Trigger warning: Everything
Have you ever just looked at the cieling before going to bed and wondered how such subtle changes to things can make everything so much better? Like, for example, what if cheesecake wasn't a once in a while dessert thing, but like an every day thing. How fuckin' cool would that be? Right?! Like cheesecake all day every day, for everyone. All your favorite flavors two, chocolate cheesecake, berry cheesecake, regular cheesecake, strawberry swirl, turtle, key lime, you name it! Like think of all the wars that could have been avoided if those pissed off douchebags had just had a little cheesecake-y goodness before going off and killing a bunch of people. I think well over 90% of wars stem from either the desire to have more cheesecake or from other people having more. You can't disprove that.
Like cheesecake is so awesome, it had to have come from some place divine. Like maybe Buddha came up with the concept after attaining enlightenment or Zues gave it to some skank back in the day to get her in bed. I bet that got Hera all pissed off. Speaking of which, that looks like Heracross, who is a cool pokemon, but giant beetles give me the chills. You know, I bet the cheesecake came from Jesus. That makes sense. Like instead of giving out pieces of vanilla wafers or whatever the fuck he did, he really just cut some slices of cheesecake for his homies. That sounds more chill and less rapey than telling his underlings to "eat me for this is my body." I bet one of the gifts to Jesus too was cheesecake, that sounds like such a sweet gift to a baby during Christmas. Much better than Frankincense. I guess the it could get you high, but baby Jesus was like uber straight-edge. A real debbie-downer. Black "X's" on his hands and everything. Taught Nancy Reagan how to "just say no." Speaking about gifts, Jesus really had it hard, having to give other people gifts on his birthday. Just remember that next time you didn't get that IPhone4 or 5 (or whatever number they're on nowadays) for either.
Technology today sucks too. I remember when we actually had to look shit up in books and we'd come across cool little tidbits while studying. Now all we do is just google & control F (and if you don't, don't start, that's how satan gets your IP address). Books were so righteous. You could have book cases upon book cases of books that you never read and everyone would think you're a fucking genious. Which apparently I'm not cause I spell things wrong. What-ev! No body has the shit anymore, it's just all on the internet, and I know that some of you don't want people checking out what kind of sites you visit. I saw a person or two on the Atlasphere trying to score some of that randroid poon. Yeah, y'all know who you are. Don't worry though, I won't tell anyone. For a fee.
Sometimes I wish I were a genius, that would make things so much easier. Like if I were a real genius I'm sure I could figure out the meaning of life and shit. Like do difficult math and look really smart in front of people who couldn't figure out I was just saying stupid things and rambling on, but they'd think I were smart. Like what if the meaning of life is like just that one thing that you have to wait a certain amount of time to get. Like when you're 10 you realize playing with toys is childish. Then when you're 15 you realize playing at the park is childish. Then when you're 20 you realize those dumbasses you dated were childish. Then at 25 those parties are childish. Like what if you just make it to 125 or 150 and then *bam* everything's figured out? How depressing would that be to have such a realization after you already go. I'm sure the divine has some sort of sick humor, it only makes sense.
Then I think that may be horse-shit too. Like Koume and Kotake lived to be 380, or 400 years old, and they never figured out the meaning of life. They knew all this magic shit, could brainwash the harem girls, and could make lava and ice just pop out of no where, but they were fighting a 17 year old kid to the death. Man, how badass are those two old ladies, moving around like that keeping up with a young whipper-snapper like Link. I wonder what that fight would look like in a movie, maybe link kicking an old lady in the head. That would be sad, but for some reason I'm laughing. Back to the age thing, maybe it's just a bit past 400 though. Yoda seemed to know his shit. He was like Descartes or Socrates smart. He wouldn't have drank the hemlock. I bet Yoda ate a lot of cheese cake, though. What else would you do when you're 900 years old and your apprentices are getting killed by rising dictators? Sadly, I don't think they had cheesecake in hyrule, or maybe they did and it was like the 4th, middle, piece of the triforce. That's probably the piece Ganondorf was after. You can't disprove this either.
