I suppose you are right on this one.
On the note of college sports it irks me that regardless what I do, I feel like an outsider - that no matter how I act, it always seems I am looked at as a dorky, nerdy kid.
I have tried everything, including cutting all ties to my old nerdy friends.
All I want is the same respect college jocks get.
Let me tell you: that "respect" is fleeting.
It's really true. All of the stuff you get in school ends up rapidly disappearing after you leave unless you've got what it takes to keep it going. High school football and basketball players often fail to make it to the college level, and college players often fail to make it any higher. The only ones who survive afterward are the ones who have other marketable skills or a good personality.
Honestly niam, after all of your posts on it, it seems like you have a sort of stereotypical view of how respect and school hierarchies work.
To be honest, I cannot see myself as good or attractive unless everything lines up the way I need it to for my internal image.
Yes, I seem to possess a rather stereotypical ideal of what it means to go into college - I just want that lifestyle, because I was never given any respect growing up. Nobody ever, ever, chatted about me, or thought about me seriously as a prospect, pictured me as anything but a nerd, someone obsessed in introspective things, and who is socially awkward. I don't want to live that way any more. I hate my past self. I'd say I'd bully my past self, but I suppose that's redundant - kind of feels like I already do that plenty now.
In high school and now in college, people romantically choose people who were actually athletic, not just a shallow parody the way I am. I tell myself I look good if only to try to bring up the gall to act cockily, to try to convince myself I have chosen my new social caste. That I've left high school in the dust.
They get all the girls, they get an easy cruise through college, and while I know I'll have to work, I want to get the outside impression of such a happy, good life. I want to have friends who I can chat with about small stuff, not about philosophical debates or what inferences to take from an action. I want to give the appearance of being admired for what I am and how I look first, because I know I'm a horrible wretch personality wise, and that I won't get anywhere based on personality, and that I'm not good at anything, and I won't ever be.
I know it'll all fade away after college, but if I don't go forward with it, I won't have anything ever period. And having a momentary flash of glory is better than being a disgusting fat sack of shit my entire life.
tl;dr: I want to deny the entirety of my life before the application to college, because I hate my entire social history.