Wishes Will Be Corrupted

[Art Vandelay]

Granted. Turns out a human sized heart is only good for a human sized body, not a human sized body with two giant fuckoff wings attached. Enjoy your heart attack.

I wish for some dog food.

[Ghoti]

Granted. You have to eat it.

I wish I had complete control over how fast/slow I physically age.

[I am lizard]

Granted, you can now remain the same age while you die of cancer.

I wish I could go back in time and add a wish to that comment.

[Ghoti]

You completely misunderstood my wish, and then forgot to add your own. Turn in your internet card.

I wish I could eliminate stupid questions from existence.

[Eiki-mun]

Granted. As all questions are considered stupid to someone, no one is allowed to make anything but statements anymore.

I wish I had a credit card that I never had to pay off, and that had no limit.

[Ghoti]

Granted. You go to prison for credit card fraud.

I wish my back didn't hurt.

[Svata]

Granted. It doesn't hurt because you've been brutally stabbed to death.


I wish I had a delicious, non-poisoned cookie that I wasn't allergic to, and tha no one would kill me for.

[I am lizard]

Granted, someone kills you for other reasons.

i wish 4 beefs jery.

[R. U. Sirius]

Granted. You have 4 major beefs with a man named Jery. Unfortunately, he's much bigger and stronger than you, as well as being richer and more powerful, so there's really not a lot you can do about them.

I wish to be better at swordfighting.

[Ghoti]

Granted. You improve a little, get cocky and are quickly cut to ribbons by someone who actually knows what they're doing.

I wish I was an elite master assassin, unknown by anyone but feared by all.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted, unfortunately, "anyone" also happens to include potential clients. Enjoy working minimum wage for the rest of your life, despite your sick moves.

I wish the internet was more reliable.

[I am lizard]

Granted, now the Youtube comment section, /B/, anti-truscum blogs, and Redpill all load perfectly.
All other sites just lead you directly to one of these locations.

I wish the feminazis would stop friendzoning me.

[R. U. Sirius]

Granted. They explicitly state that they all hate you.

I wish I could find a smart, attractive girl who I had a lot in common with and was attracted to me.

[Ghoti]

Granted. She lives on the other side of the world and you're highly unlikely to ever meet face-to-face without a lot of effort and money.

I wish I could fly under my own power with no significant drawbacks.

[Art Vandelay]

Granted, you learn first hand that windchill combined with the much lower temperatures you get at higher altitudes is a bit of an issue when you fly a wee bit too high and lose all of your fingers to frostbite.

I wish I hadn't forgotten to bring a towel.