropped dead.

The black mass absorbed by Jacob  III, Anne, and Tamerin caused them to collapse. Before they died, Pope Peter V forgave them of their sins. They went to purgatory to do penance. This event caused many to convert.
That was anticlimatic.

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The Antichrist said that he will ascend to heaven to bring down Henoch and Elias. And so he did. And as told in prophecy, he got struck down by the Archangel Michael. Lucifer was defeated soon after.

This caused many to come to their senses. There was a period where humans were given a last chance to do penance. In this period came the 7 bowls of God’s wrath. Finally Christ returned again and judged every human. The righteous entered paradise and the wicked were damned to an eternity in the Lake of Fire and Brimstone.
This is even more dull than the rest of the chapter. Which really is a disservice to the Revelation of John and its epic and evocative imagery.

Offline Bastethotep

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Jacob Harrison's Parallel Zero: A Sporking - Final Thoughts
« Reply #37 on: July 15, 2019, 12:02:58 pm »
To be nice, I will admit that your writing has improved from your first stories.

However, that is a pretty low bar to clear.

Story Telling:

Your storytelling abilities are profoundly lacking. You seem to have no grasp on tension or narrative flow - it is nothing but a lifeless series of events without depth. World-changing events, such as two World Wars and the events of the End Time are rushed over in one threadbare paragraph or two. The exposition is hamfistedly shoehorned into the dialogue.

Characterisation:
Characterisation is extremely weak, especially in the human characters. Any form of character "development" takes the form of a sudden and radical change, at times due to stimuli that seem altogether insufficient for such a response. Furthermore, the characters are very lacking in depth, and indeed do not seem to have barely any personality or motivation of their own, being exchangeable and obviously just doing what the plot demands. Even the motive rants of Hercules and Lillith feel tacked-on to serve as strawmen, whereas their actual motivation seems to be "being Evil". There is very little nuance, and what little nuance there is appears to be entirely unintentional, caused by your own rather skewed perception of right and wrong.

I also note that there are... issues in your treatment of women in your story.
Pomme neither says nor does anything outside of her function as your wife or Jacob Jr's mother. Indeed, the only thing of any significance she does is giving birth to Jacob Harrison Jr., who is in himself a fairly minor and indirectly significant character, although even he still manages to have more impact despite less screen time. In the last few mentions, she does not even appear to be an individual anymore, but a dual entity consisting of her and her husband.
Anne is an even more superfluous character. She takes no action of her own, and her very few lines could just as well be given to Jacob. She is presented as a nun and faith healer, but these are informed attributes - at no point does she demonstrate any special connection to God or heal anyone.
Worst of all is Jacob Jr.'s wife/Anne and Jacob III's mother, who does not even get a name, let alone an actual appearence.

Your author avatar is a blatant Mary Sue. If your intention with killing yourself off early was an attempt to hide this self-aggrandisement, it backfired, as you had yourself declared a Saint and greatly influenced event even in and indeed beyond dead. The fact that both the heir to the throne and the protagonist are your off-spring bearing your name does not help against this perception, either.

Style:
Your style is extremely bland and boring. Beige prose is rampant, and everyone speaks in the same unrealistic voice.

Plagiarism:
Every good thing that could be considered positive is not your own, but the chapters you have copied nearly in their entirity with nary a change safe for replacing the protagonist's name and decapitalising "Old Gods" (on that, see my commentary in chapter 5) from Niam. And the few times you actually changed a few things, your beige prose and corny dialogue becomes all the more apparent in contrast to Niam's writing.

Conclusion:
I think the revelation that the Pope was Jacob's executioner could be interesting if handled by a more capable writer. In particular, this could be a good opportunity to flesh out Anne. Maybe, have her, as a nun, stay more loyal and defensive, if not necessarily towards Aksakallı - although she might argue that he is a changed man now -, then towards God and the Church, in conflict to a Jacob III instantly consumed with rage and desire for vengeance. But by all means, this does not mean she could not ultimately be turned around as well; indeed, for her who had sworn her life to the Church, this crisis of faith would be even more profound than for Jacob.

But, to be brutally honest: You are entirely untalented in every aspect of writing and probably should just give up for good.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2019, 09:42:55 am by Bastethotep »

Offline Bastethotep

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #38 on: July 15, 2019, 12:28:03 pm »
Oh, look what I've found!


Quote from: Jacob Harrison Today at 8:38 AM
Since you broke your promise, I had to sockpuppet and post the story. I am really angry that you didn’t keep your promise! How can I trust you?

I told you that if you post my story, you will get to choose our honeymoon. Well since you broke your promise, I will now be the one who will choose!

(archived)

Offline Sigmaleph

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #39 on: July 15, 2019, 06:42:32 pm »
Why do you hate fun Sigma?

Oh, the usual reasons, soul shrivelled to a husk because it's held apart from the divine light and now I despise joy.
Σא

Offline niam2023

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #40 on: July 15, 2019, 11:05:57 pm »
Oh go oink yourself, Jacob. We all knew immediately it was you based on how your latest sockpuppet introduced itself. The "Hi I'm X, Y of Jacob Harrison".
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Offline davedan

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Re: Jacob Harrison’s version of Parallel Hero
« Reply #41 on: July 16, 2019, 02:39:35 am »
Why do you hate fun Sigma?

Oh, the usual reasons, soul shrivelled to a husk because it's held apart from the divine light and now I despise joy.

Fuck! That's so metal.