It always made me wonder some things about the game. Like why did Link always have to go to where ever there was danger? Why couldn't he just chill as an adult at lake Hylia fishing all day and getting rupees from cutting the grass outside? That would be the mutha-cunuckin life right there. He could even fuck with the fishing guru and steal his hat every now and then. I wonder if that guy is related to the fishing brothers in pokemon games. That would explain a lot. But no, Link had to go to murky dungeons with disformed fauna & flora, go to burning temples, freezing caves, a well full of zombies, I mean, who thinks that is a good way for a 17 year old to spend his life? I blame his parents personally. Ganondorf also wasn't entirely there. I mean, if I was Ganondorf, I would hide the hookshot & long shot in the Spirit temple instead of the water temple and with Dampierre. Bam. Link can't cross the desert and get the Spirit Medallion and kick your ass at the end of the game. Instead of that rather intelligent plan, Ganondorf just leaves all the weapons his bosses are weak against in the dungeons right next to those bosses. It would be like if we were playing rock-paper-scissors and you told me what to throw against you to win. No wonder Ganondorf got neither the Triforce of Wisdom nor cheesecake. I notice the same thing too in Dragonball Z. Isn't it just too coincidently that everyone Goku fights goes up in power level chronologically?
I used to love that game. I could play it all day long back in my early teens. I recall when we were being babysat and I lied to the babysitter so that I could stay up two hours past my bed time and play some Ocarina of Time and kill some monsters and shit. I would also abuse the cuckoos, but they always would kick my ass back, man why does Nintendo put that quirk in their games knowing it will cause gamers to kill themselves? Anyways, so I pull the fast one on the babysitter and somehow my parents found out I stayed up. I know the babysitter wouldn't tell them, she wasn't that smart. Contrary to public opinion I know my parents set up hidden cameras in my house and sat in some command-center-rapist-van watching my every movement. It sounds like something parents of a 10 year old child would do. They also withheld cheesecake from me several nights. Said "You can't eat cheesecake every night, it's a once in a while thing." I know rite, a bunch of nazis they were. Except not even Nazis could be so cruel. To their own children no less. That really should be like child neglect or something. I'm not a lawyer, but if some selfless representative exists, they should make it a law. No child should ever have to suffer like that again.
Ron Paul would definitely change that horrible status quo. He seems like the senile old guy I can project my fantasies on to. Or RuPaul. But he'd probably go with a different type of cheesecake. Sometimes I wonder would it would be like if Rupaul ran for president. It would probably be like all "free mascara and eyeliner for all." Speaking of which, that shit should be subsidized, it can get expensive. I don't know how he does it. He looks better than like any girl ever and he's a 50 year old man. What's up with that, I don't know, I'm scared. It's times like these I wish I had a doctor, or a lawyer, or a cheese sandwich. But no, I don't have those coping mechanisms to help out my fragile psyche. I don't even have cheesecake at the moment. I do however have Queen of the Stone Age. Man they're a fuckin righteous band. Songs for the Deaf was such an awesome CD, like awesome awesome. None of that fake awesome, 100% clear crank awesome, no clouds in those crystals. Just as Mr. White. Songs for the Deaf always manages to cheer me up. Lullabies to Paralyze was good too, but it's hard for any artist to follow up greatness with greatness.
Anyways, I may not be the smartest girl around, but I have discovered a few things in life, like narwhals are out to get us. Yeah, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, heck if they're telling you otherwise they're probably a narwhal in disguise. Look for a long horn on their head, that usually gives them away. But it's all like, naw, the narwhals are behind so many things; the Iraq War, Glenn Beck, Chupacabra sightings. They just fuck with people by holding their cheesecake hostage. It's sick. I've recently discovered that the narwhals have teamed with the North Koreans to crash KFC stock, buy it dirt cheap, and sell it to Warren Buffet at a profit. You can't disprove this either. Tits are awesome. Live and let live. Rupaul 2016. Thank you all and have a good night. God bless you and God bless the United States of America.